Worst Movie You Ever Paid to See

Yeah, do that, wouldja? But make it a broadcast, from Harry Doyle this time, trashing "Rubber" while also calling a midseason game featuring the Indians of the first "Major League" movie.

Ready? GO!

 

Vampire In Brooklyn. I kept waiting for Eddie Murphy to be funny.

 

Treasure of the Four Crowns. Whoever mentioned Red Dawn nailed it, just shit.

 

Double Jeopardy with Ashley Judd. She’s just a terrible actress, the plot — as it were — was stupid and there was no one in the movie I gave a shit about.

She should stick to UK hockey posters.

And I don’t think that’s how double jeopardy works, anyway.

 

Excalibur. The scenery is gorgeous but the rest of the movie is a mishmash of bloody fight scenes and overwrought acting with terrible dialogue. Monty Python's Holy Grail made more sense. Even without Sir Knight Not Appearing in This Film.

Dune. If I had read the book, maybe I could have figured out what the hell was going on. Again, neat cinematography and special effects. But I shouldn't have to work that hard to follow the plot.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Even as a kid, it was obviously a blatant Mary Poppins knockoff but with no empathetic characters, two incredibly sappy songs that filled the time between a massively boring plot. Even Dick Van Dyke seemed to be embarrassed to be in it.

 

Top 5 I paid for:

Independence Day 2

Big Mama's House

Pluto Nash

Haunted Mansion

Andre

 

And F everyone ragging on Space Balls. I think the only parody movie that was better was Galaxy Quest.

 

I liked Spaceballs, but it also feels like the start of a movie genre that wasn't so great to me - namely, the spoof movie that relies on you having seen X other movies. It led to a lot of shitty spoof movies in the future, because it's way easier to ape something like Star Wars, Twilight and Scream, then to do Naked Gun. Circling back to the topic of this thread - Scary Movie 5 is probably the legitimately worst film I paid to see in a theater. Runner-up is probably Attack of the Clones.

 

Movies are definitely one of my things. In recent years, more like the last decade or so, time has become so hard for them that going to the theater is very picky. I love going to movies, too, but can't waste time on a bad one at this point. And now who knows if we'll ever go again.

Anyway, my wife and I used to have a movie a week tradition before kids. That was a long, long time ago, but it was really enjoyable. But of course by doing that you are going to see some clunkers. Liking movies like I do though I actually often find good in many, and fortunately haven't had many I just thought man, that sucked. The one that sticks out was Forces of Nature, Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock at the height of their beauty. I think that might be the only reason that one got made.

On a funny side note my wife could not wait to see Titanic. Could. Not. Wait. I don't think there was a movie she has ever before or since looked so much forward to. And she hated it so much and to this day it brings her anger, I think made worse by how popular it was/is (and one of my kids likes it a lot, interestingly enough). I don't think I've ever had that reaction to a movie!

 

I want the $12 or whatever it was I paid to see Phantom Menace returned to me.

They can keep the money I paid for the Coke Zero. At least it was satisfying.

 

Phantom Menace came out in 99
Coke Zero debuted in 05

 

Then it was regular Coke, because Diet Coke tastes like a failed chemistry experiment.

Shoulda put bourbon in it.