Do Not Resuscitate *serious, please*

Damn hard when it follows parent's orders. I told the doctor today it feels less like my Mom is dying, and more like we're killing her. He explained the biology, I get it. But somehow it doesn't seem right that the ultimate death is dehydration. Has anyone experienced this?

 

I was with my mother, a longtime clinician and registered nurse, when my stepfather's heart stopped years ago while getting him to bed one night.

We had him around both shoulders when it occurred on the kitchen floor, so at least he didn't take a nasty header. A DNR was on file, but she went into CPR anyway.

Fortunately, his heart started back up thanks to Mother Nature. Still called 911 and followed the ambulance to ER and the hospital. My mother was fully aware the DNR was on file, and understood exactly what it is and why.

It's going against what you feel is the correct thing to do, it's going against natural instincts and calling it difficult doesn't begin to describe it. Watching something akin to what you're describing happening in slow motion is mentally agonizing. I'm sorry you're enduring this.

 

I just had a good friend struggle with her mother's slow, agonizing death from cancer in December. Her mother wasn't in pain near the end, but eventually refused to eat or drink and would drift in and out of consciousness until death finally came. My friend was in Portland while her mom was in Provo, so she listened over the phone to the final minutes.

Gwen's mother went that way, and she was home to be there. She said it's an incredibly helpless feeling. Her father died in his sleep on a Hawaiian vacation, which came as a huge surprise as we had just seen him lively and dancing at her brother's wedding three weeks earlier. I don't know which is "easier," to be honest. The loss of a beloved parent is something you can't never truly prepare for.

The people who work in Hospice care have my utmost respect. I can't imagine knowing every case to which you're assigned will end in sadness. But I'm glad they're there to help what we will all eventually have to go through. Birth, life, death.

I know I'll get that phone call some day. I've steeled myself to the possibility but have no idea how to handle the grief when it comes.

I can only send my thoughts and prayers.

 

My dad died last March of throat cancer. He had a DNR and he was on hospice care at the end. I handled it OK, but my mom and especially my sister wanted something to be done for him when he started to turn. My sister definitely wanted to get help in there for him. The hospice nurses where great on keeping everyone grounded. It's hard to let go. In the end, while you could tell his body was fighting a lot, he went peacefully.

In ways it is all natural. If you take away that dehydration it just prolongs the inevitable and likely adds more pain. Like I said, I know how hard it is but it is likely for the best for her and indeed what she wanted. Hope you find some comfort.

 

I have not had to experience this with anyone, and so, don't know what to say, or what I'd do, or what I'd be inclined to do. I think it might depend on the preceding issues, how long and how hard the fight has been, and, of course, what the person might have expressed that they wanted done, etc.

But I just wanted to let you know I've been reading, and thinking about this, and you.

 

I was living in Alabama when both of my parents died in Texas, so the brunt of that fell on my brothers. Still, I was there when my father was very badly off in the hospital and was the one who signed off on his DNR. Nothing easy about any of it.

OTOH, my wife's parent's both lived into their 90's, and over their last 18 months or so I was one of their primary caregivers. For a good part of that I wasn't working and basically split the week with my wife's older sister and her husband, three to four days a week. Watching them decline and eventually die was wrenching.

When an elder decides that they've had enough and turns their face to the wall, refusing food and drink, there isn't a whole lot you can do unless you are willing to install a feeding tube or something on that order. Put yourself in their shoes, and imagine that you have decided that it's time but you are being treated against your will.

I understand exactly what you are going through, and I am very sympathetic. All you can do is make the best decisions you can. Be compassionate. Respect their wishes as much as you can, within your own ethical framework. Understand that what may be right for you may not be for them, but always remember that for you to take care of them you also have to take care of you. I wish that there was something profound I could offer, something that would be truly useful. Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up over something that is becoming inevitable.

 

My mom and I have had many conversations about her wishes, far more than I would like. Both her mother and my father had long-term illnesses, so everything is down on paper.

In theory, that should make it easier. In reality, I'm probably in denial of the possibility of my mom dying someday.

I still remember Super Bowl Sunday several years ago when I got the call from a hospital about my grandmother being admitted by ambulance. I couldn't reach my mom, so I drove an hour in a panic -- completely unprepared even knowing everything was on paper, and that I had the paperwork in hand.

I have nothing but sympathy for you and anyone else who has had to make end-of-life choices. Perhaps you can take solace in the fact that you're fulfilling her final request.

 

Yes, with my mom in 2019. It's incredibly hard, just make sure she's not in pain.

 

It's hard. It'll never not be hard. I hope the suffering for you both is minimal.

 

When my grandmother died, the entire family was in the room when the doctor asked us if they wanted us to resuscitate her. It was a resounding NO from the entire room.

She had many strokes, including one while she was in the hospital that was preventing her from swallowing
Her husband of 60 years passed away two weeks before this (we all got very used to hospitals and funeral clothes there in early 1998)
She was 89 years old and had been slowly slipping away for five years

We did not want her to live any longer with the quality of life that would have been there. She would have had to be on a feeding tube had she lived. She wasn't even really all that there for the last few days. My parents could feel when it was very close and took me to one of the worst dinners I have ever had in my life, where we all ordered food that we basically stared at and when we got back to the hospital, she had passed.

But it wasn't all that sad. It was relief that she wasn't in pain. It was relief that she wouldn't be living in confusion or through a fog of dementia. We were glad that her passing was mostly painless and a pretty peaceful event, all things considered. And we were glad that she was reunited with my dear grandfather.

The love of this household goes out to the thread. It's never an easy thing.

 

Yep. Very true.

Don't skimp on, "I love you," "Thank you," and any family stories that bring smiles.

 

I have a relative whose wife, while she was in her late 30s, had an accident and ended up in a coma. She also had a car crash in her early 20s, was in a coma, woke up, and relatively recovered at that time.

For her second coma, the doctors were initially cautiously optimistic that she would pull through, but she ended up getting worse. After about 6 or 7 weeks, my relative was ready to pull the plug, so to speak, as his wife wasn’t getting better and complications kept arising. Her parents wanted to keep going because she had recovered from the earlier coma and thought that miracles strike twice.

I was worried it was going to turn into a Terri Schiavo situation, but they waited another week or two, and the parents finally were willing to accept that their daughter wasn’t going to make a second miracle comeback, and agreed to stop life support.

My relative and his family and her parents are civil to each other for the kids’ sakes, but I don’t think they do too many get togethers.