Massacree in Five Part Harmony (Thanksgiving 2022 thread)

Better have Adele cued up.

 

Please provide updates as you're able throughout the day. Thank you for your service.

 

Arlo was such a noon Thanksgiving staple on the radio that I'd have to remind my parents about it on the drive up to the grandparents'.

 

It's already starting. I had today off and since Mrs. Hondo believes she works harder than a slave in a Syrian salt mine in 900 BC, she doesn't want to stop on the way home and since I'm doing nothing, why can't I go to the store? I'm given a grocery list of stuff she forgot. My sins:
-I didn't get celery hearts. Instead, I got the celery with the leaves at the end, which can easily be cut off, and are 50 cents cheaper. Do I get credit for saving money and her having to put in a little more effort in chopping the leaves off? Fuck you guys think?
-The store only had small containers of Whipping Cream. She wanted one big one. Two small ones are the same amount but still resulted in some grumbling. "Just more thing I have to throw in recycling."
-She wanted three bags of the fresh green beans already snipped at the ends. They only had two left, but I got those and one bag of french green beans also snipped at the end. I'm informed that she would rather not mix regular green beans with french green beans (slightly thinner). I informed her that once they're mixed together, in the casserole dish, with the freaking mushroom soup and crisp onions on the top, who's going to tell the difference -- especially since half the family is so tired of green bean casserole (aren't we all?) they're not even going to look at it. The glare in return melted my face.

Suicide hotline is now on my speed dial.

 

Sounds like every grocery trip my wife sends me on. There's a list of 10 items. Nine are easily found. The last is somewhere in a jungle temple in Peru and requires just the right amount of sand in a bag to release it from the shelf.
Oh, and there's an 11th item she forgot that she'll call to tell me about as soon as I've made it through the 10-customer deep checkout line.

 

Two days into this thread and this hasn’t been posted yet? This board is slipping.

 

I usually enjoy trips to the grocery store, as long as I'm not in a rush. Mrs. Flip Wilson will tell me what to put on the list and I'll write the list, and I'll ask specific questions about sizes, amounts...stuff like that.

I went to the store today and saw the cutest couple dressed in matching Nike track suits and Nike shoes, and I told them they were cute, and they gave me the biggest smiles. Totally made the trip worthwhile.

 

We found out today that my mother-in-law is coming for Thanksgiving. I have a tattoo appointment tomorrow, so she'll just be thrilled to hear why I'm not home when she gets here, and I'll hear crap about my new ink her entire stay. She's also homophobic, and someone in our immediate family is a member of the LGBTQ+ community, so I just made a six-hour Spotify playlist with nothing but music from queer artists.

 

(I have lost my mind) After thinking that I had maxed out my seating space last year in my tiny-ass kitchen / dining room at 7, this year I have 9 people coming to Thanksgiving.

(Well, one of them was technically present last year. She was born in January.)

So the motley crew at Casa Wenders includes:
Me (who has enough alcohol in this house to float a small yacht. This is by design.)
My parents (Mom has already called me 3 times today and they haven't even left Cowshitistan yet.)
My aged aunt Meredith (who may or may not still be being catfished by a Russian pretending to be a Canadian actor who is slowly stealing all of her money)
My local besties and their small plus one (who usually work retail. This is the first year in 10 years that both of them have Thanksgiving off.)
My besties' mother (she is bringing apple pie so she's good)
My new boyfriend (who is some sort of saintlike creature for agreeing to this)

Also, I went to the store for everything I need last Tuesday. I managed, for once, to remember to pick up rolls. Note that the rolls still might get forgotten in the fridge and never made. I BOUGHT THEM SO I AM DOING BETTER THAN USUAL.

I also have spent the better part of a week cleaning my house to give it the appearance that a functional adult lives here, as opposed to a governmental event planner who has her big holiday event next weekend and is barely sane at this point.

Is it Sunday yet?

 

Small group here. My son and his wife (expecting in spring) and my daughter who gets in today. Son and daughter are both excellent, as in competition winning, cooks, so my duties have been reduced to making the oyster stuffing while they do everything. Oh, and shopping. I did all the shopping. I don't know exactly what some of the dishes will be, but I do know they need three kinds of salt and four kinds of sugar. Also Hondo, if you feel especially suicidal, you can tell your wife that as far as heavy cream goes, she's lucky she doesn't live in the Boston area. It took me visits to four different supermarkets to find any heavy cream at all, and my friends tell me this was not just bad luck, it matches their experience.

 

I think I got hit on during my shopping trip to Wegmans. This woman dropped something right in front of me, and when she bent down to pick it up, a bottle of champagne came loose from being tucked under her arm, so she hurriedly asked if I could grab it before she dropped it. My hand may have grazed her ass while doing so.

Then I saw her again five minutes later by the carrots, and all they had were 20-pound bags. I made a Dr. Oz crudité joke. She didn’t get it.