My parents

Are Nuts.

Long post ... sorry ... I need to vent, and write this out so I can work it out.


I love them, but they are.
My mother has a been depressed, religious whack job for decades. She's also the self-appointed moral compass for the family, including her extended family (her brothers, sisters, in-laws and their kids). She's also a burned-out kindergarten teacher. You know the kind I am talking about, once-loved and Loved kids, but over time, has become bitter and tired of kids and their parents. Her burnout has extended to the grand kids.
She's told all the kids who to better raise their kids. And she's fighting with most of her siblings and my oldest sister.

My dad ... has mellowed a great deal over the years. My brother's suicide had a profound, positive effect, on him. But, he still has issues. Anger issues. He will EXPLODE over trivial things. This has been magnified the last few years by pain in his knee (botched knee replacement surgery).

For several summers my parents will take my kids for a week. My oldest enjoys it. My younger two do not!
My youngest has a very vivid recollection of my mom yelling at him because he didn't like what she made for dinner and he wouldn't eat it. He was 9.
My middle son, also has issues with my parents and them "being mean" about stuff, like eating dinner. This happened Saturday as well.

My oldest enjoys going down. He likes the outdoors. He's a gear head and loves to fish. he's my only child who enjoys being there.
Monday night my dad called. We came home Sunday after my oldest had spent a week with them. Monday, dad wanted to talk to me. Long story short: my son, his friend and my nephew snuck out sodas, pretzels and stuff out dad's camper to go go fishing and they left a mess on the guy's property where they were fishing. The guy called my dad's brother, who called dad, who called me (and my sister). He was going to take the kids back to PA (4 and half hours away) this morning to pick up the trash they left (this is a 2 minute job) and apologize to the property owner. He wanted me to bring kid No. 1 an hour away this morning to meet him so he could take them up there. I declined. Instead my dad came up here (from 2 hours away) to pick up my kid to take him and his cousin to pick up the trash this morning (235 miles away). And then they were coming home. I think my dad is nuts. And this is clearly about more than trash, right?

I called my mom about this ... "is he serious," kind of thing. ... Yes, he was serious and she had his back on this. She then bursts into tears (this is 1 of 2 mechanisms my mom has to discuss things, the other being yelling) telling me how horrible and disrespectful my son was to them all week. She found trash (candy wrappers under his bed) and he didn't listen. She wraps things up by telling me she's worried what's going to happen with the cops bring him my door (for some future juvenile offense). At this point, we "paused" the conversation, I told her I was hanging up and she hung up. I should note: that before we left on Sunday, my wife vacuumed my mom's house including the room where my son was staying.

Here's the thing ... This was the first I heard of this. And some it I find hard to beleive.
My kid does not pick up after himself. I have to ride him with spurs to pick up after him. When they say he leaves messes and trash and stuff out I beleive them. He admitted to leaving the garbage out in Pa.
But he's never been disrespectful. When he's nervous he talks fast and mumbles. And my dad has hearing issues. My dad got mad at him about riding the 4-wheeler. he asked to ride it around the yard. and then headed to the woods, without clearing it with my dad. Dad told him about it and that was it. It happened once. As far as I know and not again, but obviously it is an issue. because both he and my mom brought it up last night.

My dad blew up Sunday afternoon at my No. 3 about shooting bb guns in the driveway. Something they have done before. He was almost irrational about it (worrying he was going to hit cars (which were parked behind everyone and blocked by brick extension of the house). Then he was pissed because they got the potato launcher out (which he claims to have hidden). Again, this was something we do every summer. Clearly there is something going on. Something bothering them related to my kid(s).

I think my parents want to spend time with my kids, but my kids no longer want to do that. And after this, I don't know ...

 

That stuff can get very tricky. We have had some issues with my mother-in-law not listening very well and doing whatever she wants with my daughter. It is never anything major. The one that sticks out most was letting her watch R-rated movies a few years ago when we still weren't allowing it. But the small disagreements are worth putting up with for the relationship they have.

You are certainly facing some uncomfortable conversations with your parents, but they are conversations worth having. They are your kids and of course you have to do what you think is best, so this is just me stating my opinion on relating with parents, especially when it comes to your own children. Though you are always the boss when it comes to your children, the relationships they have with their grandparents are very important and it is worth doing what you can to maintain them. I don't think you will ever find yourself regretting time you spent trying to help your parents and your children connect.

I must admit some bias on the subject, at least in part because both of my parents are gone. Also, my mother's parents were a huge influence on me. Because my parents' marriage was a mess, my grandparents were my role models when it comes to relationships. They weren't perfect, but they were utterly devoted to one another. I have never forgotten the examples of kindness, decency and strength they set for me even though they have both been gone for 30 years.

My daughter never got to know her grandfathers. My father died long before she was born and my father-in-law died when she was an infant. Maybe that is why she formed such strong bonds with her grandmothers. My mother-in-law is the only grandparent she has left and I love how close they are. I also saw the impact of my mother's death on my daughter. Though we lived seven hours away, my daughter would call her all the time. She never let it go more than a week, but at some point, my daughter got caught up in the stuff teenagers get caught up in and forgot about calling her grandmother for over a month. I didn't realize it had gone on that long and my mother wasn't the type to say anything. My daughter struggled with her guilt when my mother died, afraid that her grandmother thought she didn't love her. Two years and many reassuring conversations later, she seems to have forgiven herself, but I wish I could fix that for her.

I absolutely get the concern you have regarding your parents' behavior. I just have some experience that tells me how much it sucks when kids don't have their grandparents around.

 

Your parents need to chill the fuck out, or they'll never see your family again. Fuck that shit.

 

This might be my hatred of litter speaking, but am I the only one who thinks the grandfather really went the extra mile—extra few hundred miles—to teach his grandson an important lesson?

It is entirely possible that I'm the only one who thinks so.

And either way, buddy, I know this must be very hard, and being in the middle sucks. My parents are hugely loving grandparents (and parents), but we have had our differences on the kid front, but the opposite to you—I sometimes think they're too indulgent and soft.

As someone who has had some fractured family stuff, now healed, I would say that you should try to be the shepherd here. It is no good for your soul.

 

The kids might be a little naughty and your parents might be a little nuts. And the kids might be a little naughty.

Parents are definitely more lenient now and let the kids get away with not doing all of the little things they should be doing. (pick up after your self, ask permission to do things, apologize)

 

Nah. It's a total Costanza ...

 

Could have worked out a better scenario and taught the kid a lesson about littering.
Discuss with property owner and have the kid go clean property or cut grass or rake or something for a few hours next time he's up that way.

Also, I would get the property owners contact info from my father and contact the man myself to apologize for my son's actions.
I'd provide some disciplinary action at home for the son and assure the property owner that I was taking such action, and then I would ask him for input on a way in which my son could rectify the situation and learn a lesson next time he's up there.

As for spending time with relatives, especially grandparents, I don't think I consider the children's opinion on the matter relevant until maybe 16-18 range.
You go to spend time with your grandparents because they want to see you. your desire to spend time with them or not is not part of the calculus.

 

That is a sensible take, especially that last part. As parents, there are things we push our children to do because it is important for them. When they are younger, they may not appreciate their grandparents, but that will likely change as they grow up. Maybe that's the perspective of a man who hasn't had a living grandparent in 30 years, but there is so much I wish I could talk with them about even now.

When we cleaned out my mother's apartment, we found boxes full of old pictures. I was fascinated by some of the old shots of my grandparents, especially the ones around the time of World War II. They were still relative newlyweds. My mother, their only child, wasn't born until after the war, when my grandfather had returned from Europe with a Purple Heart and a permanent limp. He was very lucky to have returned at all. But most of the shots were from before he went.

The best picture was the two of them dressed to go to the beach, my grandfather's arm draped around my grandmother. When I looked more closely, I realized he actually had his hand on her breast and a mischievous smile on his face. I was stunned, but in a good way. It humanized this person I never got to speak with man-to-man because he was gone before I reached adulthood. If you don't help your children build those relationships when they are young, those conversations won't happen even if their grandparents are still around when your children grow up.

Sorry for another tangent. My grandmother's brother, the last surviving member of that generation of my family, passed away about a month ago. His death has me wondering what it must have been like for him to grow up with four siblings, then outlive them all by so many years.

 

I'd draw a line in the sand, and make that the last time your kid(s) spend time alone with your parents.

Was your son in the wrong? Yes. Was it worth a nuclear meltdown? Not even close. I'm with Buck here - this was a teachable moment, and still can be. But for your father to basically label him a horrible kid because he did what kids do is silly.

I have a nephew who is 20 years old and has some severe behavioral issues. Kicked out of school before he ever got to high school, has destroyed hotel rooms when getting pissed while on family vacations, job as a dishwasher, smokes pot constantly, has threatened to kill both of his parents, really no future other than living with his parents, spending their money and ruining their lives and happiness. Spent about 5 years at hugely expensive boarding-type schools for kids with such issues. One year, the family was going on vacation to Aruba, and he didn't want to leave his little dead-end girlfriend, even for a week and for that trip. So he told his father if he has to go on this trip, he was going to take a baseball bat to every inch of the dad's new Mercedes. Lucky the father is insanely successful and can afford that, but their lives are miserable.

I often think of them and their situation when my kids do things to annoy me. It could always be worse, and if your parents can't realize that these things are relatively minor, and cut their grandchildren a little bit of slack, screw them.