Muh Muh Muh My Corona (virus)

My father's standard answer for all of my 63 years when asked about how he feels: "With my fingers."

Even in the damn recovery room after quad bypass. The doctor comes out to tell my mother THAT. So we knew he was OK.

 

Let's see. Orthopedic surgeries: Torn meniscus, left knee. Surgery to implant pin in left wrist. Surgery to remove said pin nine months later. Gastrointestinal: Removal of stone from bile duct (wow, did that hurt pre-surgery), followed by gall bladder removal six weeks later. Eye surgeries: Cataract surgery, each eye. Detached retina surgery, left eye. Removal of some irregularity I didn't quite understand but the surgeon sure felt was important, right eye. This is all from 2014-2019. As shitty as 2020 was, I didn't have to have surgery. I won't jinx this year at this point.

 

The hometown hospital that seemingly all my docs are tied into still has Baptist in the name despite having been bought out a few years ago by a for-profit group. So it was a little humorous to me to see their updated forms asking about things like my gender identity and assigned gender at birth. But ultimately I get that they are trying to meet people on their terms so I went along with it.

But then they wanted to know my sexual orientation, and that seemed a little bit familiar to share with my rheumatologist. So somewhere in my records my orientation is listed as “clockwise.”

 

Medical forms are an adventure. You wouldn't believe some of what gets turned in.

We used to do employment physicals. Basically a quick once over, ask a few questions, be sure the body is above room temperature, urinalysis, and drug screen. The physical form asks about their alcohol use and frequency, and if they use illegal drugs and if so what. Sure as hell, we get some that say they use marijuana 4 or 5 days a week, occasional Xanax. I'm sure you're surprised that those applicants didn't pass their exam.

We did DOT drug screens, too. At one point we had to go in and do a little half day course to recertify. So while we're there, the instructor pulls out a drug screen pouch they had been sent to analyze. There's the two sealed containers of urine, some weed in a baggie, and a small pipe. Some collector was doing a screen and it was sticking out of the person being tested's pocket, so they confiscated it and put in with the screening sample. Young Archimedes didn't get hired either.

 

The dental office where my wife worked in Beverly Hills had a lot of celebrity patients. One was Bruce Springsteen. My wife's partner, the other dental assistant, absolutely loved The Boss. They did verbal patient history questionnaires. She had to ask him if he ever had venereal disease.

 

I got my wisdom teeth out when I was in my mid-40s. The surgeon was writing out the prescription for preventative antibiotics and asked, in passing, are you allergic to them? I told him we’d find out. He was confused. I told him I’d never had antibiotics before. I’m not an anti-meds person - just never needed antibiotics before. I’m pretty healthy but when I do get sick, it’s always something weird and I’ve never gotten a z-pack or anything. I’m very lucky. And it turns out I wasn’t allergic to the meds he gave me, so that worked out, although I did get dry socket and that was the most pain I’ve ever felt.

 

And?

 

Lol. Actually post surgery vomiting is what they're looking for. And I discovered within the last year that I throw up after I've been anesthetized. They add something to the mix if that's the case. So, hopefully next time if there is a next time, I won't throw up and piss the bed at the same time. Fun times.

 

I have information out there floating around that declares my race as human.

 

I had my first surgery at 26 for shoulder reconstruction after 6 dislocations. I acted like "no big deal" its like the wisdom teeth out.
Second one two years later (same shoulder, same issue) I was getting wheeled in and I thought "wait, people die under anesthesia". No joke.

Last year, had a benign tumor taken out (just before COVID winter) and anesthesiologist says pre-op "there's an IV here on your left arm, and then we've got one here on your right arm in case we need to balance things out on your blood pressure, and oh by the way, if things get a bit...um urgent you may wake up with an IV out of your neck." Well that's a great thought before you go under.

Woke up and whew!! nothing coming out of my neck and doc says no blood pressure issues.

Yeah, avoid surgery if at all possible.

 

And my Sex is Yes.