I have malignant salivary gland cancer

You're getting the best medical treatment on the planet. I spent 3-4 hours with my pitcher one day when she was getting treatments at Dana-Farber. She met with so many doctors and specialists and nurses and techs that day and every one of them made Gretta and her mom feel safe, secure, and loved.

 

Tots and pears, Dawg, tots and pears.

 

So taking the Amtrak to Boston tomorrow morning for the first day of my clinical trial and I’d be lying if my mind weren’t at cross purposes, mainly because I have been battling a post-radiation cough for two months and nothing — cough drops, excessive water, benzo something for cough, Cepacol, etc., — is alleviating it. So I’m a one-eyed, coughing idiot, which doesn’t do well socially or on mass transit.

I don’t know. I guess I should be optimistic and looking forward, but more than anything I feel like I should just suck it up and resign myself to the fact I’m an otherwise healthy, stout male with no other underlying conditions and they’re gonna throw the kitchen sink at me to see what works and what might benefit other people in my condition down the line. I ain’t a defeatist, but when I tell you that coughing all day long and only being able to see outta one eye takes the piss outta ya, well, it does. I’m exhausted all the time and all I wanna do is sleep, unless I’m buoyed by tequila lol.

Like, I’m quickly realizing I’ll never, ever, get back to what I was or even close and that’s a tough thing to deal with, man. I might survive this but what will that serve for me personally? I guess that’s the point; it probably won’t.

Just finding joy in fewer and fewer things because, oh yeah, I’m coughing all the time and I’m an annoyance. Talking to my radiologist tomorrow on my train ride to Boston and she said she might have some ideas. But I don’t want more drugs. I’m already in a haze.

At the same time, it bears mentioning that my wife’s boss — a verified sociopath who runs a hedge fund — offered and is paying for me to take the Acela tomorrow and also putting me up for two days at the Commonwealth, official hotel of the Boston Red Sox, a nut no less than $1,000.

People don’t always suck, especially when the chips are down. I just hope I can figure out what point, if any, there is to all this pain and how I can turn it into a positive.

Boogie.

 

Hang in there, buddy. Understandable to have some down moments. Hoping you get good news and some new directions to go in Boston.

 

We all wish we could really help, CD Boogie. All I can think of is a suggestion, that I hope will be taken in the spirit in which it is intended:

It seems like you need to figure out something that you really want to do. And then, go do it, whatever it takes.

Please, remember you're still living. Try to take the time to do it a little. I can imagine it's so hard right now. But try to give yourself something to look forward to, to be happy with, and to appreciate in a good, positive way.

I know you must be acutely aware, lately, that time, and life, are precious. But so are you. Treat yourself, if you can at all. Dip into the bucket list. Maybe it'll be like going to the well for you.

I hope so, and I'll be thinking of and praying for you.

 

Hey CD I’m not going to pretend to know what you’re going through, just know that I’m hoping for a breakthrough for you. Enjoy th trip and hotel.

 

Rooting for you CD.

As far as the cough - I once had a coughing fit (pre-Covid 2020) on a redeye flight.

One of the flight attendants made me a hot toddy - hot tea, lemon and a little bottle of Jack.

That subsided things for about 1.5 hours or so. I hated to be a bum, but I went back to the galley and asked for a second one. Got me through the flight.

Something about the warmth of the tea and the Jack really helped. Just an idea.

Best wishes on your Boston trip. You might want to take pen and paper, and take notes. I’m sure you are going to get a LOT of information this week.

Regards,
VB

 

Enjoy a little Bill Burr during the ride on the train ...

 

I'm sure it feels this way, but I'm almost as sure it's not the reality of those around you. Rooting for you hard.

 

CD Boogie,

I've been thinking about you, and, I'm wondering what the doctors have said about your cough? Have they had any suggestions about what to do for it/about it?

And why, specifically, is it occurring? It is from the actual cancer, and you have fluid in the lungs (that, maybe, they could drain?), or is it a different kind of cough -- a side effect of the radiation, or other treatments/medicines?

This seems like something the doctors would've run into before in other cases like yours.

 

Go see Aaron Rodgers' doctor.

 

I won’t pretend to know your exact circumstances but am familiar with the sensation of “one more damn thing” that becomes the breaking point, not because it is insurmountable on its own but because of the strain of everything else in the pile of worries that outside observers don’t notice.

All of that to say, it may just be a cold and at the same time I understand why it isn’t “just a cold.” Permission granted to treat yourself gently.