First date, post-divorce.

I still cackle each time I read it.

"Now stepping up to the plate is Carlos Beltran. He's 0-for-2 tonight. He walked back in the third inning ... Carlos reminds me of Jose Madrigas. He was a bouncer at the Sands back around 1965, but he also did some pimping on the side. There's ball one to Beltran.
"Jose Madrigas, there was a guy who knew how to keep a woman in line. I once saw a hooker mouthing off to him. Jose slapped her so hard it stopped her dead in her tracks. Time froze while we all just took in the scene (pause) Kershaw delivers wide, ball two. Cardinals lead 3-2, we're in the eighth inning.

"So Angie, I think her name was, immediately stops mouthing off. Jose knew he had to set an example, so he smacked her again. Harder this time. Beltran takes a deep cut and fouls one straight back. 2-1 is the count. Don't forget about Free Dodger Cap night Saturday at the ballpark. Free Dodger baseball caps to all fans 14 and under. It's a great time for the whole family.
"Anyway, getting back to Jose Madrigas. He had actually spent some time in the Reds organization in the late 1950s before he hurt his knee. Back in those days, medicine wasn't what it is today. Jose was a strapping right fielder, but he just couldn't run very well after that. So he quit baseball, moved out west and settled into his job at the Sands. He once hit 23 homers in a season for Louisville. He kept that sweet uppercut swing the rest of his life ... as Beltran looks at a curve for strike two ...

"So when Angie mouthed off and Jose hit her, there was no going back. He always kept a baseball bat under the bar. He pulled it out and took one of those sweet uppercut swings under Angie's chin. Knocked five of her teeth out right away. Then he started whaling on her ... as Beltran whales on one DEEP down the right field line, but it ... will hook ... foul. Just foul, a few feet to the right of the pole in the corner. The count remains 2 balls and 2 strikes as Kershaw breathes a deep sigh of relief.
"(long pause) ... So I saw Jose Madrigas bash this poor girl's head in, and he just looked at me like I was next. I tried to inch toward the door, but Jose cut me off and told me I was part of this. Kershaw steps off the rubber. 2-2 the count, Cardinals lead 3-2 in the top of the eighth. Carlos Beltran is your batter, with Matt Holliday on deck. Brandon League warming up in the bullpen for the Dodgers.

"So me and Jose (Vin chuckles), we got a tarp from one of the storage rooms. We put it in the trunk of his car and drove about FIFTY miles out into the hot desert night. Must've driven an hour. Heard some great Sinatra tunes along the way. I was SCARED to death, but Jose seemed quite calm. Beltran fouls another one off to stay alive.
"We get all the way out past Henderson, Nevada, find a nice quiet spot in the desert to bury Angie. We open the trunk, and only then do we realize neither one of us had packed a shovel. Jose thought I did it. I thought Jose did it. And there's poor Angie, dead as a doornail on a tarp in the desert, half her face gone. It kind of looks like a ghastly smile, with her teeth missing ... Kershaw JUUUSSSTTT misses with a slider to run the count full. 3-2 now, two outs, top of the eighth. Cardinals leading 3-2. Carlos Beltran your batter. He's hitting .375 in his last six games. Definitely someone you want up in this situation.
"(long pause) ... Beltran fouls yet another one off. Tough slider there. Still a 3-and-2 count ... Angie was smiling this dead smile, and me and Jose had no shovel! So we both started laughing in the desert moonlight, and somewhere ... somewhere I think Angie was laughing with us. We ended up burying her with a beer glass and a cup from a diner we had stopped at along the way.

"Beltran swings and skies one to center. Victorino settles under it, squeezes it, and the Dodgers are out of the inning. No runs, a hit, no errors for the Cardinals in the eighth. Matt Kemp will lead it off for the Dodgers in the bottom half ... when we return."

 

SJ.com readership goes well beyond North America.

Proof:
Man with fingernails longer than a bus finally cuts them off after 66 years, sells them to museum

 

Not the airport but still. Distinguished fella ... total slob in cargo shorts! And his collared shirt is tucked in!

 

Fucking sandals. Grow up.

 

I'm shocked that the old bastard doesn't have socks on with them.

 

Whatever. I look damn good in cargo shorts. I don't care what any of you - or my fiancee - say.

 

If I ever catch a retail clerk taking a secret photo of me, I'll throw the nearest expensive item at his head.

 

Sure you will, slugger.