New Joke Thread

Hey, in these times, we can all use a laugh. I'll get it started.

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wif e thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that
it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Monday at noon. Closed coffin.

 

You never hear people use the expression 'good grief' anymore. Why is that?
Hey, what's the deal with airline food?
Did you ever notice that you can put two matching socks in the dyrer but only one comes out?

 

Dear Mr. Advice,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

 

Niiiice

 

That was awesome.

 

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks.

The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "No, I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

 

A middle-aged guy was having trouble with "the plumbing," and after weeks of putting off seeing his family doctor about finally gave in. The doc hums and haws, scratches his chin and finally tells the man he has to see a specialist — the best doctor in the field, it turns out, who just happens to be a female urologist, 28 years old, fresh out of med school and hot as hell.

With trepidation, the man goes to see the doc. He nervously waits in the examination room for the doc, is still a bit shy when she comes in and orders him to drop trou, but starts to loosen up when the examination begins.

Twenty minutes into the examination, the doc looks our guy square in the eye. "You have to stop masturbating," she says.

The guy is shocked. "Why? What's wrong?" he asks.

The doc replies: "Because it's 10 minutes until my next appointment, and I still haven't finished the examination!"

 

Okay, there were these two teenaged brothers, and they had foul mouths on them that would have made Richard Pryor blush. Their mom had tried just about everything she could think of to make them stop swearing - grounding, taking away privileges, reasoning, screaming....nothing had worked. She was fed up.

She was in the kitchen making breakfast one morning when one of the brothers comes downstairs and walks into the kitchen. The mom says, "good morning, what would you like for breakfast?" The kid says, "well, I think I'll have some of those fucking pancakes."

POW!!!

The mom wheels around without saying a word and busts the kid right in the face. Lays him out cold, right there on the kitchen floor. Breaks his nose, knocks out a couple of teeth. The other kid, hearing the commotion, rushes downstairs. He arrives to see his brother lying unconscious in a widening pool of his own blood, their mom standing over him, her fists clenched, her teeth bared.

"And what do YOU want for breakfast?!" she snarls.

The kid swallows hard. "Well," he says, "I don't think I want any of those fucking pancakes."

 

A guy checks into a hotel and says to the clerk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," the clerk replies. "It's regular porn, you sick bastard.

 

Q-How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
A-She fits into your wife's clothes.

 

That's great!