Alcoholic Wife. The breaking point.

Anyone here been through an experience with an alcoholic wife?

How did you proceed? Intervention? Kicking her out?

We've had a handful of incidents the last three years and finally it has really a horrible place.

- She was nearly arrested in Las Vegas for throwing up on a blackjack table three years ago. Drunk. Security called me to get her.

- Numerous lower level incidents of home drunkenness since. She consumed between 500-600 bottles of wine in 2016. She's also drunk called many of my family members at night (while I've been sleeping), leading to me answering questions/making excuses later about her behavior.

- Got so blackout drunk at home three months ago that she stumbled in the garage, broke her wine bottle on her foot. I woke from her thud and found her bleeding. She required 11 stitches on her leg. I think she might have bled out had I not found her passed out.

- Two nights ago, got so drunk that she was stumbling around, falling over. Told both kids (early teens) that we are getting divorced - yes, she decided to have "the talk" with the kids without even telling me! They spent all night crying and then the police showed up at 1 am. Apparently, she made threats of harming herself to her girlfriend and her friend (certified bi-polar) then called the police. I kept the officers out of the house by reasonably confirming everyone was alive.

I told her on Monday that she had seven days to make plans for formal alcohol treatment. An intervention could be one route but I find that to be forced. I'd rather have her so in discreetly where she feels like it's her choice. Could be in-patient. Could be AA. It has to be something.

On day two of being sober, the withdrawal is clearly getting to her. She's snappy, angry and decided to give me more chore lists. "If I'm giving up one thing, I may as well give up doing housework, too."

Has anyone else here worked through substance abuse with a spouse? It clouds everything. The kids and I have been walking on eggshells around her for three years now.

Thanks, all.

 

ex,

AA isn't for everyone. You might want to look into Smart Recovery which is science-based (and has only four steps, not twelve).

They also have family and friends meetings, similar to Al-Anon, that could be very useful to you and your kids.

They have lots of online resources, face to face meetings in most metro areas, and online meetings.

If interested, shoot me a PM. I can pass more info by email.

Best wishes, hang in there.
VB

 

Sorry you have to go through this, ex.

A few suggestions, but keep in mind this comes from someone who was once in your wife's shoes, not yours:

-- If the treatment was not her idea, it likely won't work.
-- Her comment about the housework also indicates to me that she resents having to give up booze. That also means treatment likely won't work.
-- If you threaten to kick her out, or take the kids and leave, be prepared to have to follow through.
-- And, be prepared for the hurt in case she chooses booze over you and the kids, at least initially.
-- An intervention is counterproductive and often serves only to exacerbate the underlying issues, IMO.

If you don't mind answering, how old is she? How long have you been married? Is this a symptom of your impending divorce or is it a longer-running issue?

 

If she has been putting down a bottle and a half of wine a day, she could need in-patient to deal with physical withdrawal issues.

 

Mid 40s.
20 years.

There's a lot there...
I've written about the messed up issues in my extended family here. Father in prison for molesting all of his grandchildren (except for ours because I never left him alone with them). Also learned I had a different biological father due to an affair. That was two years ago.

A close friend also dropped dead six weeks ago of a heart attack. Same age range.

Still the drinking was an issue before all of this. The events have accelerated it as she is claiming a victimhood on the molestations that really aren't hers to claim. I was never close to my father (as outlined in a World Series thread from 2014).

Thank you to all for the responses. I'm befuddled as to how to proceed. We don't have any immediate family within 300 miles but my mother is willing to move to town to help me with custody should it get to that.

 

Ex,

The first and foremost issue to take care of is not her, but of yourself and children. Like MC said, she might be very resistant to change, but if she sees you and the kids going to self help meetings and leading by example, maybe she will follow suit in due time.

VB

 

I have two friends, one male and one female, who had alcoholic spouses. Both kicked the spouse out and eventually divorced. Both needed to get the spouse away from the children for safety reasons.

The ex-husband of my female friend could not quit drinking, even when it was the only way to get on the liver transplant list. The male friend doesn't talk about his ex.

From my own experience with a family member, interventions did not work. We had to watch this person's life disintegrate until he agreed to treatment. It also took a few times to take but it eventually did. There was a happy ending to this story.

The process of watching my family member hit bottom took a huge toll on everyone. Be prepared, for yourself and your children, if you have to go this route.

 

Sorry to hear this Ex. I wasn't married, but I dealt with similar issues with my ex-fiancee. I finally left her in 2011 when I told her point blank, you need to choose me or booze, to which she replied, "Fuck you." She had a young daughter, whom I adored, from a previous marriage, which made it more difficult, but it had to be done (thankfully her dad was still in the picture to protect her). There's a whole lot more to the story (including her violent behavior), but I won't drag things down here. Suffice it to say, she was drinking at least a box of wine a day (equivalent to three bottles) and I'm aware through the grapevine that she's still drinking heavily today, six years later.

The bottom line is you need to think about the safety of your children and your own sanity. Your kids are old enough to protect themselves physically, but alcoholism can leave lasting emotional damage, so they're still at risk. Also, I'm a little unclear from the original post, were you two already planning a divorce and she told the kids, or did she tell the kids you were getting divorced out of the blue?

The fact you came here to ask for advice suggests to me that you've probably already come to your own conclusion about what needs to be done and you're hoping that some of the experiences others have had can confirm what you're feeling.

As others have said, the level of alcohol in her system may demand an in-patient rehab stint, but even that is no guarantee of success. It really does have to be her choice and if she doesn't have a true desire to stop drinking, she won't. She may stop for awhile and then start up again. She may not stop at all.

Alcoholism is a hell of a thing. It's affected more people I know than anything else - more than cancer, heart disease, whatever. I'm happy to talk more via PM if it suits you.

One other piece of advice - if you haven't already, start documenting immediately how much/often she drinks and any episodes of poor behavior (liquor store receipts, video of her intoxicated, etc). It sounds like your kids are old enough to decide where they would want to stay if you two get divorced so it may not be necessary for custody, but you may need evidence of her drinking during the legal process. It can be difficult to prove once you are separated, so make sure you gather evidence now in case you need it.

 

I am a journalist. Documentation is already pretty steep and detailed. I have receipts, now a police report, texts, an ER visit, pictures of that night. I'll use it if I have to.

We don't talk divorce when she's sober. When she is drunk, she often talks about it. This time she told the kids and I'm livid about that.

I truly don't know the outcome I want. Here's the crummy part. If she turns into the wife of 1999 (not physical but the person I fell in love with), great. If it's the person from the last 15 years, sober or not, it won't matter. Not attractive to be around.

 

I have nothing to add except I'm sorry that you and your kids are going through this.

 

Be honest with yourself. That person from 1999 is gone. Protect your kids, she has to hit what she believes to be rock-bottom before there is anything that she will do to change.

 

I'm sorry for this, ex. I can't imagine the stress.

I have no advice on the addiction front, but just to reiterate: document everything. Keep records, texts, a detailed journal with dates and times. You sound like you're on top of this, but fight to stay in that journalist mode, and be the reporter of your own life. I know you probably still love your wife, but right now you need to think about your kids and how to protect them. Imagine if you got divorced and she got traditional shared custody, week on, week off. For that week the kids are with her, you'll be in hell. You need to get full custody, and because you're the father, not the mother, and because there are still some weird stereotypes about that, you will need to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that she is unfit, at least right now. In Canada, at least, the courts start taking the children's wishes into account once they turn 12, but they don't have to listen to the kids. Don't leave that shit to chance, a bad judge on a bad day.