Your favorite singular post on SJ

Mine would be a close race between the Jose Bautista bat-flip reply on the Original La-z-Boy post from @exmediahack , or @Batman Vin Scully post.

Scully is probably the funniest thing I've ever read on this site.

 

Fnord.

 

Vin in Vegas with Angie the hooker and Jose Madrigal would be it for me. A complete masterpiece.

 

You're shitting me right?

 

Queef. Poot.

 

"Now stepping up to the plate is Carlos Beltran. He's 0-for-2 tonight. He walked back in the third inning ... Carlos reminds me of Jose Madrigas. He was a bouncer at the Sands back around 1965, but he also did some pimping on the side. There's ball one to Beltran.
"Jose Madrigas, there was a guy who knew how to keep a woman in line. I once saw a hooker mouthing off to him. Jose slapped her so hard it stopped her dead in her tracks. Time froze while we all just took in the scene (pause) Kershaw delivers wide, ball two. Cardinals lead 3-2, we're in the eighth inning.

"So Angie, I think her name was, immediately stops mouthing off. Jose knew he had to set an example, so he smacked her again. Harder this time. Beltran takes a deep cut and fouls one straight back. 2-1 is the count. Don't forget about Free Dodger Cap night Saturday at the ballpark. Free Dodger baseball caps to all fans 14 and under. It's a great time for the whole family.
"Anyway, getting back to Jose Madrigas. He had actually spent some time in the Reds organization in the late 1950s before he hurt his knee. Back in those days, medicine wasn't what it is today. Jose was a strapping right fielder, but he just couldn't run very well after that. So he quit baseball, moved out west and settled into his job at the Sands. He once hit 23 homers in a season for Louisville. He kept that sweet uppercut swing the rest of his life ... as Beltran looks at a curve for strike two ...

"So when Angie mouthed off and Jose hit her, there was no going back. He always kept a baseball bat under the bar. He pulled it out and took one of those sweet uppercut swings under Angie's chin. Knocked five of her teeth out right away. Then he started whaling on her ... as Beltran whales on one DEEP down the right field line, but it ... will hook ... foul. Just foul, a few feet to the right of the pole in the corner. The count remains 2 balls and 2 strikes as Kershaw breathes a deep sigh of relief.
"(long pause) ... So I saw Jose Madrigas bash this poor girl's head in, and he just looked at me like I was next. I tried to inch toward the door, but Jose cut me off and told me I was part of this. Kershaw steps off the rubber. 2-2 the count, Cardinals lead 3-2 in the top of the eighth. Carlos Beltran is your batter, with Matt Holliday on deck. Brandon League warming up in the bullpen for the Dodgers.

"So me and Jose (Vin chuckles), we got a tarp from one of the storage rooms. We put it in the trunk of his car and drove about FIFTY miles out into the hot desert night. Must've driven an hour. Heard some great Sinatra tunes along the way. I was SCARED to death, but Jose seemed quite calm. Beltran fouls another one off to stay alive.
"We get all the way out past Henderson, Nevada, find a nice quiet spot in the desert to bury Angie. We open the trunk, and only then do we realize neither one of us had packed a shovel. Jose thought I did it. I thought Jose did it. And there's poor Angie, dead as a doornail on a tarp in the desert, half her face gone. It kind of looks like a ghastly smile, with her teeth missing ... Kershaw JUUUSSSTTT misses with a slider to run the count full. 3-2 now, two outs, top of the eighth. Cardinals leading 3-2. Carlos Beltran your batter. He's hitting .375 in his last six games. Definitely someone you want up in this situation.
"(long pause) ... Beltran fouls yet another one off. Tough slider there. Still a 3-and-2 count ... Angie was smiling this dead smile, and me and Jose had no shovel! So we both started laughing in the desert moonlight, and somewhere ... somewhere I think Angie was laughing with us. We ended up burying her with a beer glass and a cup from a diner we had stopped at along the way.

"Beltran swings and skies one to center. Victorino settles under it, squeezes it, and the Dodgers are out of the inning. No runs, a hit, no errors for the Cardinals in the eighth. Matt Kemp will lead it off for the Dodgers in the bottom half ... when we return."

 

And there I go laughing my ass off again having read it for probably the 50th time. Jose whaling on Angie, Beltran whaling on a Kershaw pitch....Cap night, great for the whole family. Genius.

 

There was a post with the description of a "box of chopped assholes" that made me laugh.

There are 100 "all-time SJ posts" but that box of chopped assholes hit the mark in the moment.

It's what I remember most in 17 years here.

 

Another one was when Boots said he was taking his "neighbor" to Nassau for the weekend for a sunny Bahamas romp in the hay.

I checked the weather ... and the forecast that weekend called for 44 and cloudy lol.

 

Glad y'all enjoyed Dark Vin Scully.
There have been calls for sequels over the years, and I did do one, but I'm always afraid of tarnishing the legacy of that original.

 

I have a handful of posts saved from the 16(!) years I've been here. At the risk of sounding earnest, I think this from Double Down might be the best of them. Not sure if the original still exists or was lost in the Great Forgetting, but here's the text:

 

As a small aside, DD wrote the Best American Sports Story in 2014 but got fucked by basw.