Pickup lines that never, ever work

So after the game tonight, I'm dead ass tired and I go to the hotel bar for a cold one and some takeout.

There are four people in the bar besides me: a young couple in their 20s, a woman about 30 and a guy we'll call Vinnie from Long Island.

Vinnie's trying to chat up the woman. Hard. He's working it. She's not interested.

She thinks she's cut him off at the knees when she says she's married and her husband is serving in Iraq.

Vinnie asks if they have kids.

"No," she says.

Whereupon Vinnie launches into a long story about how he and his wife had to go the artificial insemination route.

"Yeah, they stuck five eggs in her and one took," Vinnie says.

The woman says nothing.

"Yeah, we had to go that route because she got a really bad case of gonorrhea when she was 17 and it basically destroyed her fallopian tubes."

Woman leaves.

Thank you for playing, Vinnie. As your consolation prize, your wife wins an "I'm With Dicksnort" t-shirt in her choice of colors.

 

Along those same lines....

I swear, it's not a herpe!

 

You're with me, leather.

 

End of thread.

 

Was at a hotel bar recently and this 70-year-old man tried picking me up.

His words, after some drinks -- not together, mind you -- and my mistakenly telling him I'm a sports journalist, was:
"Ya know, let's just combine and shake up some little blue pills, me, you, and about 24 hours and we can watch the NBA finals together tomorrow night"
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In case you were wondering, I don't think Dwyane Wade needed our "combined" assistance to beat the Mavs. UGH!

 

Want to go halves on a bastard child?

 

Hey baby, wanna wrestle?

 

Wanna come back to my place for a pizza and a fuck? No? What's the matter, you don't like pizza?

 

Wow, spnited gets around.

 

The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

 

So, did you take him up on the offer?

 

Um, that would be a negative ghostwriter.