Olympic athlete feature

Hey, I'm an intern at a 45-50K shop and I was hoping to get feedback on this feature I just wrote. Thanks!


Listening to Brian Harper recount some of Olympian Sam Sacksen’s exploits at the Unified Training Center, you get the sense that you’re hearing the tales of a special person who has made himself into a special athlete.
Despite what his svelte 6-foot-2, 175 pound frame would lead you to believe, Sacksen is far from your typical athlete. The word that may best describe him is random.
“We had reached the end of one of our (fencing) matches and I asked him if he wanted to go for ten more minutes,” Harper said. “He said ‘yeah, we’ll do one more match, but let’s make it seven minutes.’ And I asked him why and he said ‘because that’s more random.’”
It’s that randomness that makes Sacksen a special athlete, and makes him a favorite to earn a gold medal in Beijing later this summer.
Sacksen is competing in what would be safe to call the most grueling Olympic event you’ve never heard of: the pentathlon. The pentathlon consists of five different events which the participants must complete in two days. The event begins with shooting a 22-caliber pistol at stationary target 10-meters away, followed by one-touch fencing bouts, a 200-meter freestyle swimming competition, equestrian show-jumping and a 3K marathon.
The pentathlon is considered to be the true sport of the Olympics, with the five events corresponding to the five Olympic rings, and the versatility required of the athletes being on display. The strain placed on them is mental as much as it is physical.
“That’s really the thing,” Sacksen said. “The fencing is the toughest because it’s three hours and you’ll win some and lose some and have your emotions rise and fall. At the end of the day because of all the roller coasters you have to go down you’re tired. ”
That’s where Sacksen’s randomness comes in. It’s serves as a way to keep him relaxed as the pressure of a fencing match or shooting competition rises and the stress of training grows. And according to Harper that is the key to not burning out after several months of waking up at 6 AM to train.
“I think it keeps him fresh,” said Harper. “It would seem pretty easy to get sick of doing the same work outs day after day. He’s been doing the same thing for three years and he still seems excited. I think there’s an art to a multi-discipline guy like him so you can keep doing it year in and year out. He seems like he’s pulling it off.”
Obviously, Sacksen’s commitment plays a significant role as well. A biology major at the Univerrsity of Colorado, Sacksen took the spring semester of school off and will likely take the fall semester off as well.
And while most students might use a trip to Florida as a chance to visit the beaches, his five-day trip to Gainesville (he returns to Colorado on July 12) was an opportunity for him to work with his old equestrian coach Henriette Eppenauer. Eppenauer, who works at the Canterbury Showplace in Newberry, began working with Sacksen in Pennsylvania when he was 15.
The pair kept in touch over the years despite Sacksen attending college in Colorado and Eppenauer moving to Gainesville. Following a few disappointing finishes in his most recent equestrian show-jumping events he decided to make the trip down to Gainesville to freshen up his skills.
“It’s just like anything else when you move away from it and stop doing it for a while you forget the nuances of it,” Eppenauer said. “He’s been able to rebuild his confidence and learn how to work with different horses.”
It was Eppenauer, whose son also works with Harper, who introduced her protégé to Harper to help keep his fencing skills fresh. Interestingly, it may have worked the other way around. Harper, 59, has been fencing for 42 years and is a Class-B fencer, while Sacksen who has been for just three years is a Class-A fencer.
“He forces me to be a bit more precise in my movements,” Harper said. “If I’m just a little bit off in a move he can take advantage of it. He’s got a great combination of physical talent and skill.”
It’s a combination that may be random, but is certainly special.

 

Pretty good, but the one part I wasn't crazy about was:

“We had reached the end of one of our (fencing) matches and I asked him if he wanted to go for ten more minutes,” Harper said. “He said ‘yeah, we’ll do one more match, but let’s make it seven minutes.’ And I asked him why and he said ‘because that’s more random.’”
It’s that randomness that makes Sacksen a special athlete, and makes him a favorite to earn a gold medal in Beijing later this summer.

Because I'm just not sure why wanting to do a 7-minute match instead of 10 makes him a special athlete, and what that has to do with making him be a favorite to earn a gold medal.

The writing is there, I'm just not sure I understand what that has to do with anything, and it kind of stuck out to me.

 

I'm going to agree with Jay...

Random = special?

a paragraph exploring why random = special would be great. Undefined regiment allows for creative thinking, random is fun, fun is better just look at Brett Favre. Something like that.

The writing was good. There are a few places where I question word choice. But I don't know the circumstances of the writing (deadline/not deadline) so I will refrain from being a nitpicker.

In the end, it captured my interest for the whole piece, which in the end, is what you want.

 

What I was going for was that his "randomness" keeps all the hard work and preparation fun for him, and all that work is what makes him a special athlete.

I guess I could have tried to make it a bit more clear.

 

X,

Listening to Brian Harper recount some of Olympian Sam Sacksen’s exploits at the Unified Training Center, you get the sense that you’re hearing the tales of a special person who has made himself into a special athlete. I think I'd rather see and hear from the special athlete etc first. Can you set a scene other than it being an interview?
Despite what his svelte 6-foot-2, 175 pound frame would lead you to believe, Sacksen is far from your typical athlete. The word that may best describe him is random.
“We had reached the end of one of our (fencing) matches and I asked him if he wanted to go for ten more minutes,” Harper said. “He said ‘yeah, we’ll do one more match, but let’s make it seven minutes.’ And I asked him why and he said ‘because that’s more random.’”
It’s that randomness that makes Sacksen a special athlete, and makes him a favorite to earn a gold medal in Beijing later this summer. I'm lost on this point about randomness, a pretty awkward and jarring word. I get a sense--and I'm just guessing--that he is in an unpredictable event and thus learns to deal with the twists and turns by unpredictable, less than orderly or routine training. But I have to guess that.
Sacksen is competing in what would be safe to call the most grueling Olympic event you’ve never heard of: the pentathlon. The pentathlon consists of five different events which the participants must complete in two days. The event begins with shooting a 22-caliber pistol at stationary target 10-meters away, followed by one-touch fencing bouts, a 200-meter freestyle swimming competition, equestrian show-jumping and a 3K marathon.
The pentathlon is considered to be the true sport not le mot juste, I think you could say that it flies under the radar now but captured the Olympic experience, dating back to etcof the Olympics, with the five events corresponding to the five Olympic rings, and the versatility required of the athletes being on display. The strain placed on them is mental as much as it is physical.
“That’s really the thing,” Sacksen said. “The fencing is the toughest because it’s three hours and you’ll win some and lose some and have your emotions rise and fall. At the end of the day because of all the roller coasters you have to go down you’re tired. ”
That’s where Sacksen’s randomness comes in. Actually, it came in before, but wasn't explained. This has to be closer to the first mention. Or, probably, move the first mention of the "randomness" down below your explanation of what the sport is, readers almost certainly not versed in itIt’s serves as a way to keep him relaxed as the pressure of a fencing match or shooting competition rises and the stress of training grows. And according to Harper that is the key to not burning out after several months of waking up at 6 AM to train.
“I think it keeps him fresh,” said Harper. “It would seem pretty easy to get sick of doing the same work outs day after day. He’s been doing the same thing for three years and he still seems excited. I think there’s an art to a multi-discipline guy like him so you can keep doing it year in and year out. He seems like he’s pulling it off.”
Obviously, Sacksen’s commitment plays a significant role as well. A biology major at the Univerrsity of Colorado, Sacksen took the spring semester of school off and will likely take the fall semester off as well.
And while most students might use a trip to Florida as a chance to visit the beaches, his five-day trip to Gainesville (he returns to Colorado on July 12) was an opportunity for him to work with his old equestrian coach Henriette Eppenauer. Eppenauer, who works at the Canterbury Showplace in Newberry, began working with Sacksen in Pennsylvania when he was 15.
The pair kept in touch over the years despite Sacksen attending college in Colorado and Eppenauer moving to Gainesville. Following a few disappointing finishes in his most recent equestrian show-jumping events he decided to make the trip down to Gainesville to freshen up his skills.
“It’s just like anything else when you move away from it and stop doing it for a while you forget the nuances of it,” Eppenauer said. “He’s been able to rebuild his confidence and learn how to work with different horses.”
It was Eppenauer, whose son also works with Harper, who introduced her protégé to Harper to help keep his fencing skills fresh. Interestingly, it may have worked the other way around. Harper, 59, has been fencing for 42 years and is a Class-B fencer, while Sacksen who has been has been what? training seriously, picked up a foil with serious intentions, something more needed herefor just three years is a Class-A fencer.
“He forces me to be a bit more precise in my movements,” Harper said. “If I’m just a little bit off in a move he can take advantage of it. He’s got a great combination of physical talent and skill.”
It’s a combination that may be random, but is certainly special.

I feel like quotes from the subject are needed. And I can't stand the word "special." Thanks to Dana Carvey--sincere thanks--it's a pejorative.

YD&OHS, etc