Youth Sports (i.e. the thing we all loved which parents have now ruined)

I'm pretty sure I posted about it here. We lost a game earlier this year with some calls that went against us.

"Those parents" on our team literally surrounded the refs after the game to berate them. Our head coach had to talk me out of quitting right then and there.

I don't care how bad the calls are (on the deciding extra point, the other team had 12 players on the field against us); Youth football refs - just like the players - are inexperienced and learning the game. So shut the f up, accept the refs as just Random Event Generators, and learn how to execute better in spite of the calls.

 

We've come full circle on this thread: Travel sports are just a bunch of people with f'd up priorities ruining youth athletics.

Saw a coach complaining on a youth football board about Minimum Play Rules. Jesus Christ - if the kid isn't good enough for you to put on the field, why did you take his money? Did you need a practice dummy to help you chase a so-called "national title"?

 

My son played in his first competitive basketball tournament this weekend, and his team won it. He’s 9 and his team is comprised of third- and fourth-graders.

He is the least experienced player on the team and, predictably, the least skilled (I don’t say “the worst,” because it really is a lack of experience, not an inability to play or lack of athleticism). Our team rolled over two of the opponents in our four games, and two teams were a little tougher. In the second game, he only played the last 3 minutes, despite our team pulling ahead to a 20-point lead with about 7 minutes to play. The coach apologized to him (and separately to me later on), explaining that, after a close first half, he didn’t notice that we had gone on a good run to take control of the game. He promised to play my son more in the second game of the day, against an opponent we knew was weak. He followed through and played my son most of the game.

Today was the championship game against our toughest opponent yet. He didn’t play my son at all, and he was the only player who didn’t get into the game (8 players on our roster). My son was pretty upset about it and I was, too. Now, I didn’t expect him to get much playing time, but to not get in at all was surprising.

While he’s not great, when he plays, he does contribute. He gets a few steals, rebounds, blocks the occasional shot. He plays good defense, sets picks, makes good passes and generally makes the right decisions. He doesn’t turn the ball over and he’s not a liability on the floor. His dribbling is basic, but solid. His shooting is OK, but needs work.

There was a point in today’s game with about 2 minutes left in the first half with a 12-6 lead that the coach put in one of the other kids who didn’t play a lot. He played out the final 2 minutes and didn’t get back in. It seemed like a good time to put in my son as well. I knew the other team was good and we weren’t going to blow them out, so when he didn’t go in then, I figured he wasn’t going to play.

I told my son that we can’t control how much playing time he gets, we can only control how hard he works to get better. He took it to heart and I’m sure he’ll be fine.

That said, I’m on the fence about whether to say something to the coach. I think it’s pretty lousy to make one kid sit the entire championship game and make him feel left out. This isn’t high school, or even middle school ball. I personally think it’s still important to help the kids develop a love for the game.

We have a tournament coming up in Cape Cod where I expect stronger competition and, frankly, I don’t want to waste the time and money to go out there if he’s going to sit the bench the entire time.

Not sure if this is just the frustration of a parent who sees his kid upset and I’m overreacting, or if I should say something. I also don’t want to do anything that could negatively affect his playing time moving forward.

 

There is a lot to undress here and I have a lot of thoughts. As I have brought up I have a very competitive 10-year-old. He has played at top levels in several sports so far and as a family and for him, it is honestly a pain in the ass. We have been here for basketball oddly enough and because of it basketball is his most unstable sport in terms of teams.

First of all, you signed up for competitive so you sort of knew what you were going to get. I don't know if you had any kind of sort of agreement that at least everyone would play, but at that level, this obviously had the chance to happen.

That said, on a team of 8 and 9 year olds, even competitively, it shouldn't. There is no way a coach can't get the whole team, especially with only eight on the team, at least a few minutes of PT even in the most competitive of games. Play a few minutes at the end of the half, a minute at the beginning of the second, and then if it's a tight game, OK. I have watched enough basketball at that age that no one is taking over a game for the most part (or ruining it on the other end). It is OK to use pieces. Coaches who don't play to grow all their players and build a team, even a competitive one at that age, aren't good coaches. No one is getting a scholarship or a straight shot to varsity in third grade.

Still, it's that coach's team and he's going to do what he is going to do. I would talk to him about these concerns and tell him that your kid was upset he was the only player who did not see the floor in the championship game (that's kind of a special kind of bull). Then I would tell him exactly what you just said about the trip being worth it if your kid doesn't play. You have a double whammy, it is expensive and your kid is going to get upset. That isn't a good experience and there is no taking it for the team at this point in time, honestly.

Also, do you have options? Is there anything at this point that is refundable? Is another, lesser team looking where he may get a better experience and experience playing the game? There is nothing wrong with rec if he gets to have a fun experience. If he has a miserable experience here even if he likes basketball he may never play again and that would stink. I would honestly tell the coach that. Practices can be better than games and I would assume he is getting reps there, but if he isn't having fun with all of it it doesn't matter.

The problem with competitive sports at this age, and something I have struggled greatly with, is there is this tough counterbalance with giving talented kids a better experience and growth opportunity between people who think it's the damn World Series of Youthball. I've said it probably more than once on threads here, no one cares about the results of that tournament other than the people who are there. Did the kids have fun? Did they learn something? Did they get better? If they did all those things they are going to be pretty good in the end anyway.

My son's first basketball coach would have a phenomenal team right now if he had kept his original group of second graders together. Instead in second grade -- yes, second grade! -- he didn't play kids at the end of tournaments. Didn't ask a few kids back (a few of whom are really freaking good now). That team has splintered about four times. My kid is a fifth grader and played rec this year, about half who were on that team at one point, and they were ridiculously good. They had fun and had a good coach and it was a good experience. And it was rec, so that is that for this year. For another experience, my oldest played rec through fifth grade because of ability and interest. He had a teammate that played varsity as a freshman and another that is a three-sport varsity athlete. The level doesn't always matter.

Do what is best for your kid and family. It's different if they were a few years older and options are different and it's harder to get on teams. Don't make it a situation where every time someone isn't happy you look for something else. That doesn't seem to be the case here, because you have awareness that he isn't the best, just that there are situations he can and should get a chance. Especially for the age.

 

I know I sound like an old man yelling at a cloud, but kids don’t need to be playing competitive tournaments at 9 years old where the coaches sit you for the entire game. I would venture to say I was better than 95+% of kids my age and didn’t play my first hoops game with a referee until 9th grade. I played pickup constantly and learned to have fun and try stupid things and work on my individual and team skills.

I always think back to the story of Pep Guardiola, probably the best soccer manager in the world, who was taking a sabbatical in NY after leading Barcelona to tons of trophies, including the Champions League. He’s at an indoor soccer tournament for his kid and the ref no shows. No one knows who he is and when the coaches ask if someone knows the rules, he agrees to ref. But the parents are furious because he keeps stopping the game to tell the players where they should be standing and what they should be doing. The parents only care about who wins and loses.

 

Thanks for this thoughtful reply. I think you nailed exactly what I was feeling and gave some good advice.

He is getting better coaching and getting a lot more out of playing for this team than he would playing rec. Our rec league is known to be a disaster where they basically roll the ball out and let them play with little to no instruction. It’s recess.

I definitely understand we’re moving into a different part of his sports experience where showing up isn’t enough to get equal playing time. But I do think showing up and practicing hard should count for something, especially when, as I said, the team hasn’t really faltered when he’s in there. As you noted, with only eight kids on the squad, it’s not hard to find 2 minutes to make sure everyone plays.

That said, getting benched for an entire game is also a part of the sports experience, and I’m trying to use that as a teachable moment to encourage hard work and practice. I know he’s athletic enough to turn practice into results. I need him to believe that and, hopefully, his coach sees it and rewards his hard work and improvement.

 

I agree with this on principle. I don’t really think ball sports outside of tennis or golf are “competitive” until maybe Grade 7 or 8, and even then, I view that as preparation for high school ball. The idea that winning “matters” at age 9 is kind of a joke outside of teaching the kids to be competitive.

I coach youth soccer and baseball and I’m competitive as shit in most everything I do, so I’m not a complete Pollyanna when it comes to this stuff, but I really believe the main job of a coach at this age is to make sure the kids enjoy the sport enough to WANT to put in the work to improve. I’m not going to turn any of these kids into major leaguers or FIFA stars and I don’t expect this coach to make my kid an NCAA or NBA star. But if the kids enjoy playing the game enough under me, this coach or anyone else, they may WANT to put in the work it takes to become one.

Or, you know, they could play five kids and “win” a game.

 

If he gets something out of the rest of the experience and enjoys it then you need to figure out the expectations with playing time. Because if he is disappointed by not playing that will hurt his enjoyment in the end. It could motivate him too.

I still think at his age there is no reason to not get PT. You could have a respectful conversation with the coach about your reasonable expectations. Be like, I understand he maybe isn't getting in in crunch time, but there is no reason he can't play a bit in the middle of halves.

On a side note, I've seen it with basketball at that age where teams aren't balanced at all. All shooters and ball handlers. Hopefully if he does all the other things well he'll work his way out there more.


And I have been there for rec as well. It's why we started tournament baseball, which there was a time I swore I'd never do it.

 

One other thing, does the coach have an assistant? I have seen coaches when they do it all on their own totally lose track of things like rotations or who is playing how much and they don't always mean to. If he does have an assistant maybe bring up the possibility of it being tracked in some way.

 

I coached lots of sports for my kids, both of whom played at fairly low levels. Before I started coaching I asked a friend with older kids for advice and he said if you are a coach and the kids aren’t having fun, then you didn’t do a good job. So the first question I always asked at the end of every game, win or lose, is whether you had fun. I lost plenty of games where less talented kids played more than they should have.

 

It's kind of along the same lines, but especially with the more competitive nature my kid has now and the understandable nature to focus on tough situations, I almost always ask right away after what his favorite part was.