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Marriage problems

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by OpenHeart, Oct 30, 2011.

  1. qtlaw

    qtlaw Well-Known Member

    My sister and I knew when my parents were unhappy (even when we were 4 & 6.) I was happy for the divorce because there was no more arguing, screaming, dirty looks. I am not a believer in marriage for the kids.

    You promised to stay married because you thought the other person felt the same way and the same level of commitment. You're obviously not seeing that mutual commitment. You cannot force it, you cannot make him love you or do the things he needs to do to make you feel like its a true partnership.

    Yes your kids will not have 2 parents together, but what they may get will be two happy parents but not under the same roof. You decide which is better for them in the long run.
     
  2. Turtle Wexler

    Turtle Wexler Member

    You are not helping. I don't think this is remotely in the realm of what OpenHeart has described is going on.
     
  3. YankeeFan

    YankeeFan Well-Known Member

    For once, I'm in full agreement with Turtle Wexler.
     
  4. YankeeFan

    YankeeFan Well-Known Member

    Holidays are the toughest when things aren't going well.

    Not saying 21 is wrong, but if that's how you're going to play it, I would make sure you're both in agreement about even that. Call a truce, and let the kids have fun. Make it about them.

    Not to threadjack, and I'm not ready to get to into it, but my girlfriend & I just broke up.

    The idea of going through the holidays miserable was not something I (or either of us, I suppose) wanted to do.

    But, also a totally different situation. No kids, and have known for a long time (like the whole time) that it was going nowhere.
     
  5. Boom_70

    Boom_70 Well-Known Member

    Hah - too bad they can't bottle endorphins. The world would be a more peaceful place.
     
  6. forever_town

    forever_town Well-Known Member

    There is no shame in walking away if you can't work things out. Always remember that. You can be great parents to your kids, even if you're not together.

    My mother and father did not speak, except on extremely rare occasions (and mostly when my mother was calling to tell me a relative had died or was being taken to hospice) for nearly 20 years. Now they actually e-mail and occasionally call each other. Lately, my father and I have had a falling out of sorts that has basically turned my mother into an intermediary between us.

    So you never know. If my parents could get back to a point when they can go to lunch together and enjoy each other's company as friends (which they have a few times in the past couple of years), anything is possible. But give yourself time to heal.
     
  7. waterytart

    waterytart Active Member

    OpenHeart, how did the first installment of the holidays go?
     
  8. OpenHeart

    OpenHeart New Member

    Hmmm. It was between fine and good, I guess. But, and I don't know if this makes any sense, it seems that any day can be good or bad, and it just doesn't seem to matter in the big picture. It's almost like we're separated but still living together. Someone posted about having more sex -- that's just not an option. Believe me, I wish it were. Haha. But in one of my initial posts, I talked about how our situation has created some deep resentments, and one of the ways that's manifested itself is that we've had severely limited contact for several months. We were watching our favorite team the other night and they pulled off a big win, and we were both going nuts on our own sides of the living room, with nary a high five between us.

    Is it possible to overcome a gulf that wide? I don't want to stop believing that it is. But I allow that maybe I'm fooling myself.

    When I started this thread, I was hoping I might hear from some people whose marriage was at the brink, and they were able to rescue it. I've not. Maybe those stories don't exist.

    All I know is I'd do anything to be the exception.
     
  9. dooley_womack1

    dooley_womack1 Well-Known Member

    The couple that high-fives together, stays together.

    I'm being silly. But I don't think you're alone; I'm guessing it took you a long time to get to the point of being able to vent about things, so maybe there are those who could reach out that just haven't gotten to that point yet.
     
  10. OpenHeart

    OpenHeart New Member

    I'm feeling pretty sick to my stomach. On the surface, things are "fine." We get along well enough. There are laughs here and there. We both love time spent with the kids. But there's been no meaningful progress in our relationship. Honestly, at this point I feel like we're getting along as if we're already separated. And I told myself that the new year is going to have to bring changes. So the biggest talk of my life is brewing. One of you noted in a post that I seemed willing to do anything to save our marriage; could the same be said of my spouse? I guess that's what "the talk" will be aimed at figuring out. And even if we do truly buckle down and give it our everything, I know there's no guarantee we're going to wake up happily married again someday.

    So, we'll see, I guess. I certainly don't have a good feeling.
     
  11. Flying Headbutt

    Flying Headbutt Moderator Staff Member

    Never been married, but I have had one friend tell me straight up "I think my marriage is over" after he had a fight with his wife. Apparently the had been fighting a lot, and a lot of his resentment was her attitude about certain things and just the way they had evolved since high school. But here we are five years later and they're still together and probably doing better than any other time in their lives.

    I have another friend who separated from his wife and lived apart for about a year or so. But they worked through it, some counseling I think, and now they're pushing probably 40 years of marriage together.

    When marriages are on the brink, sometimes they do work out. If you're willing to save it, and you think it needs saving, don't be afraid to just come out and say it. Don't beat around the bush. Don't hope for the best and be tense and scared, as tense and scary as that could possibly be. But face up to it. Open yourself as wide as possible, and offer all the love you have again and hope that inspires her to try to do the same.
     
  12. Boom_70

    Boom_70 Well-Known Member

    Sound advise with extra credit for fine usage of double entendre's.
     
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