Your best In-Laws story

I think you won again.

 

My first wife’s parents did not speak English very well. Her mother hung up on me when I called to ask for her blessing to propose, because she couldn’t understand what I was saying (and this was before caller ID was on every phone).

Her father lived in Honduras and was a big-deal government official of some kind. He and I got along great.

If I had ever met my second ex’s father, I would’ve tried to maim him with my bare hands. He was an abusive piece of shit who took a lot of his anger out on my ex because she was the youngest and mouthiest. He died 10 years before we even met, and I still to this day think he’s the main reason our marriage didn’t work out long-term.

 

I’ve never actually met my in-laws, as my wife grew up in an abusive home and spent two stints in foster care with her siblings. At 17, she and her five siblings were offered the opportunity to move back home with their parents or stay in foster care. My future wife chose to stay in foster care while her siblings went home. My future wife had told her siblings that if they went home, they would regret it and that she would not speak to them if they did.

Turned out that two of her three brothers have spent considerable time in the justice system; one for molesting young girls, and the other for domestic violence and other violent acts. Her other brother and two sisters seem to have turned out OK. Her father also has been arrested numerous times for violent acts.

After a few years, my wife got back in contact and visited with her grandmother, who has since passed, and various cousins, who understand that my wife wants zero contact with her biological family. Her biological family has asked her cousins repeatedly for my wife’s contact info, but the cousins respect my wife’s wishes and refuse to do so. One of her sister’s daughters reached out to my wife on Facebook, and my wife told her that she had the wrong person.

We were visiting her cousins one time when we found out her mother was dying in the hospital, I suggested to my wife that if there ever was a time to see her mother, that would be the time. My wife refused. As far as she’s concerned, she’s moved on with her life.

 

I agree, that would be a good time.

The brother-in-law has been more friendly and inviting in the 30 years since that happened, but I'll never forget what a cockbag he truly is.

He ended up founding and running his own venture capitalist firm and has a net worth that is likely in the 8 figures, so I don't have any issues in letting him pick up every tab whenever we do get together. Maybe he'll slide us a few thousand in his will whenever the bastard dies.

 

This shit is turning depressing!

Relationships with in-laws can be an odd thing. No matter how close you get to them, you know that if your marriage broke up, they would all likely turn on you in a heartbeat.

 

I love golf and my in laws belonged to one of the nicest clubs in DC area but I would rather play a local muni than the club with my FIL because he was so serious and so worried about how we were affecting others (he was/is a total control freak) that despised playing with him at the club.

 

I was working my way through this thread, wondering if I should contribute. Then, I got one of those annual Facebook Memories that I posted 8 years ago when my FIL died. I could share that, but it is very lengthy and nobody would want to read it all. I'll just say that the first time I met my in-laws, I fell in love with them, fell in love with their daughter and married her 35 years ago.

 

My ex-wife was abused by a stepfather when she was in junior high.

She and I divorced 13 years ago. We aren’t friends. We have only recently advanced to “cordial.”

Even today, through all that, I’d still kill that sumbitch with my bare hands if I ever ran into him on the street.

 

Those are all personal decisions, and obviously depend on circumstances. But I wonder about why your wife made a decision not to speak to her siblings if they decided to go home/have contact with their parents. At some point, your wife might regret that, particularly with regard to any family members who have actually reached out to her and seem to have turned out OK.

 

Mostly because the siblings still have contact with her biological father and brothers and she’s concerned about safety.

She also feels like foster care gave everyone the best opportunity to make a better life for themselves and was unhappy that they chose to go back and live with their parents instead. Particularly the one brother who hasn’t spent time in the criminal justice system. My wife and her brother were with the same foster family, and she begged him to stay and pointed out how much life was better with that foster family. He chose to go back.

This also isn’t to say that foster care is a cure-all, or that my wife isn’t willing to forgive. Her time in foster care during her teen years (she also was in from ages 5-8) also was a mess. As a teen, she was with this other family for a couple of years, and the foster dad abused her. The rest of the foster family didn’t believe her and wrecked her belongings when she moving out.

Fast-forward about 25 years. One day, the foster mom left a message on our answering machine, begging my wife to call. Out of curiosity, my wife called her. The foster mom started apologizing profusely. It turned out that another girl had come forward, saying the foster dad had abused her. The foster mom confronted her husband, who confessed to that abuse. The foster mom then asked whether what my future wife said all those years ago was true, and the foster dad admitted it. She divorced him.

Then there was the foster family that my wife was with when her siblings left her. This family talked about adopting her and talked about her taking their last name.
The family was extremely religious, but said they wanted my wife to go to college. She did so, and met me. The foster family essentially told her they were unhappy that she was living a college lifestyle, going to clubs, and having a non-religious boyfriend. They essentially told her to choose between them and me. She chose me. This family also ended up divorced. My wife and I have been together for 29 years and married for 23. Yep.

My wife is now friends with both former foster moms on Facebook and recently visited both of them. She keeps in touch with the one with the ex-abusive husband fairly regularly.

She’s capable of forgiveness. But she doesn’t forget.