Alcoholic Wife. The breaking point.

Same here. I was going back even further to the pre-hard-drinking me. I was an innocent, rosy-cheeked delight.

 

Ex, I'm deeply sorry to hear you're having this problem. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you and your teens must be going through.

Although my situation is a bit unique in that I hold command authority over my Soldiers in order to preserve discipline and safety within the unit and can officially direct them into treatment, I will agree with what someone above said: the treatment will absolutely not work if she doesn't have buy-in. Most of my soldiers with alcohol problems have been far younger and dealt with some other issues, like immaturity, lack of education, and lengthy stints away from spouses with the same problem. Having dealt with at least 10 Soldiers with alcohol abuse issues -- only one as serious as it sounds your wife has -- I've experienced about a 50 percent success rate with in-patient treatment. It's insanely expensive, and I'm not sure if your insurance covers it, but be prepared for that. Like someone said earlier, if she drinks as much as you've said, she absolutely needs in-patient medical treatment to deal with the symptoms she has.

The only other advice I have -- and this is coming from an Army dude with a sometimes very directive personality, so take it with a grain of salt -- I think you have to give her the ultimatum, man. That much alcohol, teenagers, police, hospital trips, you can't live with that and appropriately raise children.

God bless you and good luck. We're here for you if you need us.

 

I know a guy who is going through the same thing. His wife had an awful drinking problem, couldn't keep a job, was no mother to their two kids and took a tumble down the stairs one day that left her in such bad shape the paramedics called the cops just to make sure it wasn't a domestic. He said he often thought of divorce but figured it would be ugly and costly and as he said more than a few times, "Eventually she will drink herself to death." Spoke to him over the holidays and his wife got the help she needed and has been sober for a year, it's a start but there is a long, long way to go.

 

My ex actually got mad at me when she found out I got clean. Like, maybe it would've worked out between us if I'd just woken up sooner.

She didn't give a single thought to all of the other factors that tore us apart. Just the one that would make it entirely my fault.

 

Ex, man, I'm sorry as hell you're going through this. Take things one day at a time, and above all else keep those children safe. Let me say that again: Above all else, the children. There comes a point where she will have to take care of herself. You need to take care of those kids. Even teenagers are still kids, and they need you now more than ever. Whenever you're faced with a decision matrix, at this point, children come first.

All the best. Sending good thoughts.

 

Man, I'm sorry. Saw a post from you the other day about separate vacations that made me wonder, but did not want to pry.

You need to start consulting lawyers, plural. Talk to the best divorce attorneys you can find in your state, as many as you can cram in. If you've discussed the case with them first, ordinarily that prevents them from becoming her counsel later.

Even if you don't think you want a divorce, you have to start protecting yourself and your kids. Family law is unfortunately biased against fathers, but it also tends to have a bit of bias favoring first movers. If she doesn't agree to seek treatment and quit drinking like right the fuck now, you need to kick her out of the house. If you decide you absolutely must leave, the kids need to come with you, and to properly accomplish that you need a protective order from a judge. Especially if you have documented her out of control drinking well, you may be able to get an ex parte order, which gets the kids away from her before a hearing. I cringe even recommending that, because one was used (falsely) against me and it was well over a year before I got it fully overturned, but that's what it is there for, to protect people in an emergency. And that level of alcoholism is an emergency. You will have to take decisive action by the end of the week. This can't stand.

Sorry brother. I will say times and threads like this are when this board is at its absolute best.

 

Sorry to hear this Ex. I would not wish those experiences on anyone. I know many say this, but you two did make some beautiful children together, hang on to that. I have not had to deal with what you have. Best to you and your kids. On the lawyer front, my advice is just make sure you feel comfortable with who you select; if you have any uncertainty, talk to someone else just to make sure.

 

Sorry to hear about all this.

The others have offered better advice than I ever could, but I will say this: Have an honest conversation/open dialogue with your children. They need your support more than you know.

I lost my entire childhood to parents who were heavy alcoholics and dealt with all the blowback - car accidents, cops visiting, midnight fights, self-harm, you name it. It was unpleasant.

Make sure they know they have an ally. Heck, if they're anything like I was, you'd be surprised how much they know and understand, even if it makes home life awful.

 

Letting her get arrested wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen to her. That's what it finally took to get me to quit drinking. After she bailed me out of jail after I was arrested for DUI (I got nabbed at a sobriety checkpoint), my wife gave me an ultimatum, if I ever come home smelling of alcohol again, she would leave me. Now, I wasn't where ex's wife is; I wasn't a classic alcoholic in that I didn't need a fix of booze every single day, but when I did drink, I drank a lot, 10-12 beers in a 2-3 hour period after work, and more than that in a party setting. And the scary part was, that much beer really didn't affect me much and I "felt" OK to drive home, even though legally I was smashed. Fortunately, my employer went to bat for me. They had an EAP program that paid for outpatient rehab, which I did, then I did a year of AA before dropping out. I just felt it wasn't helping. Something must have clicked, though, because it's been 12 years, 9 months and 24 days since my last drink.

To the OP, I will concur with what others have said; you have to do what you must to protect yourself and the kids from your wife's destructive behavior, and if that means seeing her go to jail, then that's what it takes. Good luck.

 

I can't thank all of you properly for your words here. They've brought a lot of comfort in this journey I've been thrown into. More than any of you will ever know. Thank you.

A reason I'm reaching out here is the anonymity but also that all of you in the business (past or present) understand the extra layer of pressure, too. Odd hours, high stress, etc.

I have three close friends in town. Two are divorce lawyers. Imagine that. Both of them said her drunken ER trip pretty much won me primary custody and that my extended documentation of her incidents - combined with my parenting and involvement - should, SHOULD suffice. Each said my mother moving nearby to be a presence in the times I'm at work for the kids would clinch it. She's willing to do it, if needed.

I do want my wife to have grace and dignity throughout this, even if she chooses alcohol over me. We did create two pretty high-end children, academically and socially. They're wonderful young people stuck in the middle of this. I don't my wife humiliated or to become the subject of any gossip where we live.

Some of know that I'm on the TV side of journalism which brings its own issue. I'm not anonymous in the city I live in. If I'm going to a divorce attorney's office or even family counseling, someone will likely spot me. Not whining -- it's the business I've chosen and one I love. Just why I need extra caution.

While a public intox arrest for her may help my overall case, it would be very bad for my career strictly as guilt by association. I had to fight three years to keep my "father's" horrific crimes and prison sentence out of the press and that has been successful.

Wife may or may not have hit rock bottom. That's what concerns me the most. All the years she was angry without justification, I knew the pattern and the "wait times" until normalcy returned. When she's intoxicated, she just throws verbal bombs, the children get scared and cry and each episode gets more needlessly dramatic than the one before.

Thank you all again. Really.

 

It's all good Ex. This is a hell of a community, helping each other through the day-to-day stresses of the job, from soccer parents to extra inning games that just .. won't ... end, but shit like this.

Can't add much more to what's been said here. Never been through anything like this, but as I continue to emerge from the fallout of a disastrous relationship that's cost me plenty personally and financially, can only add make sure to take care of yourself. We're a click away here always, but don't be afraid to reach out to family, friends and even get professional help if you feel the need.

 

I've not seen alcoholism up close and personal, but I have been near it. Alcoholism -- any substance dependency, really -- is just a strange thing to me. My wife's older sister, now in her mid-60s, has spent about 10 years in various homes in spots on the map in South Carolina as a result of her addiction. She drank herself out of a job, then out of her home, then out of what little health she had left (during one episode she fell, broke her hip, and then lay there for a day or so before anyone could gather enough wits to see to her).

At her home, most of the residents are far older and far more compromised mentally and physically. She has her own room, but no phone, no internet ... just four walls, a bed, and whatever books or puzzles her siblings have sent her. My wife and her brother and other sister do what they can, but there's only so much they can do.

My sister-in-law is free to leave, she just has nowhere to go nor any means of getting there. A year or so ago one of her oldest and dearest friends came by for an afternoon visit. This friend took her out to lunch ... and then they sat in the parking lot and split a 12-pack. I cannot get my head around that.




*Sure you haven't, they say.