SJ.COM All-purpose dating thread

[Sandoval]

I apologize in advance for the long post. I've had a shirtty month in the dating department. A while back on this thread I mentioned that I was going out on a first date with a girl. Well that girl ended up being just about batshirt crazy and too clingy within like a week of when we started dating. So I broke things off a couple days before my spring break, which was nice because it allowed me to just go to NYC, watch some basketball, hang out with family and friends and not worry about dating stuff.

Well, the Thursday night I was in NYC I couldn't get tickets to the night session of the Big East Tournament and instead went to Brooklyn with my friend to meet up with his gf and her best friend. I hit it off instantly with the friend and we danced together the whole night at the bar until it closed around 230.

*Side note: That was the night of the 6 OT Cuse-UCONN game and so while dancing I was also texting my best friend from home to get updates on the game and I was kind of pissed that I missed it. IJAG also texted me about the game, but when I texted back that I was dancing with a girl she told me to stop being an idiot and stop texting her

Anyway, back to the girl. So I got her number at the end of the night and we texted all night on Friday but she was exhausted from work and couldn't go out. Instead, we met up for lunch on Saturday since I was leaving soon after that. The lunch went well and when we got to the subway station I was unsure and just went for a hug, but she pulled my face in and gave me a goodbye kiss. At this point I felt pretty good about how things were going.

From there, we talked every day for the next two weeks and really seemed to have a connection. The only thing that sucked was the four hour drive in between us. It happened to work out, though, that my roommate was going down to NYC last weekend for teacher certification tests and so it was a perfect opportunity for me to visit this girl for a day and actually get to hang out in person. So I went down and while she was a little tough to read during parts of the night, things ended up going really well. I stayed at her place and we made breakfast in the morning and in general I was happy with my decision to go see her.

I got back Saturday night, but she was with her family from Saturday through Sunday so I didn't hear much from her beyond a few texts, which was fine. But then I didn't hear from her all Monday despite the fact that I left her a message saying that I had a great time and hope she did as well and that I liked her and wanted to see where things would go. On Tuesday morning I woke up and she IM'd me said straightaway that she just wanted to be friends. Her reasoning being that we were far away and each busy finishing up our last month at college. I'm fine with that because it is sound reasoning since we don't know where we'll be after school.

However, it's not like she said that she likes me and would be willing to see where things go if we end up in the same place after graduation. Reading between the lines it seemed like she only sees me as a friend, but that's definitely not the impression I got from the night I was in the city. She had to run, so I couldn't get more of an explanation and then when I tried to talk to her that night she didn't respond. I talked to her briefly online on Thursday but didn't have time to really press the issue and get more of an explanation. If this is the way she felt the whole time then she should have told me so I didn't waste my time visiting her. And if this was a new development, then I want to know what changed between me leaving and Tuesday when she said she just wanted to be friends. The moral of the story, I still don't understand women at all.

Very similar to something I went through, except that I flew to NY to see the girl, then drove 6 hours to see her again a few weeks later. Everything seemed great, until she suddenly stopped returning phone calls and texts. After a week of that she said it was over. Found out later that she told people she didn't think I really liked her that much. Because, of course, I routinely book flights to see girls that I don't really like that much....

 

[CA_journo]

Dre... sorry about that. Girls can be really complicated, especially at this age.

OK, so... I'll just jump right into this. I'm 22 and the woman I'm interested in is apparently in her mid-30s. She looks like she's in her mid-to-late 20s. We went to a game the other night, not as a date, but as a group outing with other friends, and I think we hit it off well (not outstanding, but well is a fair adjective).

I think the age difference is a good thing because, mentally, I'm not 22. I'm done with college, employed and pretty much on my own. I don't have much interest in dating a girl my age because it seems like unless they're already in a relationship, they only want to play around. Which is fine. They're young, they've got their entire life to find someone. Have some "fun." Being a toy doesn't really do it for me.

I think she understands that I'm not just some kid, so that's a good thing. It seems like she feels younger than her age, so maybe, mentally, we meet in the middle? She lives in a different part of the state, but visits here often, and I'll be down there a few times, too. She's really cool, and seems to have what I'm looking for in a girl. I've had a couple friends who have made long-distance relationships work, but they say it's hard, something I'm not doubting. How should I go about this, with the age and geographic differences, or is it just too much trouble?

Thanks... I don't really post often, but I read a lot. You all (well, most of you) are pretty cool.

 

[TrooperBari]

I don't know. I was thinking about this the other night and there's a good chance that part of the reason I'm shying away is because the last relationship I was in ended so badly that the only way I made it through it was because I had good friends there with me and a good therapist to prescribe me drugs so I could eat and sleep and function. Even though I've lived here in Kentucky for 10 months, I'm still not completely in my comfort zone and I don't have those close friends that I did.

I'm scared. Relationships suck when you overthink them, which I am really good at.

Wenders, you sound more than slightly apprehensive. That list doesn't sound like a very good list for a guy. Sounds like you have already made up your mind not to date him but you just haven't realized it yet.

Agreed. Have you told this guy about your frustrations, Wenders? Maybe he'll get a clue when he finds out his 'too cool for school' routine isn't having the desired effect.

-----------------

Giving up: Don't think I'm at that point yet, but I can see it from here. I was always under the impression that the dating process was supposed to be fun.

 

[waterytart]

OK, guys, I know being long-term married automatically disqualifies me in some of your eyes from having an opinion on this, but here goes:

This is the easy part.

You are supposed to be spending your time now going out to dinner, getting laid, going to the movies, getting laid, going out dancing and getting laid.

Every hour you are spending with someone who can't get their act together enough to manage that much is truly wasted.

You really don't want them to be the person who has your back when real life intrudes.

 

[Trouser_Buddah]

Great advice.

I've wasted more than my share of time with women who weren't 'available' for one reason or another.

It should be relatively easy when you first meet someone. If you have to fight for attention or affection or their time, it probably wasn't meant to be.

Nobody should settle for less.

 

[Double J]

Giving up: Don't think I'm at that point yet, but I can see it from here. I was always under the impression that the dating process was supposed to be fun.

I didn't necessarily think it would be fun, but somehow I thought it would be something more than a barren wasteland of psycho hosebeasts and seemingly normal women who love to play mind games.

 

[Wenders]

I don't know. I was thinking about this the other night and there's a good chance that part of the reason I'm shying away is because the last relationship I was in ended so badly that the only way I made it through it was because I had good friends there with me and a good therapist to prescribe me drugs so I could eat and sleep and function. Even though I've lived here in Kentucky for 10 months, I'm still not completely in my comfort zone and I don't have those close friends that I did.

I'm scared. Relationships suck when you overthink them, which I am really good at.

Wenders, you sound more than slightly apprehensive. That list doesn't sound like a very good list for a guy. Sounds like you have already made up your mind not to date him but you just haven't realized it yet.

Agreed. Have you told this guy about your frustrations, Wenders? Maybe he'll get a clue when he finds out his 'too cool for school' routine isn't having the desired effect.

Now I can't get him to call me back. Oh, and he never formally asked me out.

And before you guys tell me to ask HIM out, this is my thoughts on that: a really good friend of mine had a yardstick for this kind of thing: if he's a guy I can see myself with, I'll make the time for him and I'll actively try to make him interested.

I'm not sure I can see myself with him. So if he doesn't make any sort of concerted effort here, I'll just move on. But as of right now, he's not giving me any reason to clear out space in my life for him.

 

[Gene Parmesan]

If you're not sure you can see yourself with him, why are you bothering worrying about it? Seems to me your actions don't line up with what you're saying.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

Great advice.

I've wasted more than my share of time with women who weren't 'available' for one reason or another.

It should be relatively easy when you first meet someone. If you have to fight for attention or affection or their time, it probably wasn't meant to be.

Nobody should settle for less.

Bingo.

 

[AMacIsaac]

If you're not sure you can see yourself with him, why are you bothering worrying about it? Seems to me your actions don't line up with what you're saying.

Agreed. Time to just let him go if she's not interested.

 

[RossLT]

The other day I was joking around with one of the guys I work with about how I thought one of the girls here was rather attractive. So my buddy was talking to her and I guess my name came up ("Hey, Ross thinks you are hot" effin big mouth). She told him that I should ask her out sometime.

Feels a little 6th gradeish but whatever.

 

[Gene Parmesan]

It's shocking how well being honest works with women.