Knife? Job? Throw Yourself.

Have you ever (any age, anytime) thrown yourself on the knife for the sake of the job and later regretted it? For me, Sears Portrait Studio. We took no appointments! Sign in, sign up, take your turn. A family called in advance with a 101 year old great, great grandma, and a very newborn baby. They asked for a time slot. It would have been so easy for me to show up a little earlier, or stay a little later. I chose the asshole route.

 

I thought this would be a Pickle Juice thread.

Back in my weekly days a woman came in at 1 p.m. Monday with a submission. The deadline was noon. We went back and forth for 10 minutes. "You don't care about the kids!" she whined. That's when I dug in and was like, get out of here.

 

Christmas Eve in 1980, working the men's furnishings department at J. Byron's Department Store as seasonal temp. I sold $6,000 worth of shirts, socks, underwear and wallets that day and the checkout line was never less than eight people deep, so I was exhausted. Five minutes before closing, woman wanders in and says she needs something for the wife of her boss to give him for Christmas. Doesn't know his size, his favorite color, anything about him, basically. I offer a dozen suggestions but she still can't make up her mind. Piddles around for 15 minutes before my manager finally comes to the front of the store to ask why I haven't shut down the register, hands her the first dress shirt in the display and says, "Merry Christmas."

 

In high school and occasionally on college breaks, I used to lifeguard at a hotel pool, which was part of a rec area that had a whirlpool, sauna,video games, pool tables, and an area that would be used for parties and even a few wedding ceremonies. I was in charge of all of it except for the party area.

We normally closed at 10 p.m., although on weekends during ski season, we’d stay open until midnight (this might have violated some child labor laws, but whatevs).

After struggling in the beginning with closing time because the guests wanted to stay later, I developed a good system of giving a 15-minute warning and a five-minute warning. Most of the time, people were pretty good about leaving, although occasionally, some people would bitch.

But one time, I had everyone out of the pool and locking up when this couple came down with this little boy, maybe five years old (at 10:01 p.m. , mind you).

Told the couple that the pool was closed. Couple tried what we now call the Karen routine. Told them to go ahead. Then the couple asks me to wait, pulls the kid back, whispers something to him, then they bring him up to me and the kid tries the puppy dog eyes. Mom says, “Are you really going to tell this little boy he can’t use the pool?”

I look down at the kid with the sad face, look to the parents, look back and say, “Your parents are watching too many TV shows.”

Walked away. I was such an arrogant ass at 17.

 

Why the hell would that kid be up so late? They were just using him to get in the hot tub. Fuck them.

 

The hot tub was closed too.

Sometimes, closing that was fun. Like the pool, I’d give people advance warning that the hot tub was closing at 10. Then at 10, I’d tell them that was it for the night. I’d give them a few minutes to get out and dry off while I gathered up the billiards and ping pong stuff, and used towels around the pool. If they were still in the tub, I’d remind them again, and flip the switch off.

I’d walk away, wait a minute or two, and if they turned the tub back on and weren’t getting out, I’d unlock the door to the actual machine and flip the switches to turn the jets off. Distant grumbling would ensue.

Yeah, I was a bit of a smart-ass at 17.

 

At what age did you start watching wrasslin’?

 

12.

 

I thought a lifeguard at hotel pool story would be more scandalous.

 

Usually it’s not the lifeguard. It’s the pool boy.

 

sword

 

Eh, I may have been an asshole at 17, but I wasn’t very confident with dealing with the opposite sex. Only semi-scandalous thing that ever occurred was one time, I was going through the sauna and showers after closing time picking up discarded towels when I pulled the shower curtain and saw a nude woman in there drying off.

I closed the curtain and apologized, and the woman was understanding.

The one time I got an invite back to a room was from an old man, which, since I’m not gay, I declined.