Your Chance to Join NIAFL Football: The Essay Contest

To: All SportsJournalists.com Members

Fr: The No Idiots Allowed Fantasy League – Football Division

As you may know, the NIAFL is an invitation-only fantasy league that exists mainly to a) provide top level competition among select players who understand the game, exhibit violent and psychotic passion about the outcome, and generally speaking, are not idiots (notwithstanding any of the above), and b) make non-members feel bad.

And as you may also know, membership is serious commitment:  members remain in the league until a) death, b) incarceration in a federal penal facility with restricted internet access, or c) the tragic and incredibly misguided resignation of a member.  Sadly, we have had to accept the reluctant resignation of our esteemed colleague spaceman, and ask that you send cookies and used books to him in Joliet. 

Therefore,  it is with great pride and panic that the NIAFL Football Division announces a rare and stunning opportunity ….we have an opening.

Today we announce the First and Probably Last NIAFL Essay Contest:  In 500 words or less, tell us why you should be the next member of our esteemed league.

A few guidelines:

1.  You must not be an idiot.

2. Please do not respond to the above by stating, ‘Well, I’m out.’  We know that.  Also please do not respond by stating, ‘Well, then how did 21 or BYH ever get in?’  We can’t tell you.

3.  This is for the Football League ONLY.

4.  No PMs or other private petitions to current members will be accepted, and will be posted on the thread by the recipient for the sheer purpose of making you look like an idiot.

5.  Applicants are welcome and entitled to refute, debate, and libel the other applicants and their essays on this thread. You may consider this part of your audition, as cruelty with class is a time-honored tradition among NIAFL members.

6. Members may comment on your submissions, and may suggest additional requirements.  Buck has already requested that candidates come to his house to clean his bathroom and cut the grass, but only in the backyard. He may also need his truck washed. And Idaho needs a babysitter in September for the weekend so he and his wife can celebrate their anniversary.  ChrisL may be interested in seeing your tits.  You may judge for yourself whether submitting to these requirements violates Rule 1 above.

7. This contest will end this Thursday at midnight est, or sooner if no one responds, or later if we feel like it.  The winner will be announced next week, unless we all get busy in which case you’ll have to wait. 

8. Finally: this is the opportunity of  your SJ lifetime.  As Ovid said, ‘“Let your hook always be cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.”  Or as Thomas Alva Edison said, “Opportunity is missed by most because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

A true NIAFL member casts for the fish….and it is dressed in overalls.

Best of luck to you all.
THE NIAFL FOOTBALL MEMBERSHIP
Big Dog, BitterYoungHack, Boom & 21, Buck, ChrisL, Dooley Womack, Flying Headbutt, Freelance Hack, Hockey Goon, Hokie, & Idaho.

 

I'd comment, but I'm afraid I'd earn the nickname Token if I did so.

 

Okay, just to clarify, ChrisL says he doesn't actually have to see any tits, altho you may be asked to describe them at a later date.

 

He was pretty unimpressed with the description of my boobs, though. He said something about how he'd rather see Lance Bass.

 

So who's going to be the first to submit an essay? Remember, it doesn't have to be long. Just tell us why you are a good fit for the NIAFL.

 

And, FWIW, I already found a babysitter. That requirement is no longer on the board, unless you want to offer ...

 

Not an essay per se, but this is a press release my PR agency sent to my league last year, after a trade I made was scoffed at and I had a good start. I won the league for a second straight year and sent another release upon winning.

So I've got a little football smarts, a little sense of humor and some sarcasm. What else do you need?

Also, I'm not an idiot, despite what my ex-girlfriend says.

Names changed to protect the innocent.



GIGOLOS, INC.



GIGOLOS, PALMER SCOFF IN GENERAL DIRECTION OF KANES, DOUBTERS



DATELINE – In the wake of the surprising start of (xxx's) Gigolos© in the 2005 Fantasy League of the (name withheld), team owner (xxxx) and star quarterback Carson Palmer have gone on the record with their disdain with preseason objections to owner's deal to bring Palmer to (dateline).

Palmer, 25, was traded from the Chefs to the league’s defending champion Gigolos Aug.30 with Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson for Jake Delhomme and Rudi Johnson. Hours after the trade was announced, Kanes co-owner (name withheld) explicated his confusion at the trade.

“I agree ... it's an odd trade,” (Kanes co-owner) said that day. “(Chefs owner) gets a No. 1/2 QB (Delhomme) and a No. 1 RB (Johnson). He gives up a No. 2 QB (Palmer) and a who-knows what rookie RB (Benson) that just ended a long holdout.

“Delhomme and Johnson have both accomplished more than Palmer and Benson,” (Kanes owner) threw in for good measure.

Through two weeks of the 2005 FL season, Palmer has scored 31 points for the Gigolos, and Benson, who played for the first time Sunday, scored a point. The Gigolos have opened the season 2-0, with one of the top per-game averages -- 53.5 points – in the league, with Tiki Barber and Jay Feely still playing Monday night.

Delhomme has scored no points for the Chefs, while Johnson has scored 14 points.

“It’s funny how quickly the tables have turned,” (Gigolos owner) said Monday, gleefully gloating and looking ahead at the schedule to find out when his Gigolos will whip the Kanes. “(Kanes co-owner) and (Kanes co-owner), who ironically made excuses for teams that lost to the Gigolos last year, will rue the day they questioned the fantasy expertise of the Gigolos.

“What’s even funnier is that I wasn’t even at the draft, a point that (Kanes co-owner) seemed to make fun of at (former employer) on the morning of the draft.”

Palmer also seemed to be in good, if not foul-mouthed, spirits Monday.

“I mean, I’m leading the (expletive) league in passing yards. And this dude wants to compare me to Jake (expletive) Delhomme? Who is this joker?” Palmer said.

“I’m Carson (expletive) Palmer, damnit.”

Even Gigolos defacto draft guru (Name) got in on the fun.

“I loved it how those guys made fun of me when I was drafting,” (name) said Monday. “Looks like we’re sitting pretty, and they’re just pretty boys.”

The Gigolos face off against fellow surprising Division contender TonLocs and owner (xxxx) this week in an effort to grab the early advantage in the division.

For good measure, (gigolos owner) and Palmer also laughed at the fact that the Kanes were being led by Willie Parker, who in matter of weeks will be on the Steelers’ third-string again.

“Maybe Marcus Pollard will step up for them then. … You know, the Lions have a pretty good quarterback and all,” (gigolos owner) said, laughing.


##30##

Want it with names? PM e-mail and I'll send both in their entirety.

 

I think the reason why I should be allowed to join NIAFL is because I finished dead last in five consecutive office seasons, and I'm a sure thing to help someone else finish out of the cellar. Pick me and I'll make damn sure you don't finish last.

 

Lady and gentlemen:

As a Tennessee Titans looser fanboy, I currently have no reason to anticipate turning on my television set this fall. At present, my Sunday schedule is wide open, which could lead to picking up such dangerous habits as spending quality time with my wife and child, completing household chores that were ignored in favor of the previous day's SEC schedule, regular attendance at religious services, etc. I feel that your fine organization will remedy this problem in short order.

Best wishes:

dixiehack

 

I don't know. We already have buck and myself to bump everyone else up the standings a place or two

 

This way, you could claim a sixth- or seventh-place finish and hold your head high.