(Potentially running) thread: Help! My daughter is a tween and the Mean Girls Era has begun!

OK, forgive me for this, especially if someone has already done something like this over the last decade or so. But I can't vent about any of this on social media b/c my wife and I are friends with a bunch of our daughter's friends' parents on Facebook and one of my followers on Twitter is the Dad of one of her friends (and I know of at least one Mom of a friend who has an account for school stuff and might be able to figure me out by simply checking our school's follower list).

Thus, I come here to yell that every goddamn day is a Judy Blume book now for my nine-year-old fourth grader.

The long story short-ish is my wife and I have known almost from the jump that things would end badly for our daughter (whom I'll call BGH) and one of her best friends. This girl comes from a troubled home...parents live together but aren't married. Mom is a drama queen posting look-at-me screeds--many of which are about how everyone is bullying her daughter and how she will not be at our school next year--almost everyday on FB. And I just get a really aggressive, I-worry-what-happens-behind-closed-doors vibe from the Dad. I can't tell you how many times we made plans to do something on a weekend only to have the Mom cancel suddenly.

This girl can be awfully sweet (hugging me whenever I agree to let our daughter play after school and after I bought them ice cream at the park, wearing a mask at an indoor birthday party during winter break b/c BGH wears one, etc. ) but the warning signs have been there for a long time. She dressed up as a murderer for Halloween and seemed to enjoy it a little too much. She once showed BGH how she could squeeze her fingernails into her arm (the friend's arm, not BGH's) until it bled. She curses a lot (fucking fine by me, if I'm being honest). BGH said this girl trafficked (my term) in gossip, telling lies to girls about what other girls are saying about then, She was always aggressive, putting her friends in headlocks and "pretending" to stab them with pencils. I told my wife many times how I just sensed she would be a hellion by high school.

It all finally got to be too much this week for BGH and a newer friend when this girl told Classmate A she should no longer like Classmate B. BGH's newer friend asked how she'd like it if she told this girl that she had to choose between her and BGH. This girl said that would never happen, BGH would always choose her. The three girls sat apart for a little while after that before BGH joined her newer friend.

My wife and I notified the school administration and BGH's teachers about this girl's aggression and attempts to divide her classmates, as did her newer friend's parents. Each kid was spoken to individually and by late the next day, this girl's Mom had unfriended me and my wife. The Mom cornered me at a school function Thursday and said it was probably for the best if the girls weren't friends b/c BGH and her newer friend were excluding her daughter and giving her dirty looks. She said she had no idea why this happened, sometimes kids just grow apart. We traded perfectly fine texts throughout the night and she never acknowledged or even asked what I meant by her daughter being too aggressive. BGH insists she never gave her a dirty look and said she and her newer friend have been absorbing dirty looks from the other girl all week, including at the function Thursday. Meanwhile, the Mom of the newer friend said this troubled girl threatened to beat up her daughter earlier in the year before a detente was reached, but that she started lashing out once it became clear she and BGH were becoming close.

I knew shit like this would happen at some point, but I just sorta hoped it would wait until junior high. Our assistant principal said it's actually good it happened now, b/c teachers are better able to keep an eye on students now than in middle school. Still. It sucks, b/c not only were the girls close, but as is so often the case with elementary school-aged kids, there's a lot of cross pollination, for lack of a better word. BGH's oldest school friend is in a separate class but close with this girl and their Moms are tight. My wife called the latter's Mom to let her know BGH is having an issue w/an unidentified classmate and to tell her that anything her daughter hears from anyone re: BGH saying bad things about her isn't true. This particular Mom runs the PTA and is really good at keeping everyone involved and staying above the fray, and BGH is actually at her house right now. Still, hard not to worry about the summer. Will we be invited to the older friend's pool parties this year? What happens when the older friend has her birthday party?

I think I'm more bummed about this than my daughter, who insisted she was not going to engage in forgive and forget and that this girl had gone too far. I admire her for ripping off the band aid and everyone at the school has said they're really impressed with how BGH stood up for herself and handled a tough situation, even knowing there might be some fallout. It makes us feel like we are doing something right with her.

Still, it just sorta sucks, on a very basic level...a little more innocence evaporating for all of us. Even though they were only classmates twice, they were playmates dating back to kindergarten, when we randomly met them at the park and I exchanged numbers w/the Mom. Despite knowing it would end like this, I mostly enjoyed the company of the Mom and loved watching the kids play together. My phone is filled w/pictures of them...pictures the other Mom said would be great for the yearbook next year, when the girls finish elementary school. I guess those pics will stay on my phone.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, and anyone who's going thru the same thing (or went thru the same thing), please chime in as I seriously reconsider reading the Judy Blume library.

 

It sounds like your daughter has her head screwed on straight. I'm sorry your family has to deal with this nonsense.

Kids can be mean little shits, and it sounds like you had already diagnosed the parents.

I wish there were something that I could say that would be a help.

 

Sounds line you’ve got your head on straight. It’s just so hard with these friendship dynamics. We have a girl at our school who launched on to one particular friend who is manipulative as fuck and is the kind of kid we learned real quick to not trust. We’ve told that girl not to hang out with her. We’ve banned them from working together in class. We’ve talked with the girl’s parents and suggested they have a talk. For a time, the girl actually stayed away but had since gone back. There’s only so much we can do.

Just keep reminding her to make good choices and to let someone know if that girl does anything too weird. Glad the school is on board and will keep an eye. Also don’t be afraid to let the school know if you see any more warning signs about the girl’s parents. They can assess and can take steps that you can’t if they also suspect something’s off.

 

Who knew that eight seconds could lead to so much drama?

Seriously, I think any father of a daughter is going to recognize something of this story in their own history. Neutral is right. Children can be mean little shits. Often as parents, we just have to take our cues from our children. Make sure they know we are there for them and that if there is a threat of something dangerous, then it is time to tell an adult, but we also have to know when to back off and let them try to handle it themselves. That last part can be brutal.

If a parent is involved, that is a different matter entirely. If the adults seem to be causing the trouble, damn right you speak up.

We saw the same thing happen repeatedly when Little OOP was little. Hell, we still hear about drama now that she is in college. Many of us will get it, so feel free to vent away.

 

My daughter is 11 and we've been going through similar issues for a few years. All you can do is try your best and trust your daughter. Good kids attract good kids, my daughter would not trade her current group of friends for anyone in the world and my wife and I feel the same about the boys and girls who are regulars at our house now.
Kids have better instincts than we give them credit for, your daughter seems to be on the right path.

 

My daughter has six more days left in her elementary school career and less than a month until she turns 11. Holy fucking fuck am I not looking forward to middle school angst.

 

Uh, well, just be happy you don't have 16-year old identical twins like my sister StarSis.

Brief Twingnette: As I've mentioned in the interminable, SisB, the younger by 10 minutes, has always been slightly but noticeably better at sports.

As a result, SisB has also developed a slightly more assertive and outgoing personality (although both have always been outwardly quiet and reserved).

SisB has also become more overtly interested in sports, even asking me a couple times about old sports writing stories as well as strategy-related baseball stuff.

Anyway, last November, SisA blew her ACL and had surgery, knocking her out for the end of volleyball season and most of the current softball schedule.

Over last summer, fall and on into the winter, they were both involved in voluntary offseason softball workouts. This went on smoothly until SisA was knocked out by surgery and entered a separate rehab program specifically guided by trainers.

So SisB continued her offseason softball workouts. One of the things the coaches had mentioned to both twins was that they needed more upper-body strength. Both had always been rangy and fast.

The softball coaches got the whole team going on a regular weight program along with nutritional counseling. SisA missed out on this weight training.

Four months later, the season started. Many of the games in April were played in 35-degeee sleet storms, but the last couple weeks, it's gotten up into the 60s, and SisB, now the regular starting catcher, had taken to playing with her jersey sleeves rolled all the way up to the shoulders. I figured it had something to do with throwing down to second.

I was sitting in the stands with SisA, who is nearly done with basic rehab and may be cleared for softball workouts this week; she was kind of absently watching the game while skimming some homework reading at the same time.

SisB came up to bat and I observed to A. that B. was the only girl on the team playing with sleeves rolled all the way up.

"Oh yeah," SisA said. "She said she was doing it because she was hot."
"Hot?", I asked. "It's like 55-60 degrees. It's not that hot."
"No, it isn't," SisA sniffed, with a slight eye roll. "But she thinks SHE is."

Nasssssssty!!

 

Update: Today is afterschool club day and BGH and ex-friend are in the same club. As requested, the teachers made sure they weren't at the same table. Afterward, my wife said BGH and another friend were standing together outside waiting to be picked up and the ex-friend's Mom walked by...and said hi to the other friend and not BGH. What a cee u next Tuesday. Christ. As if there was any doubt where this girl gets it from.

 

They always get it from their parents or family.

COVID taking alway seventh grade from my daughter was a huge bonus.

Elementary school friends a lot of times won’t last to high school friends.

You can ask in middle for the girls to be on separate teams.

 

Oh yeah, I always knew that was the case. Was the case for me, mostly. (Didn't help my best buddy moved to Ohio) Still a bummer when it happens, even if it was the equivalent of watching a car crash unfold in slow motion.

As for the girls playing sports together, I'm not concerned. That would require a level of involvement & commitment from ex-friend's Mom & Dad that they don't have.

 

Sorry ... it ain't no fun. Just gotta do your best by your daughter and then stand around like a mule in a hailstorm, because "scot free" ain't on offer ... everybody gets a turn and ain't no getting out of it.

 

Middle schools a lot of times with group kids in 75 to 100 person teams that move among four main teachers. A decent sized middle school can have four different teams or pods in each grade level.