Support Clubber Slang's Cut-starter campaign to buy Clubber Lang's boxing robe

Nah, that was Rick Rude.

 

Some people thought the Beach Boys' 2012 reunion tour was a good idea, too.

 

Oh hell, dare I dream of Sandy returning? Knickfan?

 

Just in case you were thinking this robe might not be the real deal, this line is in the auction listing for peace of mind and whatnot. (And it made me laugh.)

 

CLUBBER SLANG PRESENTS: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF HOCKEYBEAT

11:47 a.m. (EST) -- wakes up in his usual puddle of urine on his spongebob squarepants sheets.
11:48 a.m. -- logs on to SportsJournalists.com, to see what clubber has said about him now.
11:50 a.m. -- cries.
11:55 a.m. -- replies to clubber: "i'm through with you. i don't care if you live or die."
11:56 a.m. -- starts yelling at his clubber voodoo doll, sticking pins in it and putting tape over its mouth.
11:58 a.m. -- celebrates by rubbing one out
11:59 a.m. -- cleans up mess as mama hockeybeat yells at him to get off his ass.
12:03 p.m. -- jumps in his sesame street bubble bath and plays with his boats.
12:22 p.m. -- eats rice krispies and takes flintstone vitamins
12:46 p.m. -- grabs his lunch mama hockeybeat made for him and runs off to his "part-time job at an NYC daily."
12:48 p.m.-- realize his bike has a flat tire, asks mom for a ride to "work."
12:58 p.m. -- arrives at work two minutes early, ready to start his day.
1:03 p.m. -- grabs his stack of newspapers and begins work, stands on street corner, selling copies of the paper.
1:10 p.m. -- frustrated that no one is buying his newspapers, cries again.
1:14 p.m. -- recovers and calls sports department of newspaper, asking if they need any help covering a game. is told by agate clerk, "ya buddy, keep covering those youth hockey games, we're gonna run 'em as a series."
1:17 p.m. -- goes back to street corner smiling. "that'll show mizzougrad and clubber."
2:03 p.m. -- sells second paper of the day.
2:14 p.m. -- rehearses telephone manner for long-awaited call to sportswriter
2:30 p.m. -- car drives by and someone throws frozen lemons at him.
2:32 p.m. -- cries
2:37 p.m. -- grabs pocket radio, listens to sports talk radio. yells back at callers, calling them "dicks."
2:38 p.m. -- passerby thinks he has tourrette's.
2:58 p.m. -- hears something funny on radio, writes it down. "i'll get clubber with this one."
3:30 p.m.-- mama hockeybeat picks him up after his hard day of work. "i remember working on that same corner," she says. "oh," hockeybeat answers, "you used to sell papers, too, mom?" "no," she replies, "we'll have to save that story for another day, son."
3:42 p.m. --- arrives home, goes right to porn stash. finds porn mags missing. yells, "mom, did you borrow my porn again?" mama answers, "hockeybeat, you're 25, you really should get laid."
3:46 p.m. -- begins to fantasize about sportswriter
3:52 p.m. -- checks out sports web sites, cuts and pastes stories onto SportsJournalists.com message board. "this will help me get to 2,000 posts sooner."
3:53 p.m. -- surfs SportsJournalists.com, finds someone making fun of clubber, prints it out and shows him mom, then hangs it on the fridge.
3:54 p.m. -- begins to tell mama hockeybeat about his best friend, his double play partner, BitterYoungHack. goes on about how great bitteryounghack is and how funny he is and how much he likes him.
4:12 p.m. -- picks up the phone, like everyday, and begins to dial sportswriter's phone numbers. gets to the lastnumber and hangs up.
4:13 p.m. -- cries.
4:34 p.m. -- goes onto SportsJournalists.com and starts making fun of cubs and others, dropping f-bombs left and right to make himself feel more like a man.
4:49 p.m. -- sends sportswriter a private message, copy and pasted song lyrics.
4:52 p.m. -- continues work on his 2,000-post celebration news story. "people are really going to like me once I get to 2,000 posts"
5 p.m. -- watches old barney tapes
6 p.m. -- notices another urine puddle on bed.
6:13 p.m. -- eats dinner.
6:45 p.m. -- goes to cover youth hockey game.
7:59 p.m. -- post game interviews. asks gripping questions such as: "so coach, great game tonight ..." "just taking it one game at a time, huh?" "what was the difference tonight?"
8:13 p.m. -- begins work on 12" story.
9:13 p.m. -- finishes lead.
10:56 p.m. -- finishes story. "if i only had a job, i would win an APSE for this one."
11:45 p.m. -- picks up the phone again and begins to dial sportswriter's phone numbers. gets to the last number and hangs up.
12:02 a.m. -- goes back to SportsJournalists.com, makes about 10 posts on random subjects.
12:13 a.m. -- sees comment from Clubber. covers ears and yells for five minutes.
12:18 a.m. -- grabs baseball bat and starts beating his pillows with it. yelling "leave me along clubber, i hate you, i hate you so much."
12:34 a.m. -- PMs BitterYoungHack and sportswriter to complain how he wishes clubber would die.
12:55 a.m. -- responds to clubber: "i'm through with you. i don't care if you live or die."
1:12 a.m. -- throws clubber voodoo doll against the wall.
1:25 a.m. -- PMs sportswriter, "i like you a lot. i just like to take it slow."
1:30 a.m. -- fantasizes more about sportswriter. falls asleep, clutching his teddy bear and begins to wet himself again.

 

Hockeybeat get a real job yet? He got any money for the Cutstarter?

 

If we're having a reunion, it should be on a Monday.

 

Hi Sandy!

 

What's Marcus Fizer up to these days?

 

Clubber and 21 both back ... things are looking up.

 

Not until this guy returns.

 

Next up: Care Bear and IJAG