Buehrle Story

Hey guys, just started my first sports blog. I was hoping you guys might take a look. Might not be the best or of utmost important to you, but please take five minutes to at least skim my first article on Buehrle's perfect game.

Thanks much.

sportsintern.blogspot.com

 

I just started a restaurant. It's right over there. Everyone go!

 

I mean, yeah, it's self-advertising and a little forward. I understand that. That's why I'm not begging people to go. I'm just asking, if you've got five minutes, skim it and I'd love some feed back. No need to be a jerk.

 

This should probably be in the writing critique section of SportsJournalists.com.

Anyway, it was alright. I like the concept but I think the presentation and delivery could have been better. Wasn't too original. You probably need to be more authoritative with your opinions, but not bad.

 

You must be new around here. I''ll try to give it a look and get back to you.

 

Well, first off, you spelled Dewayne Wise, Harry Caray and Harry Kalas wrong. Be sure to check any spelling you aren't sure of.

And it was too long for my taste. Just because a blog has unlimited space doesn't mean you have to go wild. I really got bogged down after about four sections. Try editing yourself, using your words more economically and not being so wordy.

And you really need to focus it into more of a cohesive unit. I know you had a theme, but it seemed to ramble away from that in several spots. Such as: The team section should have been much shorter (or elminated altogether). The backgrounds of the teams might be relevant (in your opinion), but you don't need to give a five-year history of them.

And try not use fortunately, unfortunately, great, etc., so much. They're crutches, and most young writers use them. Stop.

Overall, it was a pretty good read, though. For an 18-year-old writer, you're on the right track. Just keep working at it, and you'll learn a lot of this as you go.

 

Thanks guys. Yeah, I'm more or less new to it and just wanted to get this out as something to work on even if I'm not working anywhere.

I was worried it was too long, but wanted to stick to the framework. But the critiques were really helpful.

Sorry about posting it in the wrong spot, but thanks again.