Grandparents trying to buy grandkids' affection

She is also your mother, and although you are an adult now, she is deserving of respect and consideration.

I think some of it has to do with the level of excessive gift-giving. Spending $700 a week on a grandchild multiple times per year is crazy.
And if it were my mother on a fixed income, I'd be concerned about her ability to afford such extravagance.
However, $700 in a week for a grandchild she sees once a year might not be as crazy if she is very comfortable in retirement. I think that depends on her circumstances.
Still seems like a lot to me, and it would bother me, but I'm frugal. I look forward to our children getting old enough to think of me as cheap.

Xmas and birthdays are one thing, and year-round lavishing of gifts is another.

I'd also say the notion of a child calling a grandparent and asking for things seems out of bounds to me. It's one thing for grandma to ask a child what he/she would like for Xmas/birthday.
It's quite another for a child to call grandma and ask for something unprompted. In that case, I would ask my mother to inform me when such a thing occurred, and we'd address that at home.

The cell phone thing also seems out of bounds. If the parents have determined a child is too young for a cell phone or tablet - or a BB gun or pocket knife or a laptop or his/her own TV - the grandparents should respect that.

 

Mmmmmm....

 

Rather than fighting the gifts, concentrate on making sure your child appreciates them. And maybe don't look upon as them trying to buy their grandchild's affection; I'm sure they have her affection. They just want her to be happy. They want to see her smile. It makes their world.

Their defensiveness when you bring it up ... well, that's a different story and something you need to deal with differently. If you need to bring it up.

Of course, that's a doting grandfather's opinion. And yes, when my granddaughter gets one of those ear-to-ear smiles, I melt all over the place.

 

My wife and I fight this same battle, only it's with my sister-in-law. She lives two minutes away, so we see her at least four days a week, probably more. And damn near every time she has something to give my kids. It's downright infuriating and has reached a level of being completely disrespectful.

Frankly, we don't have enough space for all the crap she gives them, whether it's clothes or toys. My SIL tries to say that we can "just give her back" anything we don't want, but when we do, she literally gets mad at my wife. My wife tries to keep the peace and eventually accepts some or all of whatever was given.

The worst part is that SIL doesn't ask what the kids like, or what kind of clothing styles my wife and I prefer for them. She gets them stuff that SHE likes and don't make any sense for our kids and then gets upset if they don't use them, or if we don't like them.

As others have mentioned, we're really trying to teach our kids not to be entitled, materialistic assholes and this makes it more difficult. My wife and I both grew up with a lot less than our kids will grow up with, so we're trying hard to keep them grounded and let them know that having "stuff" isn't what makes for happiness.

I've already flat-out told my SIL that I don't want her to give my daughter any American Girl dolls. They make me want to puke. They are sheer materialistic bullshit that teach kids who can and can't afford "the good dolls." First Christmas present she gave my daughter was a Bitty Baby, which unbeknownst to me is basically just a baby American Girl doll. These stupid little dolls cost $60! $60!

I don't want to bear the cost of my daughter wanting these dolls and their accessories, nor do I want her to think it's OK to spend that much money on dolls. It's ridiculous.

I've largely let my wife handle this stuff, but things are getting out of hand with my SIL. Pretty soon, it's going to come to a head and it's not going to go well, but she needs to learn her place when it comes to my kids.

 

At some point you have to put your foot down, my brother was in a similar situation with his Filipino in-laws. He has two girls and not only were the presents excessive but when it was one girl's birthday, the other one would get as much. He just had to be the bad guy and say to stop.

As for people buying gifts for kids that they don't need, one strategy is to ask the giver to donate to a charity in the child's name. They can even decide with the child. Whether it donating to animal upkeep at the local zoo (think helping Simba) or picking out a toy to give to a neediest fund. It teaches the child a good lesson plus the adult feels like they are doing something special with the child.

 

I'm in the camp of letting the grandparents spoil the kids. It's the parents' job to counter-balance and discuss limits with the children. The grandparents won't be around forever, and even if they are in the picture for a long time, they themselves will eventually realize that the kids are not appreciating their efforts at gift-giving, and will probably stop, or downsize the habit, on their own.

Giving to charity in a child's name is a great idea in theory, but it's probably kind of a one-time thing and wouldn't last beyond that special occasion. People -- even grandparents -- are not THAT generous. There is, indeed, a showy aspect to gift-giving, sometimes, that would be lost, right along with all the appeal.

 

Wound up snapping at SIL tonight when she gave my kids gifts for my wife's birthday. This is a week after she gave them gifts for her daughter's birthday. It's not their birthday! Argh!

 

You dumbass. Tell the SIL your kids love Scotch.

 

This. My grandparents were generous enough to start squirreling away money for my education (especially when it became apparent that I got the lion's share of brains in the family) so that I barely had to take out student loans for my first degree and I got a nice trip to Europe in high school. I am forever grateful to them, even though it may have meant that I didn't get as "nice" of gifts from them. Now, since I clearly am in no hurry to provide my parents with grandchildren of their own (and I'm an only child), my parents are doing the same for my cousin's two kids.

 

That's brilliant.