RIP Renay

Reading the obituaries that we were not allowed to edit in any way was my first inkling that barbarian rule would soon come to pass.

 

I worked in a city about 800 miles from where I grew up. My parents visited a few times, but that's all. When my dad died, I was at the funeral home in my hometown making arrangements and the funeral director mentioned that my newspaper called, wondering if I wanted to put his obituary in the paper 800 miles away. Oh, they would give my a 20 percent discount because I worked there. No thanks.

When I was a young pup and worked at the weekly newspaper in my hometown, I got to type up wedding announcements usually submitted by the bride's family ... "The bride wore a taffeta scoop-neck gown, blah, blah, blah." I told the editor that if I ever got married, I was going to submit an announcement all about what I wore ("The groom wore a rented tuxedo from Men's Wearhouse") and I expected it to be printed word for word in payback. He and I had a good laugh about it, but by the time I did get married, he was in the great newsroom in the sky and I never even though about it until 3 or 4 months later.

 

A paper I worked told me they would run my dad's obit for free. It was an unexpected act of kindness, maybe the best I received in newspapers.

 

At the last newspaper I paginated at, they laid out obits in a separate program that I imported as a PDF when it was done. More times than not, the dimensions were never a match (page was too long or the obit person didn't account for an ad.) Needless to say, I became an expert at scaling and at cutting-and-pasting.

 

When we began charging, we were told that our rates were cheap compared to other papers around us. The Kansas City Star supposedly charged $500 regardless of length.

We would print a "death notice" (basic info: name, age, where and when died, immediate family) for free. Obituaries were initially $30. After a while, we decided that if anything was longer than 500 words, it would be $60.

Photo included.

I don't know what the rates are now since I've been gone, but I wouldn't be surprised if they've been raised.

 

1. The no-holds-barred street brawl between rival TV news crews in “Anchorman” really could have been between copy editors and funeral home owners. Lots of hatred between those two groups.

2. My former shop let any flowery substitute for “died” go in obits, since they were paid. A memorable one said a woman “joined God’s heavenly choir … even though she was a poor singer.”

3. One time the publisher joined our daily news meeting, complaining about the huge number of election letters to the editor that ran in our paper. “We should charge people to run those, just like we do for obituaries,” he said. “What do you guys think?”
I replied that obituaries should be free, too.
“Where do you find guys like this?” the publisher asked my boss, the managing editor.

 

My dad died in 2001 at 75. He had retired four months earlier from part-time copy desk duty at the midsize daily where he worked for 45+ years. (He had retired from full time duty at age 70, but kept working 2-3 days a week to keep busy and pick up pin money. He finally retired for good when his health entered its final skid.)

We got a 10 percent discount off the flat rate of $200 for the obit. They said the obit would run verbatim except for "obvious errors."

I wrote the obit. No errors. When it ran in the paper, they had deleted a bunch of stuff, including the names of his parents (who had died in the 1970s) and a reference to a stillborn son who died a year before I, the "oldest," was born. PLUS they made several typos in the copy, which had been spotless.
I was fucking pissed.

The paper I was working at the time offered me a free obit, but he didn't know anybody in the area, so I didn't bother.

He had grown up in the metro Detroit area, so we looked into putting the obit into the Free Press, but I think it was something like $500, so we just ran a death notice. (Pretty sure even that cost $75-100.)

 

In the local big-city daily, obituaries are news items and death notices are classified ads. You can buy a death notice as long as you want, but an obituary is an editorial element -- no money involved.

I arranged a death notice in 1995 for my uncle in the big-city daily, where I worked. Two lines, $125.

When my folks passed, I wrote their obits for the local small-town daily, which were edited to my dissatisfaction -- but they were free, so I had no complaint.

 

That was a fantastic obit. I wanna marry into that family, they seem like fun.
I have given explicit instructions to friends to not allow my family to place my obit with any bullshit "walked into the arms of her Lord" or "was called home to eternal service" or anything like that. Please indicate that I had fun, enjoyed good bourbon and letting my college football teams wreck my life.

Also, Vernon, TX (where I will be driving through tomorrow) is quite the scenic locale. If you like flat earth and cows.

 

Ain't nothing but a barbed wire fence between that place and the North Pole. I've experienced it.

At least Santa won't get scratchy.