Family Ties- unraveling thereof

Just got off the phone with my mother, whose Alzheimers path seems to have accelerated. She lives, in her home, with my neer-do-well sister, X. My mother tells me that there is some strange woman in the house claiming she's X. I gently correct her.

Mother: "So you say she is X."

Me: "Yes, she is X."

"Well, where is X?"

"Right there, that's her."

"Don't you think I need to go on home and get my things, though?"

"No, you are home."

"But where's X?"

 

sorry to hear about that. Unfortunately, it doesn’t get any easier. Sending you strength.

 

You couldn't manage some vodka?

 

I’m close to my kids.

I’m in touch with a former brother in law. That’s it. I don’t know if any of my brothers talk amongst themselves; I think two do, occasionally.

It’s a little bleak because I’m 50 now and it’s not like it’s going to change. I don’t really care but I wish the kids had more sense of family on my side.

 

My theory regarding the closeness of families is that, in the ones that are that way, there is usually a lynch-pin -- someone who, more obviously than others, really keeps things, and the people, together. In our family, that's my mom, the product of first-generation Italian parents who were both part of large, loving families who nonetheless had severe, somewhat unique struggles while growing up.

My mom and dad went on to have their own large family, but my father passed away 12 years ago, and my mom is getting older. We kids sometimes wonder what will happen, and how well we will keep together, and really keep in touch, if and when she passes away. Like Driftwood's family, ours has always had a certain clannishness about it, and we've stayed pretty close, both geographically (for the most part) and emotionally. Holidays are a big deal, and family gatherings have tended, until this year, to be loud, crowded get-togethers that we enjoy with each other and various aunts, uncles and next-generation cousins who know each other well and always welcome opportunities to see each other.

We've always known, and felt, that we could go home again, too. In fact, several of us did it, even as adults, at various points over the years. "The blue room" -- so designated because of a blue-and-white quilt on the bed and some other predominantly blue accents there -- in my mom's house has long been a place of sanctuary: for me for a while during some long-term work struggles, for one brother briefly when he went through some marital problems, for a sister when she was between rentals, and for another brother once when he was struggling with some personal and health issues. A couple of us have also rented rooms in the houses of other siblings for a time, so we're generally there for each other, and happy to be so.

We just hope things remain the same, as much as possible, in that respect if/when our mom is no longer here.

 

Still close with my brothers, but we live so far apart (the PNW, upstate NY, South Florida until recently) we don't get together very often. That has changed with the death of my parents in the last two years, though, and we've made it a point to stay in closer contact and get together more often.

Strangely enough, the death of my parents has enabled my son to get much closer to his first cousins on my side, via whatsap, which served as an information center when my parents were close to death; a family reunion trip to Europe for his oldest cousin's wedding, etc. He's younger than them by at least 5-6 years and didn't have much contact with them growing up since we lived so far away and because my parents left WNY, the home base for summer family reunions, when he was very young.

 

I have no cousins on my mother's side, but 20+ on my father's side. As is usually the case in such, the spread in age across the cousins is pretty large ... I'm something of a contemporary to some of the children of my cousins. Still, those of us in the last "wave," we still maintain at least a cursory bond.

As I've been dealing with my mother etc. these past couple of years, it's been nice reconnecting with one particular cousin. His immediately family blew up when his father divorced his mother (my father's younger sister), and he's had other immediate family issues of his own (space limitations prevent my detailing them). I've drunk a beer here and there with him and it's clear he's been kinda on an island. My wife, TFDQ and I saw him and his wife in the fall, and when we left, the hug he gave me ...

 

For anyone who followed along, when I first started posting on here, I didn't have a relationship with my mother, but I did with my two dads.

Now? I don't even talk to the Dads and I actually have a relationship with my mother.

I have some semblance of relationship with my cousins on Dad 2's side, but that's pretty much it. And I'm fine with that.

 

I am not close to my cousins at all. On my Mom's side, most of them live in the Pacific Northwest. Mom was born in a tiny town in Idaho but escaped to SoCal right after high school. A few years ago, one cousin tried to start a family letter with list of names and addresses for all of us. Write a letter about yourself and mail it to the next person on the list. That person writes a letter and sends both to the next person, etc. I was about third from the end, so I got a big envelope with a couple dozen letters.

Mom had 5 sisters. I made a grid, put the names of all 6 of the sisters across the top and asked everybody to fill in their names below of which one was their mom or grandma. That worked very well. I think I got the letter package 3 times then it died. One cousin contacted me and said he thought it died with me. I told him, no I sent it along. I think it died with another cousins widow, who was never really accepted by the PNW folks because she was Mexican. She was also the prettiest woman in our family. This cousin went into the Air Force and was stationed in Riverside. He stayed there after he left the service. The widow still lives there, but has little contact with any of us, especially after my Dad died.

 

When I wrote about my family on this thread, I actually completely forgot about my father's second wife, my two stepbrothers and stepsister. We haven't even heard from any of them since the unveiling of my father's tombstone 20 years ago. They are not missed.