The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

"Fastball" *holds out hand* "' 'bout cock high."

 

"All my brothers are boys." -- high school athlete discussing the rest of her family.

"If that doesn't pucker your butthole, I don't know what will." -- Bill Mallory, discussing who knows what.

"I hate country clubs. Everybody wants to shake your hand. So I never wash my hands after I go to the bathroom at country clubs." -- legendary college basketball coach.

 

I've run into repeated use of the word "cockshot" to describe a pitch down the middle approximately at groin height. Heard it from at least four different coaches.

So while the quote is usually something like, "Hey, you keep throwing cockshots, they're going to end up over the fence," they end up looking like this if they get into a story: "Hey, you keep throwing [pitches down the middle], they're going to end up over the fence."

I also have a coach who, instead of saying "umm" or "uh," he says "fucking." For instance, "I don't know, we just ... fucking ... couldn't get a hit today. It's ... fucking uh ... frustrating to ... fucking ... not be able to hit the ball."

 

Got this un-PC gem from a high school baseball coach some years ago.

An outfielder drops a fly ball and two runs score. As the kid trots to the bench at the end of the inning, the coach says:

"Son, you couldn't catch AIDS in a New Orleans whorehouse."

 

i'm covering the nba playoffs in 1983. someone asks moses malone for his take on how the sixers will fare after a record-setting regular season. moses gives one of the most famous quotes in nba/sports history:

"fo', fo' and fo'."

meaning the sixers will sweep all three rounds en route to the title. (they win the title in 13 games, not 12).

every paper in the country uses this quote, as is. i write it in my story for the n.y. daily news. the idiot sports ed at the time decides it needs to be cleaned up. i pick up the paper the next day and read:

"four, four and four."

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! ??? ??? ???

 

Charlie Pierce, if he's lurking, can verify this one from a previous incarnation of this thread, since he's the one who shared it. I think the Sixers were finishing off the Celtics and the fans started chanting "Beat L.A.!" Some asked Moses (I think) what he thought of that and he said, "When I heard that my dick got stiff." Only the Boston Phoenix could use it.

I'll correct this for year, situation, player and so forth.

 

After a Pistons loss:

Bison Dele: I don't know why y'all want to talk to me. No one interviewed the losing gladiators in Rome.
*pause*
Reporter: That's because they were dead, Bison.
BD: My point exactly.

My goal in life is to find a religion that provides me enough enlightenment to understand what Bison's point might have been.

Like all of the great Bison Dele stories, it's fun to tell, but didn't do us a lot of good on deadline.

 

Guys:

I signed up just so I could post on this thread. This one was told to me by a writer from a different paper:

He's interviewing a somewhat wacky boys lacrosse coach about a surprising underclassmen who was dominating early on.
The coach is fawning all over this kid, so reporter asks coach what it's like watching him play the game:

"Every time that kid scores a goal, I just want to pull my di*k out and c*m all over the field!"

Has to be one of the best ever.

 

Division I-AA football coach on an upcoming game between two other conference schools and who he thinks will win.

"That's like choosing between Iran and Iraq."

 

Ron Washington, then coaching for the Oakland A's, on the art of the bunt:

"You gotta get that bitch down, and then you gotta run like a motherfucker."

I asked him if he could expand on that, and he talked for forty-five minutes straight.

 

And people say amphetamines weren't good for baseball...

 

A few years back, another reporter and I asked a losing pitcher of a playoff game about a tough drop by his right fielder that would've ended the game in his favor. His take: "I hope that kid kills himself tonight."
Silence.
"Seriously, if I read the paper tomorrow morning and I find out he's dead, I won't care."