"God's Agent" Screenplay by Jeff Hawkins (short film)

A very, very poor man's copyright ...

LOGLINE
Feeling his job as God's agent after 3000 years is at a dead end, Alexander Gilgameiser interviews for a position at a distant planet, aiming to advance his career. A hiring freeze keeps him on Earth.

Humanity’s Zenith Short Film Trilogy
Part II
"God’s Agent"
Screenplay by Jeff Hawkins

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO APT. – GRAND ISLAND, NEB. – RAINY NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSITION
CHAPTER I – FINDING A PLACE

Lightning strikes, illuminating a rain-soaked bedroom window. A couple embraces in intense fornication. SHIVA’S taunt hands tightly grip ALEXANDER GILGAMEISER’S buttocks; her passionate dark brown eyes stare intensely into his, deep green. Blinking, ALEXANDER suddenly stops making love, quickly covering his face with his right hand.

ALEXANDER
Damn …

SHIVA
(Sounding confused) What’s wrong?

ALEXANDER
I forgot to punch out!

ALEXANDER slides out of Shiva, who groans, and then the bed. Stumbling over to the time clock mounted on the bedroom wall, he punches out.

SHIVA
(Irritated) God punches out?

ALEXANDER
Oh, HER latest expansion projects are running over budget. SHE’S cutting back on my overtime.

Sitting down at the side of the bed, ALEXANDER stares out to the horizon.

SHIVA
Are you OK? Nervous about the meeting?

ALEXANDER
(Sigh) I know I’ll do well.
(PAUSE)
I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing? What good have I done the past three millennia?
(PAUSE)
I should have muffled Gregory when I had the chance. Life here would have been so much more fun. But I tell you, my job would be a lot easier, if this race wasn’t so self-destructive. All they have to do is stop punishing the atmosphere with so much emission waste - and there’s a chance this civilization could survive. Who am I kidding? No one will stop driving.
(PAUSE)
(Sigh) Just to the scientists here on Earth, there are over 125 billion known galaxies. Certainly there must be a position somewhere I can advance my career. (Playful growl) Lately, though, at least I’ve had more time with you.

They share a laugh, igniting a continuation of their fornication. Shiva screams in ecstasy.

Lightning strikes.

FADE OUT:

VOICEOVER
Our story begins in Grand Island, Neb. This forgotten, little town was selected by our hero for its location, almost exactly the midway point between New York and L.A. …
(Clears throat) not because it was the center of prostitution in the 1870s.
(Pause)
It’s a new day.

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO APT. – GRAND ISLAND – SUNNY MORNING

SUPERIMPOSITION
CHAPTER II - GOD IS CALLING

SUN rises in the WEST.

ALEXANDER gets out of bed, walks to the door and retrieves the morning newspaper, en route to the bathroom. Reaching for a remote, ALEXANDER turns on the early morning news.

KENT MCMANN
(VO)
This is Kent McMann, news intern at WNWR with exclusive breaking news. We are receiving reports from across the world, confirming the story I broke on MY blog at 5:31 this morning: Our sun is rising in the West. Repeat, our sun is rising in the West. Scientists from across the world are just now beginning to analyze the impact of MY breaking story …

INT. – STUDIO APT. BATHROOM – STILL SUNNY MORNING


ALEXANDER
OOOOOOH, MMMMMMMyyyyyyyYYYY Ggggooooddd. SHIVA, please, get my phone – quick!

Unaware of the broadcast, a finely shaped SHIVA, dressed in an XL “Venus is Hot” T-shirt, appears in the doorway. Carefree, she dances.

SHIVA
Need this? (Sarcastic) Such a great man, one who can transcend humanity and mediate between the universe and HER creation and he can’t even get off the bathroom throne to get the phone. … Whatcha gonna do now?

ALEXANDER
(Impatient) Shiva, please. It’s important I speak with HER. Go wake and bake so I can find out about this Sun rising business. You know SHE’S been a bit stressed lately.

SHIVA
(Now concerned) Alex, what is going on?

Just as SHIVA tosses ALEXANDER his cell, it rings. ALEXANDER snares and answers it in one motion.

ALEXANDER
Good morning. You bless you. Real quick, what is this sun ri… A sign? What sign? … No, I didn’t get your E-mail … No, we haven’t developed that technology, yet. Remember? … OK, no problem I just have to find a way to spin this. … Yes, I’ll handle it. … What did you say?

Bong bubbles in the background. SHIVA coughs, giggles.

ALEXANDER
What? … What? The connection is turning bad again. Did you say job interview? Yes, thanks for the recommendation. … Where am I interviewing first? … It’s the planet Earthlings recognize as Gilese 581. I’m talking with THE REPRESENTATIVES’ headhunter over lunch in New York. By dinner, I’ll be in L.A. for another sit down on the New Testament re-write. Yes, that again. The dinosaurs’ representatives are still insisting on dialogue.

Still on the toilet, ALEXANDER looks at his watch.

ALEXANDER
Listen, I’ve got to catch my flight. … I’ll give you a call from L.A. … Yes … yes … I’ll handle the sun rising … bye.

ALEXANDER dials a new number.

ALEXANDER
National news desk, please … News director Tom …

Bong bubbles in the background. SHIVA coughs, giggles.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. L.A. AIRPORT RESTURANT - EVENING

SUPERIMPOSITION
CHAPTER III – THE INTERVIEW

Late for the interview, ALEXANDER arrives at the restaurant table.

ALEXANDER
Sorry for making you wait, sir, I’m Alexander Gilgameiser. My flight was delayed … aaaaannnd I had a small ‘thing’ to work out this morning.

Well-endowed WAITRESS walks up the table and pours each a glass of wine, emptying the bottle.

GILESE 581 HEADHUNTER
(To ALEXANDER) Yes, that was a little ‘thing,’ wasn’t it? (LAUGHING) I bet SHE did that just because I was coming. No matter. (Turning to waitress) I’ll start with a filet mignon … rare … and another bottle of Dom. Romane Conti 1997.

ALEXANDER
I’ll have the same.

WAITRESS
Another bottle of wine, too?

ALEXANDER
As I told Martin Luther to once say: ‘Beer is made by men, wine by God’

HEADHUNTER
(Lifting a glass to toast) Here, here … our God will make wine, too …

Looking confused, WAITRESS exits. HEADHUNTER scratches his arm and hand.

HEADHUNTER
SHE altered my molecule structure so I may resemble these carbon units … (scratching his arms and hands) this skin is so uncomfortable. How much longer before they shed this skin? It’s so constricting – and itchy.

ALEXANDER
You get used to it after a while. These people are still primitive in many ways … (laugh) I’ve definitely paid my dues.

HEADHUNTER
Yes. Well … anyway, let’s go over your resume here on Earth. I see you marketed Gehenna’s refuse dump as the concept of sinful souls burning in Hell. Nice touch. You showed big business sense by creating a World Savior from a bastard Jew. Economically, it was a master stroke.

WAITRESS brings the food and two bottles of wine. They gorge.

ALEXANDER
I am particularly proud of the way I filled the void in the middle ages. (Acting dramatic) With the Black Plague ravaging Europe, I took a single Old Testament reference and turned the devil into a Revelations superstar! Why just this morning the sun rose in the West, I spun it by …

HEADHUNTER
Yes … yes … I heard. The “Magic Sun Rise.” Extremely clever. I’m curious to see if the public buys it.

ALEXANDER
Hey, I went retro! People bought JFK’s “Magic Bullet,” didn’t they?

HEADHUNTER
(Laughing) Alexander, I like you. An agent’s job foremost is to market and promote a client’s career. Your work here has been groundbreaking, but I feel I must be straight-forward with you. This morning I spoke with THE REPRESENTATIVES. Infrastructure overspending and front-office cutbacks are forcing us into a hiring freeze.

ALEXANDER rubs his eyes.

HEADHUNTER
I’m going to keep your resume on file. OUR LORD is still in the concept phase, but when HE is completed, HE will need an agent with grassroots experience. In a few hundred years, when our evolutionary track is back on course, we’ll give you a call.

ALEXANDER
A few hundred years? Thank you, sir, but I will be unemployed long before then.

Defeated, ALEXANDER slams a glass of wine, rises from the table and shakes the alien’s replicated hand, departing.

ALEXANDER
Thank you for your time. I have to be in L.A. for ‘another thing.’

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO APT. – GRAND ISLAND – RAINY NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSITION
CHAPTER IV – A NEW HOPE

Returning to Grand Island late at night, ALEXANDER walks into the bedroom, greeting SHIVA, bong in grasp. ALEXANDER kisses her cheek and walks toward the time clock, reaching for a time card.

SHIVA
(Giggling) Hey, will T Rex have his say in the Newer Testament? … (Bong hit) Did you get the job? … (Bong hit) Hey, what are you doing? (Bong hit, bong hack)

ALEXANDER
I’m punching in.

FADE OUT: