Buried my first wife (ex-wife) yesterday.

As I sit with my wife of 31 years in home hospice I can understand some of what you are going through. I am truly sorry. The burden, the dread and the awful empty feeling in the gut is just overwhelming at times. Bless you for being a truly wonderful person tested by horrible things and remaining wonderful. Love to you and your family.

 

Hi Abbott. I’m thinking of you in your situation and may this final stanza provide some clarity and warm reflection. Thank you for writing amid this chapter in your life.

I’ve been around wonderful people. I’m definitely not one of those. I have more flaws than most and I look out for myself first more than I probably should. The only thing I probably did do right was try and guard the children and any decent parent would have done that.

 

Ex - Man, I'm so sorry. I lost my wife in 2008, so I can relate. We were still married, but our marriage was on the rocks. We talked about divorcing when our kids were grown - they were 16 and 13 at the time.

Everybody grieves differently, so your journey - and the journeys of your children - will be different. You're very fortunate that it sounds like your kids are good people, which will help in their recovery. That said, if they need to talk or they act out, please be there for them. My daughter, 13 at the time, had a very, very hard time and was very difficult as a teen, but she had a breakthrough at 16 and we get along great now.

As a journalist at the time, I used my compartmentalizing skills things to cope. I was the one who had to keep it together for the sake of my kids and the rest of the family. Taking my dog for walks at night really helped me process my feelings.

Even though we probably wouldn't be married at this point, I wish she was still here, especially since she'd be an awesome grandma. My granddaughter is 3 and is a bundle of energy who loves it when Papa and her uncle come over to play with her. My wife taught in preschool and elementary school - kids were really her thing.

My best piece of advice is to keep putting one foot ahead of the other, for the sake of you, your kids and the rest of your family. Keep moving forward. Things will get better - honest. It'll just take some time.

 

I think that it’s quite honorable that you are doing what you can to mitigate damage you did not cause.

I view that as an extreme act of love. It’s difficult to love someone while also being fully aware that you cannot live with them and must do your best to keep their bad behavior from wrecking other lives. Remember that when you’re tempted to get down on yourself for what you might have done or what might have been. You’ve done more good in this than most other folks would have.

It’s wonderful that your kids have you to fight for them. I hope less fighting needs to be done with passing time.

 

You've done an incredible job being a husband and father. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and my condolences to you and your family.

 

You'd be surprised (or maybe not) how many people would not make that a priority. Being a good parent is something not everyone can do.

 

My condolences. It sound as if you did as much as you possibly could with an awful situation.

 

It sounds like this way more than “Mommy Wine Time,” but that is likely how it begins - seemingly innocently. It is truly a fine line.

 

I think that your ex wife story, over the years, is the most fascinating one I've read on sj.com (i'm not into the la z boy stuff).
It was like watching a real life trainwreck in slow motion, played out over a decade. The destructive force of alcohol is incredible.

I hope your kids adjust well. Even as young adults, they may benefit from counseling. Even after they move away to college, keep your eye out for them.

 

I will second this post. You can't force your children to see a therapist, but this will create issues that they will carry with them. My dad was an alcoholic who died when I was young. I waited too long to see a therapist.

 

Roger that. And yet most think they're good at it. It's the hardest damned job that ever was.

exmedia, I recall you posting that the Royals World Series run gave you a 'peace at the center', as the Quakers call it. I hope you gain it wherever you look.