Sending daughter off to college

This is probably a db, but I couldn't find anything. If so, apologies.

Daughter heading to college in a month. She has been essentially an only child since preschool age. She knows no one at the school (a very good one in an absolutely wonderful location; we're pleased she was accepted). I think she is slow to trust new acquaintances.

I'm not worried about the academics or her self-motivation to succeed in class. I am concerned about socialization and her mental well-being in this environment. Her mom and I are 90 minutes away, but ... still.

Any advice? Not looking for the "Bring power strips for her dorm room" type of stuff but things I can pass on to try to help her have a great, fun, healthy and fun experience.

 

This was me 30+ years ago - an introverted only child off to school where I didn’t know anyone. I desperately wanted to live in a single dorm room and one of the smartest things my dad ever did was tell me that I couldn’t and what a mistake it would be. He was right. I would have left my room only to go to class and eat and wouldn’t have met people. So first off, I hope she’s not in a single room and has a roommate/ suitemates. Things have changed so much but one thing my parents did was send me shareable treats. Food makes friends. I’d let her know she shouldn’t be intimidated by people who seem smarter/more adjusted/loud than her. Schools are so competitive. They didn’t make a mistake by letting her in. It can be hard to find your people so she should not only lean into her interests as far as activities go, but also maybe stretch herself to try something new that might interest her. I hope it’s an easy transition for her.

 

Trust her. And listen to her.

Sent our youngest child and only daughter off to college in the fall of 2020 (the heat of Covid). She was a little reserved around people she didn't know, didn't have a roommate, and only one psycho suitemate, and none of her group of high school friends went with her to this state college, about 3 hours from home. Looking back, I can't believe we didn't freak out more than we did about it. It was all masks, all the time, half of her classes were online, and in the dorms, it was prohibited to leave your door open and go room to room, getting to know your fellow students, as it seems is the norm at any school in any non-Covid year.

We moved her in and walked around campus with her, so she'd know where to go get books, where the nearest cafeterias were, where her classes were, etc., and finally, after being on campus for a few hours, she looked at us and said, "You guys can go now. This is where I need to be."

The tears with Mom and I on the way home were unreal. We felt like we were the worst parents in the history of the world for sending her off to school.

She graduated with honors in May, with a strong group of new friends, and with a job she's passionate about in her field of study. A semi-serious boyfriend, and she's thriving.

Make no mistake, Dog. She's going to go through rough patches, she's going to get her heart broken, and she's going to wonder if she belongs. But she does belong, and she will get through it, and she will thrive. Just be there to listen, make sure she knows you're a quick drive away and will do whatever she needs to make sure she has everything she needs, and trust her to find her way.

Good luck,

 

College professor/low-level admin person here. Also parent of two college grads and one rising senior. So I have seen it from both sides but my advice might come more from my own experience many, many years ago than anything recent.

First, don't miss a chance to meet new people. Don't try to pick out who the cool kids are or who you would be embarrassed to hang around with. It isn't high school anymore, so the in-crowd either doesn't exist or consists of a bunch of people you will soon realize aren't as cool as they think they are.

Second, there is a good chance you will make life-long friends at college, but don't expect it to happen in the first semester. I look back at my experience and have seen it with my children and while a lot of the guys I hung out with in that first semester were actually good guys, it took a year or more before I started to really find my people - the ones I still text with and make sure to look up when I pass through their towns. The "you'll make friends for life" thing sets up false expectations and can lead to disappointment and an even stronger feeling of "I don't really belong here".

Third, don't be shy about introducing yourself to your professor or instructor. In fact, make a point of doing it early in the term. It is much better to do that than to have "I'm so lost and need help" be the first impression you make on them 5 weeks in. But as a corollary to that, don't be afraid to have the "I'm so lost I need help" conversation with them when that time comes. Falling out of the boat and never waving for the life raft generally leads to one outcome and it isn't a good one.

Finally, putting on my academic department head's cap for a moment, be as nice as possible to the people who are all around you making it so that you can worry about classes and not other things. That means the housekeeping staff in the dorms, the people working the line at the dining hall, the facilities management folks, the department administrative staff, etc. Appreciate what they are doing for you and everyone else there.

The toughest part is when you get that phone call about something that you really can't (and shouldn't) step in and fix for her. When she can't get into that class that is required this semester and has to wait until next year, or gets the jerk TA who won't excuse her missing a lab, or whatever. Give her all the advice you can, but let her be the one to fix the problem (unless it is something really huge).

I wish her luck and bet she will be fine. It really should be equal parts exciting and unsettling. I had a wise mentor tell me one time that real learning isn't happening in your classroom unless you or your students are a bit uncomfortable - and often both. The same thing goes for all the other parts of going to college. It is a soft start to adulthood, but it is no start at all unless you get a few bumps that you have to learn how to get through.

I'll hang up and go back to listening now.

 

I dropped my daughter off during the height of Covid, in a blizzard, 750 miles from home (she spent first semester at home online).

The best advice I gave her, looking back on my first year, is that there are times where you might feel lost, lonely, overwhelmed. It’s normal, and just call and tell me. It’s never insurmountable, and it pierces the feelings of isolation.

My first year I was from a small town, in a big city, and most kids at the school were from private schools and well to do enclaves of large cities. Academically I was in a fog and socially I was untethered. I rallied and things got better but it was a quietly difficult first year.

 

Encourage her to join as many orgs and explore as many social groups as she can find. In college, I was friendly with some of the people I lived with or near, but most of my friends that have persisted past that point were people I met at the college paper and in my courses. Unless it's a really small school, there are likely student groups on everything from anime to rocketry to archaic dead hobbies like newspapers and radio.

 

My kid started college last year, in the town we live in no less, and I have seen him like five times since. He is maybe not as socially challenged as your daughter in this sense, but he has had his moments and has really thrived.

I think one thing that helped him adapt very fast is he got an on-campus job right away. He has met a few good friends through that, and it also has left him much more independent of us. Also, he did join a few clubs right out of the box, like the outdoor and camping clubs, that he didn't really always mesh with all the people but it gave him a chance to go on a few weekend excursions to see some places and be around different people.

Being local, he did know a lot of people from high school and town there, but I don't think he hangs out with hardly anyone there. He chose to do trail work as his job this summer on the other side of the state (six hours from us), that didn't provide food or housing, but totally fits him. He didn't know anyone who was doing it either. Every now and then we get little signs he's alive, and honestly that is enough and shows he's doing well.

We have just sort of let him be and he has really taken off as an adult in my mind. We hardly pay for anything outside of school, he has taken on a bunch of things on his own. And as I said, we never hear from him. Which I think is a good thing.

I am part of a parents FB group and I can't believe how involved everyone is. It is completely the opposite of how we have handled things with our kid.

All of this may not work for your daughter, but maybe pieces will. I would suggest letting her feel it out and see if she expands on her own. Obviously check in and provide the support she needs as often as necessary, but see what she can do on her own and try to let go a bit.

 

We moved from WLA to Orange County when my daughter was starting middle school. So, new school, no friends at that point. She was 12.
I told her she needed to get involved in an activity. It was her choice -- softball, soccer, volleyball, music, choir, chess, drama, debate, etc. I didn't care, but she needed something. By the time she got into high school, my goal was that she would be with a group of friends that she could go with to football games, dances, movies. She chose volleyball. We joined a club that was very good in teaching her how to play, but she was never with other girls who were going to be in the same high school. And none were from our area of O.C. (The other thing I told her was to go to class every day, I can't remember being tested on something that was never addressed in class.)
Once she got to high school, she made the frosh-soph volleyball team and started. Her second year, she was on JV, didn't start but played a lot. But she quit after that. The coach told her she would be on Varsity as a junior, but probably wouldn't play much. She reason she did it originally, I found out later, was to satisfy the PE requirement, which was not required by her third year.

She was not a great student. Upon graduation, she went to the JC in our town and wasted four years there. She hated the place. She transferred to a JC in the next town over and it finally kicked in for her. She went there for two years and got her AA degree, but she really didn't get involved. Then she got through state college in two more years. It was eight years in all to get her BA diploma, but she did get it. She is 32 now. The other day, she said told me that she wishes she had taken our advice and gotten more involved with people and groups at school. She wishes she had more friends now from back then.

 

We dropped my older one in a small college in Minnesota last year. Very tough couple of days emotionally. It was a perfect choice of a school — quirky and academic minded — even if it was too far away from NJ for my liking. My only advice was not to repeat my mistakes — not to be so focused on GPA that you miss out on other things. Hopefully that advice sticks.

 

Thanks for all of the advice and recollections above. I really appreciate it.

Not sure I can talk daughter into a dormmate/suitemate, but if not, I'm going to try to make her earn it by pledging to do something new weekly/every so-many-weeks. Go to a meeting of a club you know nothing about, explore a part of the city you've never seen, talk to an unfamiliar classmate.

I'm also going to recommend she be a young adult in a magnificent city who is attending college, rather than a college student who is a young adult in a magnificent city. Have a life outside of classes, get the most out of the environment as possible.

 

Man, there is a lot of good advice here. And, none of us hear it enough, but nice job, people, as parents. Y'all did well, and continue to do well.

I'll share some of our experience when the kid began college three years ago. Her experience is a bit different because she's pursuing a BFA in Musical Theatre, so a lot of auditioning and needing to get an offer, rather than just acceptance. We were also fortunate that academics were never an issue and we have a driven, passionate kid. We cast a wide net, but knew that her doing this was going to limit her pool of choices no matter what.

She was offered to two schools/programs in NYC, which, yeah, is a long way from NC (550 miles by way of car). She had two offers from in-state schools/programs. We were fortunate that we were just coming out of COVID and could visit and tour in NYC. We had a lot of experience visiting the city, but being able to tour immediately made the choice come down to those two schools than the other offers. She wanted to be in the city, and realized it. Don't lose sight that y'all have been able to choose a spot you obviously like.

Again, her experience is different because her program is small - and got smaller. Her Class of '25 in the program started with 36 kids; they are at 25 now. And they're from all over the country - friends from NE, Texas, Ohio, VA, Los Angeles, AZ, and on an on, and diverse as hell. The city - and the grind of musical theatre study - is not for everyone once it truly begins to become their life's work.

And that's what it is. She has a very, very close group of friends because those 25 are always together. But that's also made navigating the city and outlying boroughs easier and more seamless. It's also made her grow up really fast. Her mom and I always knew that so much of her college experience and education was just living there, and while that's different in a big city, that's true anywhere. She knows the subway system and LIRR cold, but that also means having a schedule to adhere to and figure out. It turned out she was the kid of her friend group that they all lean on to navigate, and that makes me really happy. The tiny, petite kid from rural NC is the leader walking around.

She is so independent now, just jumps up and goes to do whatever it is that needs to be done in that moment, and quickly, because time is precious. She talks faster, is more opinionated, is in terrific shape and her sense of humor is hilariously sarcastic and biting. And, goddam, her friends are FRIENDS.

This is probably the last summer she'll be home - and even this summer, she spent part of it back at her apartment in Brooklyn - and real trepidation starts this year as she's ready to graduate. She'll always have to hustle and none of us know if there will be opportunities for her to perform after all this. And there will be plenty of times she won't be working in her field. Thank goodness most of this all was paid for through scholarship.

That's a lot of words to say: do your best to let her go, allow her to thrive and figure things and people out, make sure to go to class and always do the assigned reading. The line above about being a young adult in a new place while going to college instead of a "college student" is terrific advice. And also know, hey, none of this is planned. You can't know anything and everything. So always look ahead, move forward to the next day and let things evolve. They will, one way or another, and you and your kid will eventually get to, literally, the place and person they are really going to be. Be their rock, but also be their friend, perhaps even a little more than you ever have. Listening and being ready with a "I hear you" and "I understand" matters more than "I told you so" or "Dammit, what?!"

It's hard to believe we sent our kid off to NYC and then my wife and I just came home. It's hard to believe I drove a Penske rental van 552 miles and moved her into a Brooklyn apartment two summers ago.

What's also hard to believe - and this especially goes for you - is how fast all of this has gone, and how close to done we already are. We always think life moves fast, but nothing in our lives has moved faster than "The Kid: Her College Years." Soak up as much of it as you can. It'll be the time of her life. In time, you'll realize it's the time of yours, too.