How does your family handle death?

Interesting question. When my mother, father, grandmother and uncle died over the last 30 years we chose to forgo services. They were cremated and their cremains were buried in an Upper Peninsula cemetery.

 

My family does the traditional Catholic funeral at the mortuary, then a graveside portion of the service and a large luncheon/dinner thing with everyone invited.

That all seems normal, but there's also sneaking in a cooler full of Old Style to drink toasts to the deceased in the funeral home, and going over the emotional cliff with whatever family member was fighting with the deceased at the time of their passing, because they are realizing they have no time left to mend fences, and then the resumption and forming of new squabbles with living family members.

My brother and I seem to be the only ones who refuse to believe this is "normal" behavior, and when we gently bring up the notion of ending these little meaningless fights while there's still time, it's like we asked for a blow job in the middle of church.

 

Mary Magdalene at your service, sir.

 

Depends on the manner of death, of course.

I'm exactly one year removed from one of my best friends' suicide. They tried to make it a celebration, but it just didn't work given the circumstances.

He was an alcoholic, and whatever tone they were trying to achieve as a celebration was dashed when my friends' AA sponsor went very frank with his experiences in a eulogy. It was tasteless for the occasion, smacked of being a defense of AA at the expense of my friend and shocked everyone.

My Mom died when I was 12, so I am perceived as cold about death. Probably right, I do take it as inevitable and since I felt the ultimate loss early in life very early, I don't get very emotional about deaths, especially when the family member lived a full life.

Not that it doesn't hurt. My friend's death shocked me deeply, but I'm stoic in the moment. Probably to a fault.

 

I've found recently that people are taking a hard line against the standard, condescending sayings people throw out (just like "thoughts and prayers" lines are now irritating people). One friend recently lost her husband unexpectedly. Someone posted on FB that "he is in a better place." Posting for the widow, someone responded with "NO!! A better place is here with his family."
I have a friend whose son committed suicide. He lived out of town but was back for Thanksgiving and went by himself to the family home and hung himself in the garage. At the funeral, one woman said out loud, "You know, they always go home to kill themselves because they want to punish their parents." My friend's daughter (sister of the deceased) had to be restrained from pummeling the woman.

 

The better place comment is innocuous enough, though I understand the response. Saying at the funeral that the person went home to commit suicide to punish the parents should earn the person a beating.

 

I went to one of the last pre-Covid funerals, the Saturday before the sports world shut down five days later. I don’t know that my friend ever truly had a chance to completely process the loss of her mother because the world turned upside down within a week’s time. And because the service had already happened, there really wasn’t a space for a do-over memorial. (She wouldn’t have gone for that anyway, as she is intensely private.)

As for the suicide quip, I would have needed a lot of convincing not to fetch my tire iron from the trunk.

 

The mention of Old Style made me smile and remember my Grandfather’s funeral.

He had a rough final few years suffering from dementia, and by the end couldn’t really recognize his wife (not my Mom’s mother) or his two children, so in a way his funeral was a celebration both of his life and the fact that his suffering was over.

While visitation and services were in the Chicago area, Grandpa was born in a small mining town in downstate Illinois, and that’s where he wanted to be buried. So there was a short ceremony at the cemetery the next day, and afterward his younger brother — my great-uncle — had a great time showing us around their small hometown.

Because both brothers were big fans of cheap beer, the tour included a stop at a local bar, where about a dozen of us emptied their fridge of Old Style and PBR, two of my Grandpa’s favorites. A fitting tribute, I thought!

 

The last close person in my world who passed was my father, in the heart of Covid. He lived in the next state over, about 7 hours away, and the entire region was completely shut down.

According to his wishes, no funeral, no memorial services, no visitation. Just cremation and burial next to my late mother. It was a surprise to me that he made that decision, but seemed pretty selfless. Don't "waste" money on people to come around and be sad for me. I'm leaning in that direction for whenever I go.

 

When my dad died, we did a private family viewing, and I personally closed and locked his casket after telling everyone else to leave the room. No visitation. Graveside only, and anyone who wanted to was welcome to come. My wife kept on and on about receiving friends. My mom and I flatly refused. Any friends of mine who wanted to pay respects know how to reach me any time they want. I wasn't interested in standing there interacting with people I don't know telling me stories I'm not interested in hearing. I personally officiated his Masonic service and then took a seat with my wife and mom. I do all our lodge funerals, and as we process out, I stop and speak to the next of kin. I treated his like any other, and I said the exact same thing to my mom as I do everyone else, but then I learned over and kissed her. I raised up and said to the crowd, "That part isn't usually part of the service, but I thought I'd make an exception." Everyone cracked up laughing. We had the military portion of his service, and a preacher he worked with said a few words. We hung around and chatted with the folks there, and that was it. It was perfect.
My mom wants to be cremated, and there is to be no service of any kind. Under no circumstances and I to pay money to open the grave and to bury her ashes. If I want to go off by myself and scatter her ashes in a nice place, she said that will be fine with her. Again, my wife keeps on about having a service because people will want to come by. I respond, "Too bad. It's not their call. It's mine. I don't want people coming by."

 

Love that, Driftwood.

Maybe it's just my dysfunctional family situation rearing its ugly head, but I feel very gross about having a service/visitation for people to come by and say nice things about the deceased that they couldn't be bothered to say to them when they were alive. You don't get the "do-over" to say these things now and feel like a good person and with closure, etc.

Disclaimer: I realize this attitude is what is almost surely going to put me in an early grave.

 

As a Catholic, I’ve seen funerals and visitations go both ways.

Some truly have been a celebration, both of the person who’s passed on and among the family and friends who gathered.

Others have turned really awkward and ugly as long-simmering family feuds, resentment and anger come out during a time when emotions are raw. There’s also been a lot of grumbling and anger toward the Church by many of the younger attendees who have left it.