The Five Songs You Never-Ever Wanna Hear Again

WTF? I like that song! (I agree with the rest of your list.)

What are we talking about here? Is this a worst song list? Or overplayed list? Or? Overplayed by bands you like? Let's dive into overplayed ...

OVERPLAYED (instant change on the dial)
"Bohemian Rhapsody", Queen - It's become so rote. I'm not convinced it's a great or even good song to begin with, but its been so run into the ground one way or another. "Hey! Remember when Wayne and Garth sang it!" Yeah, I do, I lived and breathed air in 1991, you couldn't get around it, and my memory hasn't yet turned to mush. Now that I'm old, most nostalgia is stupid. People remembering things wrong or too generally. Fuck that, but I digress. Also, my kids like this song, so *they* won't let me skip it. Queen is one of the most hit-and-miss bands of all-time and it makes me ill they're up on a pantheon in many people's eyes with the greatest of bands. The fuckers who did "Fat Bottomed Girls" and "Body Language"? Give me strength.
"Sweet Caroline", Neil Diamond - Shut the fuck up with your drunken sing-a-alongs. It's a boring song to start with and there are better Neil Diamond songs. Oh for the alternate universe where "Cracklin' Rosie" became the sing-a-along standard. Or, the even better alternate universe where "I Am ... I Said" became the sing-a-along because the lyrics are laugh-out-loud ridiculous/hilarious and fun to sing too! I AM I CRIED!
Anything from "The Wall" except "Comfortably Numb", Pink Floyd - The excepted song is itself overplayed, but David Gilmour's guitar is undeniably great. As for everything else off of that album, I hate it. I truly do. I do not understand what people could possibly love about Roger Waters bitching about the trappings of fame. Oh noes! Drunk people at a Montreal concert weren't "hearing" the band properly. Please eat shit. He is a world-class asshole. I love 70s Pink Floyd in every single one of the their other albums, but the drop-off in musical and lyrical quality on "The Wall" is stark. Listen to "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" back-to-back with "Another Brick In The Wall" and do your own taste test. (OK, "Young Lust" is just barely passable too.)
"Smells Like Teen Spirit", Nirvana - Pretty much every single Nirvana put out besides this was better. The mediocrity of this song actually turned me off to Nirvana for a long time and definitely turned me off to them as grunge avatars. (I was in the Pearl Jam camp at the time.) It took "In Utero" to finally get me on-board.
"Smalltown", John Mellencamp - I lived in Indiana for a long time. For that alone? I detoxed from Mellencamp for nearly two decades because back in the 90s? It was some wall-to-wall inescapable shit. ("Indianapolis" by the Bottle Rockets captures the vibe perfectly.)

Now, Mellencamp, generally, is good. His rockers, in particular, are usually pretty ace. His more contemplative songs are good to excellent.

"Smalltown", however, has just gone beyond the pale. Most of the problem isn't on Mellencamp, it's that it's been appropriated by smalltown dipshits who use it as an anthem. Was that the point? Yeah, almost certainly, but FIND ANOTHER SONG! IT'S OVERPLAYED! (Checks notes, sees that smalltown folks of today would probably pick Jason Aldean. Never mind, stick with Mellencamp.)

Also? It has probably been used in every Larry Bird retrospective ever made, which is so lazy as fuck.

Documentary hack No. 1: (speaking to someone out of view) ... 'What's that? Bird turned us down for an interview, again! What's his fucking problem? He's busy? Busy doing what? You asked him and he said he's busy not giving a fuck about doing an interview? OK, try again, next week.'
OK, I'm back. Hey! What music should we use for this Bird montage?
Documentary hack No. 2: Well, he's got that hick from French Lick rags to riches things going. He's kind of an asshole. He's from Indiana or Kentucky or some other flyover state with meth.
Documentary hack No. 1: HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! John Mellencamp is from Indiana, right? He's kind of an asshole, right? They both grew up in the same smalltown, right?
Documentary hack No. 2: I don't think they did, but no one will know the difference. I see where you're going with this. Is "Smalltown" the video where he's with a bunch of meth heads on motorcycles?
Documentary hack No. 1: No, that's "Hurts So Good". Is "Smalltown" the one where he's dancing in a field of poppies?
Documentary hack No. 2: Hmm. Don't remember. Maybe it's the one with Super 8 footage of people roller skating? Or the "other" video with Super 8 footage of people roller skating?
Anyway, "Smalltown" lyric starts with "I was born in a small town ..." That is so perfect! Or? Maybe is it a bit too perfect? I swear I've heard that song associated with Bird before. Perhaps we shouldn't fall victim to cliche ...
(Bill Simmons barges in ...)
Bill Simmons: Sorry, I was just writing about how any NBA team could have had Jerry Sichting as the final piece of the puzzle in 1986, but RED IS FREAKING GENIUS! SUCK A FAT ONE, LAKERS, SIXERS, ROCKETS and BUCKS!
Anyhow, I heard you're making a Bird doc. I hope you're up to code on the rules. "Smalltown" must be used with your Bird montage. It's the law.
It's right there in the fine print next to "must use Johnny Most audio footage from Pistons series" and "must use either Bird converting over the top of the backboard" and/or "must include over-the-head pass". Bird hitting his head in the Pacers series in 1991 and coming back to beat them anyway is optional, but encouraged. We don't want simpletons to suspect that "moment" was against an extraordinarily mediocre Indiana team. Mmmkay. We up to speed? So make with the "Smalltown" clip.
I gotta go. I'm considering a civil suit against Jeff Pearlman for not including Cedric Maxwell prominently enough in "Showtime". Gonna clean his clock. Wicked pissa and all that.

Larry and John have something in common too. Both small-town southern Indiana guys ... WHO DON'T FUCKING LIVE IN THEIR SMALLTOWNS! Mellencamp is within spitting distance in Bloomington, which culturally, is diametrically opposed to where he actually grew up. Bird probably hasn't breathed air in French Lick since they re-opened the casinos ... other than to maybe play golf.

 

Piano Man (which I had to endure listening to as the encore of a Billy Joel cover band at Sacred Heart University on Saturday during a Family Weekend event).
Last Christmas by Wham
Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney
anything by the Eagles that's not Hotel California.
Jump by Van Halen.

 

I mean, I grew up adoring Larry Bird and occasionally throw on highlights on YouTube, and yet, this is a masterclass from start to finish.

 

1. Hey Jude

2. Stairway to Heaven

3. Bohemian Rhapsody

4. Money

5. The Wall

 

Good lists! I'll add:
"Hurt so Good" by Mellencamp
"At the Copa" by Manilow
"American Pie" by what's-his-name
"Miss You" by the Stones
"Margaritaville" by the recently late Jimmy Buffett.

On the last title, I acknowledge that Buffett was a great songwriter. He also liked to promote other songwriters who hadn't made it big, which was generous. But his voice grated on me. Combine that with the song's presence on every radio playlist, and that is enough to kill the charm.

And, after "Wish You Were Here," not much of Pink Floyd's output is too interesting to me. That's from a fan who saw them in concert three times in the '70s.

 

dude.

 

It’s all synthesizers and the lyrics are so lame, even by VH standards. Oh, might as well Jump…

 

5) “Breakfast In America” Don’t ask me to explain. I just want it to stop popping up on my Spotify shuffle

4) “Africa” mostly because they shoehorned Kilimanjaro and the Serengeti into one cringy lyric. Rest of the song I can take or leave but that lyric feels like they opened an encyclopedia abcs tried to get as many African references in as they could.

3) “Escape (The Pina Collada Song)”

2) “Nookie” I am (partially) ashamed to admit, I liked Nu Metal when it was becoming a thing but Limp Bizkit sucked and Nookie particularly sucked.

1) “All I Want For Christmas Is You” I will become violent if this song is played. Violent.

 

The Final Countdown
Stand Back
Candle In The Wind
Somebody That I Used To Know
She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

 

So many possibilities. I’ll go with “overplayed 1980s format” as my theme.

5. “Jesse’s Girl” — not necessarily a bad song. But anyone born after 1990 thinks this is the only song Rick Springfield ever recorded. Would it kill the AI deejays of 2023 to play “Don’t Talk to Strangers” or “Human Touch” once a week?

4. “Red Red Wine” (the UB 40 version) — Perhaps the worst cover song of the 1980s, and that’s the decade when Tiffany was on the charts with a Beatles song. The lame beat, the whiny lead vocalist, the horrible rap section … it’s enough to make me want to hear a roomful of drunks sing “Sweet Caroline.”

3. “Puttin on the Ritz” — Taco. I hated this song when I was 10 and it unleashed its canned cheese synths upon the world. It’s aged about as well as a reheated taco supreme from T-Bell.

2. “We Are the World” —USA for Africa. I think this might be the top selling single of the decade. It sold about 13 million copies, which is the same number of times the refrain is sung. Prince took a lot of shit at the time, but history shows he was right to stay away from this one. All the stars should have just written a check or held a Jerry Lewis style telethon for Africa instead. NOTE: This song is hardly ever played anymore, but even once is too much.

1. “We Built This City” by Starship. Five years or so after hitting the top of the charts with this turd, the Starship drummer was hitting Mickey Thomas in his very punchable face. Too bad the broken face didn’t happen in 1984 … we would have been spared from hearing this.

 

3. That song is so tonally weird it kind of freaked me out when it was out. The "gotta dance" part was haunting to me in combination with the weird-ass synths. Taco's surreal video and his look didn't help matters. And yes, that song had aged badly by December 1983 much less now.

2. Bruce Springsteen's finest moment. Admirable restraint in his delivery.

 

We used to have a program where I could see and take control of any of my students' computers any time throughout the day. Many times, I'd be on plan period and feel like messing with people. I'd seize control of either really good kids who'd get a kick out of it or shitbirds who wouldn't know what happened and Rick Roll them just for the heck of it. They could be in the middle of a math test or something, and I'd do it anyway.