Feedback on an piece of writing I wrote

http://thebookofdylan.blogspot.com/2009/12/thank-you-phone-conversation.html

It's not really an article but since it's Christmas break I wanted to keep my writing fresh so I am trying to write in this blog once a day. I don't want to talk about sports at all, just more about social commentary type thing.

I do have a lot of pride in my writing though and I've enjoyed writing like this a lot. I'm putting this here so I can see how I can improve, and even, translate this type of thing into journalism.

 

Any?

 

OK. You are too much in love with your writing. You are using too many words to describe a scene without much purpose.

You should think hard at stripping down the writing and decide if each word is needed.

You do have talent.

Oh ... and as a reader I didn't understand if that if was just so hard for you to have a conversation and say thank you to someone who sent you $50 or if you have some kind of issue with the person (father, stepfather, grandfather, uncle?).

So, one the one hand, it was intriguing to see if you would say why you had such a problem having a conversation with the guy. On the other hand, it was disappointing when you didn't.