Chef gets a colonoscopy

Buckle up kids. This is gonna get interesting.
48 years old. Never had any health issues at all. Just went in a year ago for a routine check up, just to make sure all the I’s are crossed and T’s are dotted. Dr tells me that they recommend the colonoscopy get done at 45 now.
So, Dr mentions the Cologuard thing. They send me this box in the mail. It literally sits in my basement. I would walk by it every day in my closet. I finally open it.
After going to and fro about it, I decide “Hey…..if I krap in this box, and they find a marble, or a q-tip or a hunk of a Zero candy bar, or something else they’re not supposed to find in there, I’ve got to get a colonoscopy anyway, so let’s just eliminate the middle man.”
And so it begins.
First of all, my surgeon was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.
Appointment set. The 24 hours before. Oh sweet mercy.
Without getting too graphic, let’s just say that from 3p-7:30p the day before, I was never more than 4 steps away from the toilet, and I’ll never drink Gatorade Zero Frost again.
And now. The day. A Friday.
8:15 is go-time, so I have to be there at 7:15
Check in. Yadda Yadda.
They get me into the room.
Nurse comes in and says it all comes off. Hands me a gown she says to go in here to change. My wife got the unenviable task of taking me back and forth. As I said earlier, I have had no health issues in my 48 years on this planet, so I’ve never even worn a hospital gown. (As I was getting changed, the thought crossed my mind of taking a selfie in the mirror with the open end to the front, junk exposed to the world and asking her…..”Is this how it goes?!?!”…….but I didn’t.)
Alas.
Again…..I’ve never even been under anesthesia before. Nope. Never. Healthy all my life. No surgeries. No nothing.
Nurse comes in. IV in. Wife comes in from waiting room. Looks at me. “Did they already put the catheter in?”
I beg your pardon.
“Yeah…….so you don’t piss all over everything and everyone.”
Um…..
I can feel the blood pressure machine going upwards of about 400. I start sweating like Antonio Cromartie at a paternity test.

She goes on for about 5 minutes….manages to get all 3 of the women who looked after me to crack up like school kids…..before she finally starts laughing. I was within an eyelash of ripping tubes out and going home.

They wheel me into the room. Nice anesthesiologist and I are chatting about breweries……I manage to mumble “Yeah……we’ve got 2 bre…..”……..I didn’t even get the word brewery out. Next thing I know, they’re taking the oxygen out of my nose and telling me we’re done.

Follow up next week but Dr said everything was good.

I ate everything that wasn’t bolted down all day Friday.

Get er done guys.

 

My dad had colon cancer, so I’ve been on the test-every-5-years-plan starting at age 40. Which means I’m due again next year, and I haven’t yet forgotten how much I hated the prep for the last one.

 

I have a family history and have always been clean (knocking wood). Mrs. W. was going to cancel her first one because she was too busy and a friend told her she had to go through with it. Long story short, she had a malignant growth. They caught it early, surgery was successful and her first anniversary test last month was clean.

In another words, get the fucking test. Pooping for 24-36 hours is worth it.

 

I had my first one done last month. It wasn’t fun, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I had an appointment with my primary care doctor the week before and asked her if she had any advice. She told me to start drinking plenty of fluids two days before and to eat some solid food, but not too heavy the day before Prep Day.

So the day before, I had one of those Jimmy Dean sausage egg and cheese muffins for both breakfast and lunch and had a can of soup for dinner. For Prep Day, I drank black coffee for breakfast, had a full can of chicken broth for lunch, drank part of a bottle of yellow Gatorade, then had my prep drink at 4 and 10 p.m.

The prep drink was Plenvu, which I was nervous about because the online reviews were hit or miss. But it wasn’t terrible. Kinda a fruity drink with a little salt flavor. I put it in the freezer about 45 minutes before, and alternated sipping it with a straw while taking swigs of Gatorade. Yeah, I spent time on the toilet, but it, um, wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would. Ended up losing five pounds too, although magically, they’ve returned.

Luckiest move I did was that I had scheduled it months earlier, and didn’t realize it was the day the clocks sprung forward. So I had one less hour of suffering.

Next morning was Colonoscopy Day. Like Chef, I stripped and put on a paper gown and walked the halls with it, which was weird. I asked the anesthesiologist how long it would take for me to be put out and he told me “five seconds.” Yeah, it was that quick. Nobody said anything about a catheter.

My belly hurt when I woke up. Apparently, they pump air in and I was bloated as hell. After an awful lot of farting and some time on the pot, home it was.

My results were fine. I’m glad I got it done for my peace of mind.

 

The worst part for me was the IV. I have tiny veins and getting blood drawn, even when I’m fully hydrated, is an ordeal. On colonoscopy day, the nurse who claimed that working in a NICU for 15 years made her able to find a good vein on anyone, couldn’t find one on me. The anesthesiologist had to do it and said I was the toughest patient he’d had in years. The rest of it was a cinch compared to that. I’m due later this year and am already dreading the IV.

 

You gotta fart before they release you. One of the funniest thing I've heard was my Mom mimicking the Filipino nurse with a squeeky, accent: "Come on, Mrs., fart, you gotta fart. Mrs. please, fart, you gotta fart."

 

They knock you out for it?

 

Yes. Some of the best sleep I've ever had. I've gone under for three other major surgeries, and again when I had all four wisdom teeth removed at once, and that was by far the best, probably in part because I knew I wouldn't be hurting when I woke up.

The prep sucks. The process itself is a walk in the park.

 

Unless you're a dipshit president too insecure to hand the reins over for a couple hours!

The inside scope: How ego led Trump to hide a colonoscopy

 

That’s the one thing the nurses kept telling me. And they were right.

 

I was out cold for it.
I’ve heard of people that got them done that they just gas them like at the dentist.
No thanks.
Knock me out cold.
As was mentioned, that was the best short nap ever taken.