My New Neighbor -- What to Do?

Clearly, I'm late to the party. I hang my head in shame.

 

Damn, that was my next suggestion.

Rent an RV for a while and park it right in front of his house.

 

Nah. Give him Flash's picture and phone number and when he texts her inappropriate messages, you've got him by the balls.

 

Make a trip to the local pit bull rescue.
I had a similar problem with one of my neighbors who decided he wanted to take his riding mower out to my backyard (which would've been a lawsuit waiting to happen, given the two decent-sized gopher holes), and called animal control one afternoon because my golden retriever was barking a bit more than usual (while not doing a blessed thing about our other neighbor's legendary July 4 party which resulted in my finding three spent bottle rockets on my deck the next morning). Might've been explained by a sight I saw a few weeks later: punky grandchildren reaching over (and under) the fence trying to pull his tail and/or feet. I had to take him to the vet shortly after because he had a persistent limp (luckily, temporarily). Didn't have the evidence to successfully pin it on the kids, though.
Haven't spoken to these S-bags in years. Given how noisy their pool parties get, they probably know better than to screw around with me again.

 

No no no. Give me his cell number so I can text him inappropriate message. Better yet, give me the wife's cell ...

 

Show him how committed to the town your are in Ocotber/November. Put out lots of campaign yard signs in your yard -- only for candidates running for office in town. Since you're a journalist, put them out for all the candidates so you're not being biased. Tell him its your way of taking pride in the democratic process in town, making sure people remember to vote and they know who all the candidates are.

 

Jesus. Remind me never to live next to any of you people.

 

Especially Zeke. I'd be scared to step on his grass for fear that he'd paint a giant dick on the side of my house.

 

Nah, I'm a sweetheart.

 

You're sending porn subscriptions for donkey punch and fisting fetish magazines to my house right now, aren't you?

 

Let's put it this way: I hope you can read German.

 

You sir, are a heartless bastard.