Dear dimwit on the phone

Evergreen tweet, I know.

 

I'd forgotten about that one. So true.
But the worst is the weird spellings. A woman called and said we misspelled her kid's name in the paper. The phone guy says, "We didn't, you did."

 

Dear grade chasing parent,

I know my class is hard. I did that on purpose. And just because your kid did really well in an AP class last year, doesn’t guarantee an A this year in College Prep. If you wanted an easy A, your son should have taken underwater basket weaving. I understand he’s had a B all semester. He started off doing B work.

By the way, instead of crying to me about why he doesn’t have an A and that my grading is too tough and that I’m not doing enough to raise his grade he has done the following:

• Asked me what he missed and how he can improve
• He has taken my advice and improved
• Comes in every day with a smile on his face ready to work
• Is the go-to person whenever anyone needs help
• Had worked his ass off

And that is why your kid is getting an A on his first semester report card. Have a great holiday.

Mr. Spartan

 

I work in a small enough market that sometimes I honestly just try to look up the correct spelling through social media. It's not a fool-proof method, but it helps.

Check. Re-check. Double-check again.

 

First you cost them scholarships as a sports writer, now you're doing it as a teacher. Damn, you're good.

 

Ar my last full-time gig, we had a rural school with 300-400 kids. One volleyball coach asked me "How do you know all these names?"
"It's (Podunk). The same girls play all the sports."

 

It also helps that I grew up in the area. I remember that Poville has HANSENs while Dunkville has HANSONs. I remember that Podunk has both PETERSENs and PETERSONs, so I need to make sure I have the right one. I remember that one part of the coverage area has a family feud, and half of the family plays for the Yankees and the other half plays for the Mets, so don't confuse the two. These are the things you pick up when you see the same names on these rural school rosters over a decade-plus.

 

A few weeks ago I had to shoot about 40 mugshots of high school girls who are part of a social club/organization. I recognized eight or nine of the names as basketball players, so I had the club sponsor tell them to bring their basketball jersey or a T-shirt so I could also take a sports mugshot. Saved me the trouble of setting up another picture day.

 

A local school had both a Tennison that played basketball, and a Tennyson that played baseball.

Don't know which was the better poet, but they finally graduated.

 

One year we had two basketball players with the same name -- same spelling and everything -- who played on rival teams in town. Making matters worse, they were both key players.
It was tricky writing the game stories when they played each other, to say the least. They all got the full medieval name introductions every time they were mentioned.
"Joe Smith, of the Podunk Rapscallions, stole the ball from Joe Smith of Shelbyville."

 

Had a woman take time out of her Christmas Eve with the family to email me, send me a Facebook message, and comment on a Facebook post to let me know I'm an idiot for my all-county football selections.

 

Costing a kid a scholarship. The Christmas gift that keeps on giving.