Am I in the wrong? NHL=Diana Ross

I recently wrote a column where I compared negotiations between the NHL and NHLPA to an incident of driving under the influence involving Diana Ross. Here's the exact quote:

"Negotiations between the players and owners were harmonious as a patchwork quilt, with both sides displaying the reluctance and clumsiness of a Diana Ross sobriety test."

I've received two angry letters since the column was published, with one letter referring to me as a "unmitigated white trash" and telling me that nobody will acknowledge me when I die, but Diana Ross will be mourned by the entire world. What do you think, am I in the wrong?

 

Yes, but that's pretty funny.

 

I'm unfamiliar with Diana Ross' bouts with alcohol, but anyone who fails a sobriety test is forever fair game when it comes to ridicule.

 

I like the line. Maybe if you would have used Bob Huggins people wouldn't have been as upset.

 

I don't know. Are you unmitigated white trash? Let's take a quiz:

1. Do you have a working TV set on top of a non-working TV set?

Right now, I have two TV sets stacked, but the one on the bottom works.

2. Do you keep a pontoon boat on your back porch, just in case?

3. Do you drink Schlitz?

4. Do you drink LOTS of Schlitz?

5. How many non-working vehicles are on your property right now? More than 2?

6. Have you ever participated in a demolition derby?

7. Is one of the non-working vehicles on your property destined for a future demolition derby?

8. Can you recite tonight's CMT schedule?

I actually can attempt this. I believe Dukes are on right now, followed by Eight Men Out (a rare good movie on this channel), followed by a couple shows to appease the rednecks, followed by Dallas: War of the Ewings (a purely awful reunion movie that throws out most of the show's established facts).

 

Is it my imagination, or is DyePack admitting to being unmitigated white trash?

 

I don't think he has to admit it.

Dallas: War of the Ewings (a purely awful reunion movie that throws out most of the show's established facts).

There were "established facts" on Dallas?

 

Based on that, Garner was very, very kind.

 

1. No, but there aren't any flat screens or HD-compatible televisions in my house. I do however, have a nice microwave.

2. No, but I do have a large inflatable pink chair.

3. I haven't had Schlitz since the late 90s.

4. No, but I once drank half a bottle of nail polish remover. Nail polish still won't stick to my teeth or gums.

5. Do power wheels trucks count as vehicles? No.

6. In an isolated case of amateur solitary demolition derby, I ran into a guard rail once when I was 16. Never participated, but it's been a lifelong dream.

7. No. The power wheels truck would pose a significant safety hazard. And it wouldn't work well with a roll cage.

8. No, but I'm sure it consists of two shows with "Truckin'" and "Honky Tonk" in the title.

Yay! I'm not unmitigated white trash after all!

 

Its common knowledge that white trash use the term "dyepack" to insult their neighbors in the trailer park. Dyepack dreams of someday reaching white trash status........we all know its hopeless.

 

Did she demand that the cops call her "Miss Ross"?

Ask Florence Ballard's family if Diane (her real name) deserves charitable treatment. Hell, ask anybody who was at Motown in the '60s.

Hell yes!