What the movies taught you about sports

If you are a doctor in a combat zone, you can smoke doobage on the sideline of your football game.

 

If you want to win a football game in Korea, be sure you have a player named Spearchucker.

 

Knobs taken off spigots in restrooms can be used as credentials to get into horse races.

 

Referees can enforce foul line infractions with a handgun.

 

"PRESS!"
"PRESS!"
"Pulll (nyuknyuknyuk)"

 

That you can win at TAGWAR
When John Schuck says he's going to shove the ball right up your fucking ass, he will.
Never trust Vollmer to run the fumblerooski
The Annexation of Puerto Rico can work
That you should never throw the ball to Marty
(And as a bonus, Molly Ringwald feels masturbation is healthy)

 

That pissing on a contract can negate some of its terms

 

That even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we win! Even if we play so far above our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk because they've got all the money! It just doesn't matter if we win or we lose. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

 

If you're not first, you're last.

 

That a relative of a famous writer can become a noted female track athlete.

 

Significant amounts of hallucinogens can prove quite effective in slowing a particularly talented opponent.

 

That you can die by crashing into a fence while chasing a fly ball.