I have malignant salivary gland cancer

Led Zeppelin twice an hour every hour or else!

We had WAAF on the east coast. Loved driving around in the more remote areas of CT closer to the Massachusetts border and being able to hear that. I was driving in Massachusetts about 20 or so years ago and heard Andy Taylor's "Take It Easy" as a lost hit of the day. I was so happy I called the station and thanked the DJ. What a dork (me, not him). I think the station went Christian a few years ago.

 

My cousin, Long Paul, was hired away from KNAC by KLOS, the top main-stream rock station in L.A. I remember my aunt, his mom, calling and shouting: "KLOS just fired Geno Michellini and hired Paul for the afternoon drive-time slot." That didn't last. KLOS changed a lot of things a couple of months later and Paul was out.

 

It was their penance for all those years of Opie and Anthony.

Oddly enough, the best metal radio on the East Coast is Seton Hall University's WSOU. Yes, it's a Catholic university.

 

What about Eddie Trunk's show? Is that any good?

 

Largely depends on what you want of it. If you want to discover and listen to newer music, there are better ways of doing that. If you like interviews and behind-the-scenes stuff both past and present, you'll have a good time. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of rock and metal and the stories can be really entertaining. You really need to like listening to Eddie Trunk, though. The man can TALK. It's like sports radio in that the show is only as good as the topics. KISS using backing tracks is his version of the Pete Rose HOF debate.

 

I've been listening to Eddie for 20+ years and have called into his show a bunch. I've also enjoyed chatting with him in person a few times and he champions most of the bands I like. But he's getting harder and harder to listen to. As you noted, he can TALK. And talk and talk and talk. The rants about the R&R HOF, the Grammys and backing tracks are exhausting. Like, dude, the world is on fire, let's move on. The free-for-all Fridays have, I swear, like one call per segment because he just goes off. And the name-dropping about the place in Vegas is getting really tiresome. He talks about that place like I would have talked about bedding the head cheerleader in high school.

I'm also not listening to him as much w/the time shift change. The 2-4 block was perfect b/c I pick my daughter up at school at 2:30 and if there was something that piqued my interest during the drive, I could just continue listening online when we got home. Now it's 3-5 so I'm usually just listening to music and then we get home and I flip on the TV.

 

Weird, self-destructive thoughts. Like no matter what I’m gonna be a burden to everyone whose life I affect. Everything is through the prism of me dealing with essentially a death sentence and trying to act like everything is OK. I can’t withstand this dynamic forever, and feel like a burden to my loved ones. Very lonely place.

I’m a fighter and always stick my nose in, aggressive. But that does ya fuck all good when the enemy is within, and there’s currently nothing I am doing to fight it. Doctor is advising active surveillance. I almost wish he told me to get chemo because then I’d feel like I was doing something. The kaleidoscope of emotions are unbelievable; at once, grateful for every day, but I’m also taxing the shit out of my wife, daughter, and friends, who all have to triangulate around this, me.

Would welcome any and all advice because being tough and sucking it up only goes so far. I can’t subsist like this, I’m a burden.

 

I've had a few friends with cancer - there really is no better resource than to find others who are dealing with it and know where you are at - a group, or on-line. Not saying you will get the answers you want CD. But they may have insights. And your family and friends want to be there for you - they are in this with you - you are not a burden. Don't feel you have to accomodate anything you aren't comfortable with - but at the same time - being there for you helps them.

 

Well, brass tacks I also have substance abuse issues and that’s becoming a salient issue of late because I‘ve been numbing myself with edibles, tequila, other illicit shit. Mainly because I can’t talk to any of my loved ones in a productive, understanding way. Like alcohol is a complete depressant but it’s everyone’s social lubricant. But not only that, it’s high in sugar and an inflammatory, so not good for cancer prevention. But nobody wants to hear that shit, they want the same person I’ve been — and I do, too. But that person is gone and trying to embody that past iteration is a recipe for disaster. A month after I finished radiation last summer I went to a bachelor party and was getting after it like I used to. I basically like OD’d, body shut down at our local bar, had to be taken via ambulance to the hospital. It was touch and go till they got me filled with fluids. And so my wife had to get that fucking phone call at 2 a.m. As if I hadn’t put her through enough. It’s a whole scene, man, being compromised and enfeebled, first physically but then mentally and emotionally.

But yeah, you’re right, I need to find fellow travelers because they’re the only ones who truly get it.

 

Grace and peace to you and your family (which I suppose is just the fanciful Methodist version of thoughts and prayers.)

I’m guessing Mrs. Boogie is scared as hell too. If you give voice to your fears, perhaps it will help her to feel less alone. After all you aren’t asking her to fix it. You are just sharing all of yourself with the one you love most, which is what all those mushy vows were getting at way back when.

You may not be in as awful a place mentally as you fear. You have maturity and acceptance about your condition and you know you don’t want your last impression to be that of someone out of control. Talk to the doc openly and honestly about what palliative care options are available. You may legally qualify for the good stuff behind the digitally locked cabinet doors that can help alleviate the physical burdens at this stage.

My suggestion is to figure out who the people are in life that mean the most to you and decide on what information you want to make sure they have while you are still here. Then tell them, whether through conversation or writing. They love you and want to share with you in full, not just try and grunt through your last days like a Hemingway character.

I led myself down some dark fucking paths when I convinced myself I was a burden to others. You deserve so much better. Please talk to someone. The fact you are willing to reach out here is a promising sign.

 

So yesterday I had my latest three month CAT scan on the adenoid cystic carcinoma that had originated in my cheek and after surgical removal had metastasized to my lungs. This is what my oncologist, who is busy with people actually on the precipice of dying, wrote to me after I read the MyChart report, saw my cancer had grown, then called him in a panic because, well…

“I hope all is well. I know we had an appointment scheduled next week but will have to change. I did not want you to wait for results and you may have seen them on Epic. Overall the lung lesions are slightly larger but still very small and can continue to monitor. They questioned a small lesion in the liver which looks like a possible hemangioma but will check an MRI to further evaluated but looks like lower suspicion. I will plan to give you a call but wanted to share this with you before the weekend.”

In short, my cancer has advanced— but not that much. Ill take it. I‘ll always take it. Keep me alive till you figure out how to fix me. Meanwhile, my wife acknowledged the news by seducing me.

Life doesn’t suck, and I am blessed. Grateful for days like today.

Humbled,
Boogie

 

Boogie on, Boogie. Boogie well.