Most questionable reason you ever broke up with you someone

As god is my witness, I didn’t think owls could fly.

 

Not only do they fly, they're fucking bosses

 

That was a WKRP reference.

 

I gotta bone up on my TV Land

 

They deliver mail to Hogwarts

 

She couldn’t read a D.C. map. We didn’t break up then, but it was never the same after I called her stupid for not being able to read it.

At Van Gogh’s Van Goghs show at the national gallery, we barely spoke and viewed it on our own.

I’m not sure I ever apologized, and 20 years later I still feel ashamed about that.

 

Le Streak, C’est Chic

 

Probably would have flunked the Baltimore Colts history test, too.

 

I think I said this almost verbatim when he recounted the story. Like, has she not read or seen Harry Potter? She even called him stupid for thinking owls could fly.

The best part was, they were driving back from Newfoundland and had, like, 12 hours to go until home. Something swoops down at the car and that's how it all started. ("I think that was an owl!" "Owls don't fly, stupid.") He broke up with her on the spot and still had to sit beside her in a car for an entire day. Maybe the most uncomfortable 12 hours in human history.

 

1. Treated waitstaff, docents, ushers, etc. horribly and kept apologizing to me about it.
2. Tried to convince me there was a ghost in Centennial Park. I don't believe in ghosts. When I didn't scare one way, he tried another by pulling a wrench from under his seat and waving it at me. I bailed out of the (slow) moving car and hoofed it to Rotiers, where they called me a cab and threated to beat him up if he didn't go away.
3. He was so bad at sex and yet so enthusiastic, I thought I was the problem and briefly wondered if I was a lesbian.



If a man can't identify the following, we're not going to have a lot to talk about:

• Ignatz and Krazy Kat
• At least four Marx Brothers
  
• A Ramone, I don't care which one, but at least one, and the knowledge that they were a real band helps
• Gordie Howe
• Bobby Orr
• Braden Holtby
• Alexander Ovechkin
  
• Harvey the Hound and his tongue's nemesis
• S. J. Perelman
  
• Django Reinhardt

Bonus points:

• Counsel for both sides of John Scopes' trial and the identities of the sorry motherjumpers who thought it would be a good idea.
• Victor Turner
• Bass-o-matic

 

I know about half of your list, can make a guess on a few others, but that’s it. I reckon I’ll stay with my wife.

 

The first three things happened. They were grounds for finding myself very busy in the near future after at minimum of a month of trying. I have a horrendous track record for trying to make things work long after I should have moved on.

The other stuff? Tongue in cheek. Mostly. Sort of. I think. And the feeling is mutual. (Mama always said, "If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you." Home training, y'all. It never goes away.) Seriously, give your sweet wife a hug and do something very nice for her tomorrow. As Old Opry as it may sound, I spent enough time in press boxes and at event level to see media spouses often have and employ patience in Biblical measures.

Another unreasonable breakup summed up in one sentence:

"I'm not going to spend tonight on a chigger-ridden hill watching for Hailey's (sic) Comet! I don't care who the teacher is!"

My commentary:

1.) It was Halley's Comet! How can someone willingly miss out on that? And this person claimed to be a Mark Twain freak. Twit.
ii.) The teacher was one of the guys with pocket protectors, skinny black ties, and white shirts in the command center in Houston. We'd watch old news footage about early space travel and he would point himself out if we asked him. Starstruck? I'll own it. He was also a fantastic teacher.