Exploding Cigar Penis

IJAG said that I MUST post this story. For those of who don't know, I am interning this summer at a prosecutor's office and like most aspiring prosecutors, I am getting to know the cops. When you ask a police officer for his most gruesome stories, you have to be prepared to hear some crazy stuff. PLEASE do not read this story while you are eating, thinking about eating or have a stomach weaker than JDV's sense of irony.

One officer told me a story about when he used to work as a cop in Podunk. He was driving home and saw a guy walking along the side of the road, dripping wet. About a mile later, he saw a broken down car with flashers on. He figured the guy he had seen must have been the owner, so he doubled back, figuring he would give the guy a ride to a phone and do his good deed for the day.

When he got there, the guy said, "It ain't my car. I don't own a car." When asked where he was walking to, he said, "Nowhere. I live out here in farmer's fields." The cop figured he should take the guy to a hospital to make sure he was OK. The guy was dripping wet because he bathed in an irrigation ditch. Within a few minutes, the cop could tell this guy was pretty crazy. At one point they had this conversation.

"My girlfriend is going to be mad at me."
"Why is that?"
"Because I cleansed myself last night."
"What do you mean?"
"I circumcised myself"

The cop had patted him down before letting him in the car and hadn't found a knife or scissors or anything sharp, so he let it go at that, figuring the guy was just talking out of his ass.

Once they got to the hospital, the doc said the guy was clearly missing a few screws, but was in generally good physical shape. The guy told the doc that he had circumcised himself, but the doc thought he was just talking crazy. At that point, curiousity got the better of the cop.

"You circumcised yourself?"
"Yep."
"How?"
"I used the farmer's tools"
"So you took some tools out of his barn?"
"Oh, no. I didn't do that."

He then explained that he balanced himself on a barbwire fence, took his foreskin, wrapped it around a spike in the barbed wire and jumped off the fence. He did this three times before the skin loosened to the point that he was able to rip it off. He ripped off his foreskin. He ripped it off. He RIPPED IT THE FUCK OFF.

The cop asked me if I had seen the Three Stooges episode with the exploding cigar and said that the man's penis looked like the cigar....after it exploded.

 

As an FYI, Moddy, Gutter, markvid, Ragu, Webby, I did NOT suggest the thread title.

 

That makes my nether regions hurt.

 

I am horrified. Horrified.

 

I just fucking peuked.

 

I'm going to assume the reason why only girls have responded is that the boys are in fetal positions and whimpering.

 

Sorry, Chef, you beat me by four seconds.

 

Uh....that would be sixty-four seconds, my dear.

 

That is a great story.

 

I thought it was your band in high school.

 

Pretty close. Actual tears came into my eyes, and I couldn't breathe for about a minute. Holy Jebus.

 

I just threw up in my mouth a little.