Football gamer

Hey all, I am a young writer just trying to get better. I'd really appreciate any feedback on my work. Here is a gamer I wrote a little while back.

SCOOBA — What took East Mississippi Community College a whole season to build, Copiah-Lincoln's Joe Craig Junior destroyed in only 12 seconds. Down 46-41 with 21.6 seconds on the clock, following what appeared to be a game-winning drive for EMCC, Craig took a kickoff and ran 90 yards to the end zone at Sullivan-Windham Field to give the Wolfpack a 47-46 lead and send the Lions home for a long offseason.
“I told Darius Guy to let me get it,” Craig Jr. said. “They blocked good and gave me an ally on the sidelines, and I just took off. As soon as I saw the hole, I knew it was a touchdown, because the only guy down field was the kicker, and I knew he wasn't going to catch me.”
The kickoff was supposed to be a squib kick, but instead of bouncing around on the turf, it went directly to the deadly returner.
Last week, special teams haunted the Lions in their 24-23 loss to Itawamba. This week, it was no different, as the special teams unit accounted for a missed field-goal, a blocked extra-point and a fumbled snap to go along with the kick return.
“We should have just kicked it deep to him, maybe it wouldn't have been as easy,” EMCC head coach Buddy Stephens said. “It was a squib kick that never bounced. We haven't had a kick run back on us all season, and it was just unfortunate.”
The Lions, who won their second state championship and first national championship a year ago, led the Wolfpack 40-28 with 8:45 left in the fourth quarter, following a touchdown from Rodriguez Moore. However, Co-Lin answered back on a 10-play drive, ending on a touchdown pass from Chandler Rogers to Christian Keene to make the score 40-35.
After forcing the Lions to a three-and-out on the ensuing drive, Co-Lin was dealt a break, as EMCC fumbled the punt to give the Wolfpack the ball at the EMCC 22-yard line.
The next play, Wolfpack running back Darius Guy made the Lions pay, running straight through the EMCC defense to put Co-Lin up 41-40 after a failed two-point conversion.
Lion quarterback Quez Johnson would rally EMCC back, however, marching the Lions 75 yards on 10 plays including a 10-yard touchdown run to put the Lions up 46-41 with 21.6 seconds left.
Johnson finished the night 39-of-55 for 412 yards and two touchdowns. After the ensuing kickoff return for a touchdown, the Lions would get the ball back with three seconds and a chance to score. However, a last minute Hail Marry pass was swatted down by a Co-Lin defender to end the game.
“It's a tough loss because our kids did come back and play really hard,” Stephens said. “It's hard for the players, it's hard for the coaches, it's hard for everybody. It's tough, because we have the most talent in the state, and we will be watching the championship game from home.”
Copiah-Lincoln will now travel to play Mississippi Gulf Coast Community College for the state championship on Saturday.
“They are not a flashy team,” Co-Lin head coach Glenn Davis said of his team. “They are just a hard-working, blue-collar bunch, and I would not trade them for anyone.”

 

Solid, mostly, but a couple things.

Consider thinning the lead. For example:

SCOOBA — What took *defending national champion East Mississippi Community College *(record?) an entire season to build, Copiah-Lincoln's Joe Craig, Jr. destroyed in a *mere 12 seconds Saturday at Sullivan-Windham Field.
… *I find out later in the story that EMCC is defending state and national champion. That's huge. Beating the defending state champs is also huge. Make that fact known early. … Also, you need to give some kind of insight into "what" exactly it was the East Mississippi built by indicating its record early on. If they're 12-0, 11-1, etc. at the time of your story, then that immediately lets readers know what you mean when you talk about it taking them an entire season to build something. I usually don't include records in the lead, but that's an important aspect for the strength of your lead here. … Also, "mere" is stronger than "only" in the first sentence, I think. It's fine lower in the story. Matter of taste, though. Up to you.)

Next, you need more background information in the second paragraph. Note the asterisks:

"Moments after an apparent game-winning touchdown by EMCC, with his team trailing, 46-41, and only 21.6 seconds to go, Craig fielded a kickoff and returned it 90 yards for a touchdown *(time of TD?) that gave the *Wolfpack the lead, 47-46, and ultimately the win over the *Lions in the semifinal round of the *(League/division/region?) playoffs.
… *Note here what the teams' poll rankings/playoff seeds are, and identify which league they're playing in, and the significance of the game. I never found out what league/division/region the teams play in, and I didn't know it was a semifinal playoff game until the end of the story. That's a big problem.)

The fact that Co-Lin is going to the state championship is a big deal. Move that line up to here.

"Copiah-Lincoln (record?) will now travel to play Mississippi Gulf Coast Community College (record?) for the *state championship on Saturday."
… In the interest of trimming from the second paragraph, you could actually wait to identify the league/division until you get here. Regardless, you need the name of the state sanctioning body for whose championship the teams will be playing somewhere in the story. This is a perfect place.

The quote from Craig, Jr. is good here.

Now, get into the meat of the botched squib kick by EMCC, but invert the order a little bit to make it known sooner that EMCC this is the second straight week special teams have cost them. Say something like this:

"Craig, Jr.'s kick return TD came on what was supposed to have been a squib kick, according to EMCC head coach Buddy Stephens. Instead of bouncing along on the turf, however, *(John Doe's) kick went directly to Craig Jr.

This marks the second time in as many games that special teams miscues have hurt the Lions. Last week in their 24-23 loss to Itawamba, the Lions *(say HOW special teams hurt them last week, not just that they did.) This week, it was no different, as the special teams unit accounted for a missed field-goal, a blocked extra-point and a fumbled snap to go along with Craig Jr.'s kick return.

Now for the Simmons quote.

The story is good from here.

 

Here's a version that's a little easier to read.

SCOOBA — What took defending state and national champion East Mississippi Community College *(record?) an entire season to build, Copiah-Lincoln's Joe Craig, Jr. destroyed in a *mere 12 seconds Saturday at Sullivan-Windham Field.

Moments after an apparent game-winning touchdown by EMCC, with his team trailing, 46-41, and only 21.6 seconds to go, Craig fielded a kickoff and returned it 90 yards for a touchdown *(time of TD?) that gave the (No. X-ranked) Wolfpack the lead, 47-46, and ultimately the win over the (No. Y) Lions in the semifinal round of the *(League) playoffs.

Copiah-Lincoln (record) will now travel to play Mississippi Gulf Coast Community College (record) for the (League) state championship on Saturday.

“I told Darius Guy to let me get it,” Craig Jr. said. “They blocked good and gave me an ally on the sidelines, and I just took off. As soon as I saw the hole, I knew it was a touchdown, because the only guy down field was the kicker, and I knew he wasn't going to catch me.”

Craig, Jr.'s kick return TD came on what was supposed to have been a squib kick, according to EMCC head coach Buddy Stephens. Instead of bouncing along on the turf, however, *(John Doe's) kick went directly to Craig Jr., marking the second time in as many games that special teams miscues have hurt the Lions.

Last week in their 24-23 loss to Itawamba, the Lions *(say HOW special teams hurt them last week, not just that they did.) This week, it was no different, as the special teams unit accounted for a missed field-goal, a blocked extra-point and a fumbled snap to go along with Craig Jr.'s kick return.

“We should have just kicked it deep to him, maybe it wouldn't have been as easy,” EMCC head coach Buddy Stephens said. “It was a squib kick that never bounced. We haven't had a kick run back on us all season, and it was just unfortunate.”

The Lions led the Wolfpack 40-28 with 8:45 left in the fourth quarter, following a touchdown from Rodriguez Moore. However, Co-Lin answered back on a 10-play drive, ending on a touchdown pass from Chandler Rogers to Christian Keene to make the score 40-35.

After forcing the Lions to a three-and-out on the ensuing drive, Co-Lin was dealt a break, as EMCC fumbled the punt to give the Wolfpack the ball at the EMCC 22-yard line.

The next play, Wolfpack running back Darius Guy made the Lions pay, running straight through the EMCC defense to put Co-Lin up 41-40 after a failed two-point conversion.

Lion quarterback Quez Johnson would rally EMCC back, however, marching the Lions 75 yards on 10 plays including a 10-yard touchdown run to put the Lions up 46-41 with 21.6 seconds left.

“It's a tough loss because our kids did come back and play really hard,” Stephens said. “It's hard for the players, it's hard for the coaches, it's hard for everybody. It's tough, because we have the most talent in the state, and we will be watching the championship game from home.”

Johnson finished the night 39-of-55 for 412 yards and two touchdowns. After the ensuing kickoff return for a touchdown, the Lions would get the ball back with three seconds and a chance to score. However, a last minute Hail Marry pass was swatted down by a Co-Lin defender to end the game.

(Reiterate next week's state title gme by saying time and place of game here.)

 

Thank you, I found this really helpful.

 

Loved the lead, btw. Great idea. Just reinforce it with some numbers.

 

Why the crap would you put the record in a parenthetical in the first graph?