Dear dimwit on the phone

Our sports guys are getting a call about every half hour, and I get to hear it from my cubicle.

From hearing only one end, I gather there's a fella who likes the local minor league baseball team, and he wants updates during the game. Someone got him a tablet, but he doesn't understand how the internet works. He wanted to just get the score ticker without the internet. He also believed for a while that the newspaper is an ISP. Then he believed the newspaper was Consumer Reports and could recommend the best ISP. Then he believed they could teach him how to use the internet.

All to follow a short-season Single A baseball team.

 

Hit two out of three of the in-person dimwit trifecta last night.
I have lived in my community a long time and sometimes attend fundraising and other events with my family, which we pay for. I usually know many of the volunteers and other attendees.
Went to one for the animal shelter last night. First, in line for food, the server says "the food is from Podunk BBQ, put that in the paper."
Later, as my wife and I went to greet a former mayor, she says "watch what you say, a reporter is here."
The only one missing was "Did you bring your camera?"

 

Caller tonight is upset that a game not on TV in this area is not in our "Games on TV" listing.
"If it's not on TV, it's almost as if the game didn't happen."

 

I just love calls like that.

 

With the start of high school football just around the corner, this anti-dimwit PSA.

ink-spiller

 

"That oughta do it. Thanks very much, Ray."

 

Dear dimwit at the Olympics.

 

A regular for us called in shortly before 11 p.m. tonight (Thursday).
Always starts off by asking for the sports by his last name only, as in "[Last name] there?"
When told editor has the night off, he asks when we will publish the practice and scrimmage times for the town's public school and private school.
After a moment's pause, I told him we don't publish practice and scrimmage times in a schedule. What I didn't tell him was 1) football practice only began Monday, 2) the earliest an Ohio team can scrimmage is Tuesday, and 3) the few times we publish anything about an upcoming scrimmage is in the briefs section, not in the schedule, because it's a glorified practice.
He then demands (he's never polite) to know why we don't publish the practice and scrimmage times in the schedule.
I told him we never have.
He then says "Oh, yes you have! [Former sports editor] did it all the time."
"Sir," I replied (yes, I said 'sir'), "that was 30 years ago." FYI, the former sports editor he referenced has been dead for about 25 years.
"That's why your paper is down now," he said. "We buy the paper to know when the teams practice and scrimmage."
I then told him if wanted that information, he could call the schools or go to their websites. I then offered to transfer him to the sports editor's voice mail and leave him a message, and he accepted.
He said pretty much the same thing on the voice mail message, addingwe are the worst sports section in America.
We're thinking of getting T-shirts made.

 

I've sometimes wondered if people like that see themselves as unofficial staff.

 

Handwritten message yesterday. No name, of course. "There have been all kinds of baseball tournaments at the stadium this year and we don't see anything about them!" They "thought" about not renewing but did anyway (their perceived lack of sports coverage wasn't their only issue).

OK, only one of those was an actual tournament, the American Legion state tournament, and I covered every game of it. Those other events were "showcases" run by the local junior college. They're not tournaments and there's no winner of the whole thing. It's for teams to play in front of scouts. The local team has played in all of them and I put in the results of all the local's games (noting in those stories that those were showcases, not tournaments).

I would say I cost all those kids scholarships except for the fact that those showcases were meant to give them more opportunities for scholarships.

 

I'm duty officer this week. Sleepless night and early morning.

Hey morons, before you fly, make sure you have a valid passport. And just because you called America and they promised to let you in with an expired one, that does NOT mean you can get *out* of a different country without a valid ID.

And, although I can sympathize with the fact that you *think* your mom had a stroke, why do you think I am able to call every hospital in a city of 15 million people to find her? You said you spoke to her two hours ago and she said she was at home, but you want me to throw darts at hospitals and check to see if maybe she's been checked in? Um ... no.

But, Good Son, since you woke me up from a deep sleep, allow me to ask ... you said you think your mom had a stroke, based on the fact that she had one previously, and you're worried? However, she's been in this country since May, and although you have her phone number, you have zero idea where she lives, who her landlord is, what her schedule is like, if she has any friends here at all ... or basically, anything that might possibly help me help you.

 

I love listening to the sports guys' messages. It's the highlight of my week.

This week's best call:

Old man: "Yeah, I didn't have a score to report but I had a question. In this story about the Big XII it has something called LGBTQ....Well I know the L stands for the lezzies and the G is for the gays, but I was wondering if you could tell me what the other letters stand for."

I don't think his wrinkly old heart could stand the shock. I'm not sure they'll call him back.