Dear dimwit on the phone

The first two papers I worked at had a "bowling guy" that kept track of such events (the 2nd paper still has a monthly "bowling magazine" in fact that he publishes pretty much by himself)...so I never had bowling problems until my 3rd stop...which consisted of bad fax upon bad fax.

 

That's how we get bowling results. That or they type them up then drop them by the office for us to retype. That's what pisses me off about bowling results. They type them up, but can't email?

 

A 300 game / hole-in-one is a brief, unless there is a twist to the story.

 

Well, when your past time of choice lost it's major appeal in 1972 and you are still living in the glory days....you have no idea what the Internet is.

 

Many folks on this thread have heard about the old guy who calls every day to ask if someone he knows has passed away. I'm not kidding -- the guy calls every stinking day at the same exact time.

Except this weekend.

He's called 10-15 times in the last three days, including no telling how many times in a row today when the only person in the newsroom at the time couldn't answer the phone because she was doing an interview on another line.

Evidently, it turns out that the guy didn't even know his own dad died until he (IIRC) found out from us.

 

And phone call No. 6 just came in a few minutes ago ...

 

Call block.

 

I've got to ask. When this guy calls in, does he give you a list of people he knows and ask you to check them off if they're alive or does he ask you to read the people, one at a time, who have died?

Because I feel like you could save yourself a lot of time and trouble if you had him give you a list of people he knows and then just call him when one goes toes up.

 

I am probably going to hell for laughing at this.

 

Dear dude who sent me an "Obama is going to kill our democracy" e-mail,

I get you don't like Obama and that is your right, but if you are going to send out an e-mail full of "facts," you should make sure your numbers add up. If you send me "facts" where there are only 48 states in the union, I'm going to think you're a bigger crackpot than your chain e-mail would otherwise lead me to believe.

Thanks,
Spartan

 

That's 'cause you're counting New York and California and we don't like them liberal pussies and their god-hating ways. If they don't like America, they can GET OUT! </Tea Party>

 

In this vein, going back over ten years to my first daily:

Dear Fucktard Bowling Center Owner:

I'm sorry that I wasn't right there live with a camera when the best bowler in the area rolled his 300. See, first off, I don't have a fucking crystal ball, so I can't see into the future. And even if I did own a crystal ball, I sure as hell wouldn't be using it to find out about future 300 games. I'd be using it to bet on every single lottery.

You bitch and moan about how the previous sports editor always got those stories because he hung out in your alley, drinking beers and hanging out with your redneck clientele. I don't have time for that. See, after covering a high school game, which is actually more my job than becoming drinking buddies with your customers, I go home, hang out with my wife, and go to bed, because I have to get up early in the morning to go back in and put together the afternoon's section. That's one reason why I have this job. Your buddy got dumped because he didn't show up on a few mornings.

And quit bitching about how small the type is that I list your bowling scores. It's called agate. If I used regular type, I'd be using up an ENTIRE PAGE. That's an awful lot of space for nothing more than a list of names. And speaking of those names, stop putting in your stupid nicknames of your friends. I don't have time to call each and every one of them to see if they don't mind being called those nicknames, and I don't feel like getting a call from one of them complaining that they don't like being called whatever stupid nickname you come up with. And don't give me the whole, "Everyone knows him by 'Spudhead' " Really? I don't, and I'm sure quite a few of the readers don't. Which also goes for those childish inside jokes that you insert in your copy. Here's two hints: When you don't see them, it means they're not running. And no one outside your friends knows what you're talking about. I know, I know, your former SE buddy used to run them. And that's another reason why I have his job.

So, in summary, if you want to work with me, I'll do the best I can to give your bowlers coverage. If you want to act like a child because the paper fired your buddy, then go jam your head inside some kiddie bumpers.