RIP Aaron Spelling

Eight seconds?

 

Andyoucanputitontheboard,Yes!

Maybe longer if he has to y'know, add the commas and shit.

 

Took 51 seconds to answer. You're slipping.

 

Reading his obit... Born on Browder Street in Dallas.

So Spelling was a Texas Jewboy at least 30 years before Kinky ever was.

 

Sorry for my late arrival, gang (insert your own punch line there). As soon as I heard of Spelling's death, I raced to The Peach Pit, where I met up with the ol' gang and poured 40s on the sidewalk. Then Nat invited us in for mega burgers.

On behalf of sportsjournalists.com, let me express my sincerest condolences on the passing of Aaron Spelling and the subsequent deaths of the careers of his kids, Tori and Randy. What ever will they do now that daddy no longer has shows for them to appear on? WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

It's hard to convey just how meaningful Mr. Spelling was to me and millions of white suburbanites. For 15 years, Beverly Hills 90210 has provided an escape from our idyllic lives by chronicling the idyllic lives of other white suburbanites. It is a cycle from which none of us can escape...nor do we wish to.

90210 taught us so many things. For instance:

--Life is random. Why, for instance, does Andrea Zuckerman live and Scott Scanlon die? Both are geeks. It's just random
--If you are a dorky white kid with no rhythm, no singing voice and a virginal girlfriend, you will get all sorts of hot ass
--If you need to acquire an egg to gain admittance to an underground night club, you will very likely have your drink spiked by your psycho hosebeast girlfriend and end up all fucked up
--Black people are nice, as long as they only make one appearance on your street in 10 years
--Gun control laws only apply to the cool kids
--Steroids are wide spread among high school track teams
--You can drink at the prom and still graduate as long as you are popular
--If you are adopted, your mom is probably a lesbian
--If you have a bad heart and have to quit playing football, Steve Young will visit you at Thanksgiving
--If you have a cousin you haven't seen since she was a kid, she is fucking smoking hot with huge ass ta-tas
--If the girl from Remote Control wants to produce your record, you are going to get laid
--The legacy key can only fuck you in the ass, especially if the janitor knows
--If someone calls you fat, you'll eat diet pills until you pass out
--If someone goes to Europe for the summer, she's gone forever
--It's a short path from gambling on football to degenerate gambling on basketball
--The daughter of the college president is always psycho
--When your psycho hosebeast ex comes out of the house wearing your Twins jersey, she's going to torch the Homecoming float

I'd go on but I can't see the screen with all these tears in my eyes.

God bless you, Mr. Spelling. And say hi to Toni Marchette, Jack McKay, Donna's dad and of course Scott Gunkid.

 

1. BYH, it's an honor.
2. The fact that you actually remember that Scott Gunkid's actual name was Scanlon scares the shit out of me
3. One more time, for Aaron...

Donna Martin Graduates! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!

 

Actually, Brenda and Donna went to Paris for the summer, and then Brenda went to London when she left the show.

The 90210 True Hollywood Story was on the other day.

 

That was some weakass shit when Superman showed up and Brenda put on the badass French accent.

 

Dean Cain and weakass shit kind of go together.

 

Heeello Reek? Vhat are you doeeng here?

Then Superman ends up with a man crush on Jim.

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain
Too much love drives a man insane You broke my will, but what a thrill
Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire

Pound those keys, Jim!!! POUND THOSE KEYS!!!

Also, I forgot two other things 90210 taught us:
--If you end up trapped in a fire with a girl in a bathroom, she'll develop a lesbian crush on you
--Your mom's new lover will invariably be a crook who wants to steal your inheritence and take your sister to Mexico

 

Wow... RIP...

I heard Tori Spelling on Howard Stern a few months back and it sounded like she was estranged from both of her parents. She said they had never met her then-fiancee and I know they weren't invited to the wedding... She said on the show that she didn't expect to inherit anything from them because they're not on good terms...

 

Yeah, I read somewhere the last couple of days that Tori had seen her dad for the first time in about nine months.
That told me right there that it wasn't a "minor" stroke.
Hope she didn't get disinherited during that period, or husband No. 2 will have to get that new tattoo removed and go back to the Canadian talk-show host and their kids.

And as for the 90210 memories, you guys frighten me. You should get out more. You really, really, really, should. ;D