Things that irk you......

My sister-in-law got a puppy for her kids in April. She named it Leia, after Princess Leia. She's never seen any of the Star Wars movies. No joke.

 

You should buy her another puppy and tell her it's named Poser.

 

I put a vacation stop on my newspaper because we're going away for the weekend and there was no option to credit my account. I can have them all delivered when I return or donate them to Newspaper in Education -- which we know is a scam to bump circulation numbers.

 

Buster Poser?

 

Who will just stand there and watch when an intruder attacks you

 

People who want to guess what a gift is or ask you to do the same. My gf likes to do this and it was fine for a while -- bc it was kind of uncanny how often she'd nail the present exactly. Like tickets to a particular concert, she had sixth sense bc we share similar tastes in music. But man, unless you get it right, someone is left feeling pissed or uncomfortable, fucking up what was supposed to be a win-win: someone gets something, someone gives something. That's my feeling. So when she bought me something and asked me to guess, I realized, fuck that. No good can come of it except some useless, petty self satisfaction, while the alternatives -- under or overguessing had distinct pitfalls. Don't guess gifts: a public service announcement

 

Middle-aged white men who wear their pants/shorts around their non-existent asses, just so they can say they still wear a 36.

 

Back when I was a kid my dad and I were shopping for my mom for Christmas and found a lamp that looked like a 3 foot high goose. It was ridiculous. My dad bought it and hid it in the garage. On Christmas Eve he wrapped it in a big box and put it under the tree.

Christmas morning, my mom sees the box and says "That better not be one of those goddamn goose lamps."

It's probably been 40 years, and my dad hasn't bought her a Christmas present since.

 

They still married?

 

Yep. For like 53 years.

 

How did Mom know, to guess goose lamp?

 

No idea. Craziest damn thing. And it was just a big box -- it's not like anything about it gave it away.