Alcoholic Wife. The breaking point.

ex ... my sympathy for what your children and you are going through.

Regarding the future: I can't help but recall the words of poker player/author Al Alvarez. If I recall correctly, Alvarez -- who divorced one of his wives about 12 nanoseconds after the "I do" -- said he regarded his marital situation as if it were a poker hand. That is, he wasn't afraid to fold.

(Not to throw another poker term in here, but ... ) Now, I'm not sure if you're too pot-committed to take that drastic of a route. But I throw that out as something for you to consider.

 

Sigh.

Trying to gather the courage the finally file. Meeting with two attorneys today.

She got drunk/tipsy with the children present 3 of the last 4 nights.

Damn.

 

We're here, ex. Know you'll do what's best for you.

 

All of you have been wonderful in your advice -- or even just listening. I'm sitting here on the anchor desk, trying to block it all out while reading the damn news.

I feel like I've failed in this marriage because it's gotten to this point, even though I know I haven't.

I feel like this is all my fault, even though I know it isn't.

I'll always wonder what more I could have done, even though I was probably in the 97th percentile of trying.

I'm afraid of how the custody/house situation will work out, even though I've meticulously documented her alcohol abuse for the last few months/years, plus two domestic violence incidents from years ago in which she was the physical aggressor.

I'm especially afraid of not being the active father I strive to be around the kids -- which I've made my escape in this by being even more involved in the best moments of their young lives.

 

ex,

I went through a divorce that wasn't alcohol related, but was very much caused by mental health issues that I tried to help but was at a complete loss on what to do.

Best advice I got from a friend was: "move forward and don't look back in your rear view mirror."

I was husband #1.

She is now on husband NUMBER FOUR.

So, yeah, I don't think about it much anymore, and count myself as lucky, but time does heal.

Just keep thinking of you and your kids and the POSITIVE environment that you are trying to create for you and their future.

And maybe even it will eventually help your wife, but that would only be a possible extra plus. That's not a priority because that's up to her and out of your control.

Focus on the future, and you and your kids, and the desire to heal and live in a better environment.

Best wishes - we are here for you.
VB

 

Sorry to hear it, Ex. I was hoping she would be able to get it together. Things will be difficult for awhile, but ultimately, they'll be much better (and sooner than you think).

 

Ex, you do what you can and forgive yourself the rest. Your kids are lucky to have you.

 

Ex, sorry about this.

You've done all you can, or should, do. The rest is up to her.

The kids' well being is up to you.

Best to you.

 

For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing for everyone concerned. I wish nothing but the best to you and the kids and I hope that losing everything will be the bottom your wife needs to hit to admit her problem.

And we're always here if you need us.

 

Scars heal, even emotional ones. All the best to you and your kids (and prayers for sobriety to your estranged wife).

 

Inpatient, 30 days minimum. I would suggest it to her regardless of whether you choose to file. Regardless of whether you ever intend to reconcile the marriage, frankly.

In several months time, even if you're in the divorce process, she may become a completely non-functioning person, bedridden, fatalistic. She is not exactly making bad moral choices here. They seem that way, I spose, as they do in mental illnesses, but the disease doesn't give a shit; it's not moral or amoral, the disease, it just is and it insists on having as much of its way as possible which, in the end, is total control of her mind, body and spirit.

The best way to shunt that train off to a different track is immersion in an inpatient facility. AA - which is often misunderstood - is really just a regimen, a life liturgy, if you will, that helps alcoholics consistently stay dry, but your wife will likely need the inpatient immersion eventually anyway regardless of whether AA or something else is the next step.

 

This.

At some point a person gets too deep into an addiction that you need something more than just going to meetings or some other support network and collectively finding the strength to stop drinking. Often going to a detox facility first is a necessary step just because at some point your body can't handle the shock of getting off the addictive substance. She will likely need medical help in the beginning stages. AA or similar groups are helpful especially for some people and there is something very helpful about having someone you are accountable to as you go through the journey to get sober, but that initial detox is necessary just to get to that step.

My immense sympathies to you Ex as you go through this. I wish I had some special advice to get over the feelings of self doubt and self blame except don't be afraid to allow yourself to heal. Do what you need to do to keep your kids safe. As for being an active father, if you love your kids enough to get a divorce your wife and bid for custody of them and have documented instances to prove they need to be with you, I'm confident you will be the type of father who is there for his children no matter what.