Unsolicited Advice To Writers, Artists, Actors, Directors, Musicians, and Other People We Don't Know

Dear John Grisham.

Nice guys finish fast. Skipping Christmas and Playing For Pizza are ridiculously good. In fact, I laughed out loud more than once when I read Skipping Christmas. The only other Southern writers who have accomplished such a thing are Molly Ivins, Rita Mae Brown, and Florence King.

The problem is you want the gravitas of the courtroom and you think making a latter day Sistine Chapel with a collage of shredded Nutshell books, Faulkner outtakes, and a tissue that was once soaked by Truman Capote's teas will do it for you,

No. Just...no.

Please keep writing shiny little literary baubles of books that delight your moody, sullen readers. We need the giggles, lawman.

Sincerely,
Oscar

PS. I did not laugh once at Christmas With The Kranks. Not one time. The book was so much better.

 

Dear Jon Krackauer,

You're like Lucy Van Pelt with the darned football and I am Charlie Brown. I keep picking up your books in hope that you will stick to the subject from start to finish. I ought to know by now that you will stop at some point one half to two-thirds of the way in and insert hundreds of pages about that one time when someone slammed your dick with a locker door and then you had to suit up and go play kickball. Oh, and your brother was sad about it or something and then you went off to college to be a writer.

You do this every time. Every blessed book.

Why?

Are you bored?

Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop. Just tell the story.

Bless your heart,
Oscar

 

Dear John Grisham:

Outside the legal arena, "A Painted House"
was fuckin' awesome. And so was "Bleachers."

p.s. Them lawyer books was awesome, too. Thanks again.

 

All serial writers,

Maybe the plan to write a novel every year doesn't lead to great art.

 

Dear OscarMadison,

I love this thread idea,

Sincerely,

DanOregon

 

Dear OscarMadison,

Phrasing!

Sincerely,
Inky_Wretch

 

The Brits I was hanging out with in 1992 or so were raving about Grisham and The Firm. All I got.

 

Dear John Sandford,

That fucking Flowers, right?

 

Dear Robert Caro,

Just publish the damn thing. Whatever you got. You’re gonna die soon.

Sincerely,

Hermes

 

Dear George Martin,

PLEASE finish your last book! We need it, GoT was so spectacular.

 

Dear qtlaw: You think it's only gonna take him one book to finish that mess up?

 

Watch it, or Letty’ll kick your ass.