Just troubles

Really wanted to come on here under a new name because there are a few people who know who I really am, but screw it, I am secure in myself and what the process is and I just need a place to vent for a second and here seems like a place as good as any and has been a good place for many to express themselves pretty darn freely in the past and it work out pretty well.
So here goes.
I am a drug addict. Have been for years, and it hasn't caused me a lot of problems. I have been functional and have always been able to do what I need to do to make sure that nobody ever really knew what was going on below the surface with me.
The reason I am coming here is that I need to change. Over the last two months I have gone to the hospital once and have been kicked out of my house twice by my amazing wife, something I never thought in a million years would happen. I always thought I was in control, which I guess is the lie we always tell ourselves.
The shame and guilt of what I have become is bringing to the surface all those dark thoughts that likely sent me down this rabbit hole, and there's a huge part of me that wants to just find a way to make everything go dark and never turn the lights on again.
I am currently finally in counseling, and will begin an outpatient rehab program next week (it was the earliest they could get me in for evaluation), so those are significant first steps for me (I quit drugs before cold turkey 10 years ago but relapsed two years ago and have been off the wagon ever since).
I guess I am putting this out there just because I know there are people out there who have either been through what I am going through or are even going through it right now. I don't have a lot of positive things to say about myself, but I KNOW I am going to kick this thing and get my family back. I don't have a lot of hope for myself, but I do have hope that I can get clean and be a good father again, and that's really all that matters to me anymore.
Thanks for listening, and I just hope that if you are in the same situation that I am that you go seek help. The rabbit hole is deep and dark, but you have to poke your head out someday, come up and get some air.

 

Good luck, PR. I have nothing but sympathy. You'll beat this.

 

That amazing wife? She saw something in you before that was worth marrying. No matter how down you are on yourself right now, he's still there somewhere. Find him.

Thoughts and prayers.

 

Listen to Ms. Tart.

Keep moving forward.

 

I've been where you are, Roy. You've taken a good first step.

If you need or want advice or someone to vent to, shoot me a PM.

Best of luck to you.

 

Best wishes, Roy. Kick its ass!

 

You are taking the right steps already. You are admitting you have a problem. Good luck.

 

Roy,

That was a very brave post, and you're very brave in facing this head-on, no matter how long it has taken you to get there. I have every faith in you.

 

Best of luck. We're all rooting for you, and your family.

 

PR, you've taken the first steps and those are often the most difficult.

Make the journey and stay the course. Keep us updated.

All the best ...

 

Thanks for all the kind words. I'm really feeling sick right now and I'm just trying to get through this shift and put out a decent paper and your words are helping me through it. Thanks again everyone.

 

Take it or not...but I'm prayin' for ya.