Dear dimwit on the phone

I weep for society

 

It's a week for dimwits here. E-mail from coach on Div. V sectional tennis match, with names changed to protect the innocent.

• Hi HanSen,
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• Podunk won this afternoon under 100 degree court temperatures, 8-1. Podunk took 5 of the 6 singles and swept the doubles on their way to a semi finals match up with the winner of Springfield and Shelbyville. The photos that (this paper's shooter) took were of Joe Schmoe. He won his match 6-2, 6-4.
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• Because the other teams were using the (paper) for our individual scores and doubles combos, I’m withholding our lineup…sorry.

Fine, coach. Go ahead and screw your kids, and screw you. Just called the shooter to say why we may not be using his photos in Friday's dead tree edition, and after I simmer down, may follow through.

I throw myself to the collective wisdom and collective wiseguys of sj.com ...

 

Because other teams were keeping tabs on Podunk's results in the paper, Podunk's coach didn't want to give you the results? Am I reading that right?

 

Jesus. That guy sounds like a nightmare. A call to the AD is in order.

 

Yep. Doesn't want to reveal who's where on the ladder.

 

He's been cool all season, but now this, uh, Shinola.

 

I get that from high school coaches entirely too often during swim season. As if all the club kids don't know each other's times, and most of them aren't already in the public domain.

 

And, just checking teh Twitterez for results: Of the four teams in the semifinals, three, including Podunk, are in the same league.

I think we're shooting baseball the day of the semis.

 

And let's not forget that coaches talk to each other. So going into a meet, if a coach is surprised by a swimmer, that's on them. Keeping it out of the paper really only hurts the kids (insert token scholarship comment here) by denying them recognition among friends and family and keepsakes for when they get older.

 

Not to mention that in swimming it doesn't matter what time the other guy does. It's all about what you do. If you swim a 30-second 50-yard freestyle, you could strap an outboard engine on your ass and you're not beating the guy who swims it in 25 seconds.

And the tennis lineup thing is weird. I know there's some strategy involved in shuffling things up for better match ups, but that information is available with a phone call to the coach they just played. It's not hard to come by. Like Spartan Squad said, coaches LOVE to call each other for information. Before the playoffs start it's a given that Coach A, who knows Coach B, who is in Coach C's division, is going to call for a scouting report. I've seen baseball coaches give each other folders full of spray charts and detailed scouting reports on common opponents.
Hell, in football sending someone a bad game tape is as insulting as calling their mother a whore.

 

We have coaches that don't want stat leaders in the paper for their team. Because no one knows who the best players are on the roster before they show up to play them.

 

I've heard that one too, and there is some validity to it. A lot of coaches will go on MaxPreps to get an idea of who other teams' key players are. Especially for regular season games that you just sort of show up and play, it could give one team or another some sort of small edge. If you're going into a playoff series, though, any coach worth his salt is working the phones to get more detailed information. Talent plus coaching should always win out in the end, too. Good programs don't give a shit because they'll show up and beat the snot out of you no matter what.
A more common complaint I've heard is that the kids see it in the paper and they start obsessing over it, which causes them to go into a slump because they're more focused on stats than just playing well.