The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

Yeah, Barbers, it was the end of that interview. He deadpanned it, too, on the field during live action. (We were chatting as I shot from the dugout entrance.)

Another one, asking a college hockey player how his team might play differently heading into a weekend series against a national power with their third-string goalie in net.

"He's a fucking goalie. They're all fucking weird. We'll just play, and he'll stand back there and yell some shit. No one really pays attention."

I'd tried using "He's a ... goalie. They're all... weird. We'll just play."

But it got cut.

 

No. 1

Me: "Where's John Doe? He didn't practice today."
Coach I cover: "He's got an ass problem."
Me: "What? Like hemorrhoids?"
Coach: "No. I kicked his ass, and he didn't like it, so he's not here today."

No. 2

Anonymous SEC coach: "Yeah, I recruited (Jared) Lorenzen. As a center."

 

Interviewing a couple of Japanese kids who were playing high school baseball in South Carolina ...

Asst. coach: "They don't speak much English, so I'll be your translator."
Me: "OK. (turning to the kids) How long have you guys been in America?"
Asst. coach: "How long .... America?"


Overheard at a practice before Chesterfield HS plays Cheraw HS. Cheraw has never lost to Chesterfield in over 30 years.
Coach to players: "Boys, you can call me a sonofabitch, and you can call me a bastard, but I'd rather suck a 10-foot dick than be called a loser to Chesterfield!"

 

i was stringing a new york giants game. jeremy shockey said a quote that included the words "if the fat ass ref would've gotten his fat ass" out of the way, i'd have scored.

it got cut.

 

Recently, I was doing a freelance story about a high-school pitcher who was enjoying great success with his new side-arm motion.

Me: So coach, what made you encourage him to change his delivery.
Coach: He wasn't worth a piss.

There have been others, of course, but that's my all-time classic. ;D

 

This happened more than 20 years ago and it's still my favorite.
I was a rookie reporter covering a high school basketball team I had only seen once before. In the first game, they had a 6-8 guy who had a great game. He didn't play in the second game.

ME: Coach, why didn't Cady play today?

COACH: Cuz he's a fucking asshole.

 

Location: the dressing room before a game in which the visiting team has forgotten its jerseys.

Scenario: the visiting team's head coach has been offered the use of the home team's away sweaters so that the game will start on time.

Quote from coach: "Fuck them. We're not going out without our sweaters. They can suck my cock."


Actually, I may still use that quote in the book I'm writing about the team.

 

Last year while covering softball for my college paper I did a story on a couple of players that transferred away from a similar university (another CSU) in the very near vicinity. I had heard (correctly) that it was because the coach at the prior school had a reputation for being very verbally abusive and unfair in her treatment of players.

So I sit down for an interview with one of the players (who up to this point wasn't much of a talker) and from on the first question she launches into a five-minute profanity-laced tirade about the coach including several F-bombs and a word that rhymes with "bunt." (Don't bother pointing out the irony in this player using profanity to describe a coach she hated because of verbal abuse, it sure as hell wasn't lost on me).

When I tell her that I can't word it quite that way for the paper, she responded deadpan with one of the greatest lines ever:

"Just don't make me look like a bitch."

 

I've had a few "thought the referee was trying to ram it right up our ass tonight" quotes, and a couple coaches calling out their teams for not having the "testicular girth" to show up, but I can't think of too many specific quotes...usually I self censor them as I go, so I don't have the gems left.

I also did a profile with an old show horse judge too, who was talking about judging horses like you'd pick a date...only he was getting quite sexual with the physical terms. Wish I could remember it. I kept it for colour, but my editor is ultra-sensitive on those.

Not a quote, but once I wrote a male high school rugby team went through three hookers in a game (they did, due to injuries and performance) and he chopped that. Even with all the quotes I've tried to push that were borderline, that one pissed me off the most because that was a fact and people reading about rugby should generally know what a hooker is.

 

former girls bb coach in suburban Pittsburgh.
Lost a state basketball game, or district final (it was 20 years ago), several writers, a few cameras on her.
Media: "Coach, what happened?
Coach: "We couldn't put the fuckin' ball in the hoop."

This, from a 50-something woman, made me laugh

 

A couple that were related to me by co-workers about 15 years ago:

- "We got our f'ing t*ts ripped off" - a collegiate women's basketball coach after a tough loss

- Coach: "We're TWTW" Reporter: "What?" Coach: "Too white to win" - the boys' basketball coach at a prestigious prep (private- $10K plus to attend) high school

and then there was the post-game conversation between a legion baseball coach and a writer he's been friends with for 15+ years:
Writer: "usual quotes coach?"
Coach: "Sure, go ahead"

 

I was covering a motocross event at 10 this morning and stumbled across this beautiful quote.

PA Announcer: It's hot out here so make sure you stay hydrated. And no, hydrated does not mean downing 12 beers before noon.
Fat redneck downing Coors Light next to me: I ain't fuckin' racin'.